"Hello there"

22nd December, 2009, a day that will live on in infamy. For this was the day, dear reader, when Heather Reid delivered her last weather forecast for BBC Scotland. 


For those of you cruelly marooned abroad, in That Foreign, you should know that Heather The Weather has been a constant, fragrant and national treasure type of thing for some years on BBC Scotland. 
So beloved has HTW become in fact that she featured over the years in a number of gags over at the big Jaggy Thistle, currently to be found, in a siding, at :www.thejaggythistle.co.uk. Just type Heather The Weather into the old engine and features salacious, blasphemous and, in retrospect, possibly libellous  will make themselves known to you.


We should not underestimate the service the dear girl has done the nation. Quite apart from her well-honed skills in handling the odd-isobar, Heather performed a vital function during appearances on Reporting Scotland. 
Again, for those living in Foreign, I perhaps should explain that RS is BBC Scotland's (ahem) "flagship"  news show. In truth, RS is a flagship in the same way that the Titanic was considered seaworthy.
Reporting Scotland is a nightly tea-time feast of fucked-up links, mis-captioned VT and a selection of presenters and correspondents who appear to have  been on work-experience for the last 30 years. 
Its awful. 
I love it.


Heather's presence provided the perfect correcting balance between the nightly rotating of (female) presenters. Therefore, when resident MILF Jackie Bird took the chair, Heather's presence served to cool things down a bit. When uber-munter Sally Magnusson graced us with her dead-eyed, glacial presence, Heather spiced things up a bit. She was the ice to Jackie's fire, the fire to Sally's grey dishwater.
So farewell then, Heather dear. 
In fact, goodbye there.
Inside: Last post this side of Xmas reader dear. Have a good one and we'll meet again on the other side.

From The BBC

NHS boss urges doctors pay cut

A senior NHS official has called on medical professionals to consider a pay cut to help create a fairer society.


Dr Linda de Caestecker, director of public health for NHS Greater Glasgow and Clyde, said fresh ideas were needed to tackle health inequalities.
Her second biennial report highlights the gap in health and life expectancy between the rich and the poor.


She is reported to have said she would be prepared to take a drop in her own salary.


Waiting media representatives at the report's launch then  looked on as the doctor was interrupted mid-speech by other medical colleagues who restrained her before injecting her with some kind of  fast-acting sedative.


One of the attending  medics explained :" Doctor Caestecker has been under tremendous strain recently which has led her into making outrageous, confabulating statements about the need to  reduce the level of senior medical salaries. In consequence for her own and the safety of others wer'e here today to section Doctor Caestecker under the provisions of The Mental Health Act.
 I would just urge reporters here today to remember  that the doctor is very ill and forget what she just said, 'cos she's mental."


It is understood that the doctor will be subject to detention under the terms of The Mental Heath Act until such time as her psychiatrist considers her well and in addition has learned to shut the fuck up.

Oh dear...

You know your political tea is well and truly oot when... 




A presumably officially-sanctioned photo-op makes you look like a Teletubbie.

History versus Shaggin'

That's a vexing quandary that I've been directed  towards this week by force of events. 
Allow me to explain.

Some time ago, I wrote herein a gag about the then planned History of Scotland TV series. The gag centred on, well, here's the link, read it it yourself, here:http://thejaggythistle.blogspot.com/2008/12/history-of-scotland-historians.html

Done? 

Good. 

So as you can see, its not a remotely serious discusson  of the very serious discussions on the professional authority (or otherwise) of Neil Oliver. 

However, thanks to the vagaries of Google, that fact didn't stop The JT, possibly for the first and last time, coming first in the rankings if one Googled "Neil Oliver, Tom Devine" over the last few weeks. In consequence the blog enjoying a healthy increase in visits, albeit very brief visits.

'Til this week that is. 

Following my very hurried blog entry about the identity of the Scottish TV presenter who has allegedly being giving Tiger Woods wood, The JT now features prominently in Google searches with the terms "Tiger Woods, +Scottish TV presenter." 

What's even more intriguing is that on checking Stat Counter for my blog, the number of visits brought on by searching on History has dropped right away, while those (ahem) "stimulated" by Shagging have rocketed.

Proof positive that a dry, academic catfight between historians isn't nearly as interesting as the identity of a shaggee - even, one assumes, among Googling historians.

Clio: muse of history and not a right dirty stop out...

The Jaggy Thistle:

now proudly serving that burgeoning, Viz reader/ lover of post-WW2 US musical theatre, cross-over demographic.

The other Pathetic Sharks

...king hell

I'm grateful to JT reader and good bloke, Thunder Bay Pete, for the following information, via the Daily Telegraph website. Apparently, the list of ladies that Tiger Woods was (ahem) friendly with, now includes "a Scottish television presenter."  


It's not clear if that means, (and apologies here to readers living in Foreign),  we should read that as meaning a lady working for STV, or interpret  the phrase to encompass any lady working in Scottish TV. 


Blimey, I'll tell you what: I'll be watching all those wanton strumpets on Reporting Scotland very closely for any facial tells.


I have obviously instantly drawn up a mental short-list of women who might, you know, have done it, with Tiger Woods, but I'm keeping the membership of that list to my self, filed under the category that reads "She looks like a right dirty stop out."

Again, from The BBC

Darling warns banks over bonuses

Chancellor Alistair Darling has warned banks that the government will "not be held to ransom" over bonuses.
He played down reports he will hit bankers with a windfall tax on bonuses in Wednesday's pre-Budget report.
He later told The JT: " I want to make it quite clear that if the banks don't make substantial changes to the current bonus culture, then I won't hesitate to warn them again."

A senior source in the banking industry said: " We fully understand why the Chancellor has instituted a rigorous regime of warning us periodically about the bonus culture and we fully intend to carry on as usual."

From The BBC

"Fifth of Scots have poor literacy

A commission set up to tackle literacy problems in Scottish schools has found almost one in five Scots has difficulty with reading and writing."

The extent

of the discipline problems facing new Education Minister Mike Russell became apparent yesterday on his first visit to a school...

From The BBC

Scots education secretary demoted. She brands decision "totally, like unfair yeh?"

Under-fire education secretary, Fiona Hyslop, has been demoted in a reshuffle of Scottish government ministers.
Ms Hyslop has come under sustained opposition attack on issues including falling teacher numbers, cutting class sizes and school buildings.
Culture Minister Michael Russell has been promoted to education secretary, while Ms Hyslop will take on his previous position.
First Minister Alex Salmond said education needed a "fresh look".

During the fraught demotion meeting, Ms Hyslop sighed heavily throughout, refused to make eye contact and insisted that on the days SNP education policy had been messed up,  she wasn't even there right, 'cos she was off with a note and everything?

Photogags

Cumnock Council to review tourism strategy

Fran and Anna re-incarnated in time for panto season

God just had loads of red sky paint to use up

Scientists discover new world where OAPs actually do live in the past

Proust...

...had his scent of amandines, but me? I live in the Modern Age, I've got MP3s to remind me of stuff.

The reader of this blog (hi, pal, howya doing?) will recall that I noted here a few weeks ago that our only begotten son was off to Australia.

That passage has now come to, er, pass and I therefore find myself bereft of a useful flunkey to transfer music from CDs to my MP3 player.

This totally unsatisfactory state of affairs has resulted in me having to perform the task myself and me alone. Long story short, I came across a Django Reinhardt album I'd forgotten about. Anyway, I've been listening to the master at work again, affording me a fresh opportunity to become totally depressed about my own plank spanking and, er, where was I? Oh, yes. Memory.

Listening to Django again reminded me of a story from long ago, back before the last Ice Age, when I was settling down on the floor, beer can in hand, at a student party. I was joined by a heavily refreshed guy I sort of vaguely knew and we were soon partaking in the communion that was current in those days, that is, passing round a home-made cigarette containing an interesting and quite challenging blend of selected herbal tobaccos.

The host of the party, very much against the temper of the age, had selected an album of Reinhardt, which I recognised, having been previously introduced to his work by a total nutter who knew more about the guitar than was clinically advisable.

This, remember, dear reader, was at a time when the "music scene" (man) was ruled by popular beat combos called Led Sabbath, Deep Zeppelin and the like, who tended to specialise in 15-minute guitar solos of the genus widdly diddly.

Anyway, my party companion started grooving along and asked me if I knew the identity of the guitar player. I gave him what chapter and verse I'd gleaned on Django including the fact that he didn't have full use of his fretting hand because of an accident, thus leading him over time, to develop his particular percussive arpeggio style.

Or words to that effect.

Imagine the pause as my refreshed party mate takes time to process this intelligence. And then he turns to me and says "It's a tragedy in't it?"

"What is?" I say.

"Well," he replies "can you imagine how good he'd have been if he haudnae been a bit spastic?"

Y-e-e-s.

Here's a link to Django playing a bit spastic. It's just a track, despite being on You Tube. Just shut your eyes and listen:

Oh dear...

I had meant to post the clip below last week but didn't get round to it.

At that point, Rangers were still in Europe and Wattie might have still sweated on the prospect of an immediate UEFA ban, but after Tuesday evening's events at Ibrox, such worries will seem to Wattie like a distant, fond memory.

I'm fully aware that if you, dear reader, don't follow Scottish fitba then the foregoing will make no sense.

Let me just apologise for that and warn you that the next bit is going to be even worse....

Yes, we all know that "Downfall" been mashed up to bits, but there's still something exquisitely funny about a clip that has as its subtext at least two readings of the word "hun."

Ahem, again...

So-called "news" papers have been full this week of the "news" that Jack McConnell has suddenly discovered anew the delights of Wishaw and won't now be departing to Malawi. 


The reasons might have changed, but the story is the same as we reported back in days of yore: http://thejaggythistle.blogspot.com/2008/10/malawians-wil-struggle-through-somehow.html

Departure promised for new sub generation

Admiralty sources confirmed to The JT this week, that HMS "Astute", an attack sub,  to be stationed at Faslane, will be the last conventionally configured class of sub.


"To be honest", a  spokeshornpipe told The JT, "it's becoming increasingly difficult to justify the cost of these hi-tech exercises in post-imperialist dementia to the public." 


Finally bowing to the inevitable conclusion: that it makes no fuckin' sense to waste money on these pointless thantic tributes, the Navy announced plans this week to develop a new type of submarine, the Surreal Class. "The new class of sub will take the whole mad process to its logic conclusion - the creation of a class of weapon that expresses the sheer insanity of its purpose in its design."

It is expected that HMS "Ftaang, ftaang, biscuit barrel" will enter service on the 12th of never. 

Inside: You wouldn't think a cutaway could express class relations would you? You'd be wrong.
Have a look at this BAE cutaway of the Astute, note there are two eating areas, one for the officers and one for the scruff. It's like having two canteens in a dustbin, it makes no sense...

SWS Flood warning! Weekend shopping in Dumfries may be affected!

According to The Herald...

"Scotland will almost certainly suffer a deeper recession than the UK as a whole for the first time since the Second World War, according to a leading economic think tank."
The Herald, Wednesday 18th November, 2009


Any thoughts on that, John? 

John?

Under-fire Burley to be fired, fired upon...

As it looks increasingly likely that Scotland Manager George Burley will get the tin tack this week, we ask, what will happen next?


Dawn's early light: George is offered a blindfold, given the last rites and asked if he has any last requests. Request to learn how to play guitar turned down.


At the rising of the sun: George is marched into the barrack square and positioned in front of firing squad.Firing squad is made up of all the strikers and attacking mid-field players George has worked through in the last 22 months. The squad check the load, aim their rifles at the target  on George's chest and fire on command.


Last post sounds: George removes the blindfold, inspects the evidence of missed shots on the wall behind him and exits the square to negotiate his pay-off from the SFA.


Officer commanding the firing  squad, Colonel Gordon Smith, leaves without talking to the waiting press. 

Question:

what happens when you put two revolutionary socialists together, alone, in the same room? 


Answer: you create the objective conditions for a massive doctrinal split that will retard the development of socialism for 100 years!


To illustrate the truth behind this assertion, consider reader dear this extract from the return at the Springburn count: 
Louise Daid, Socialist Labour Party, 47 votes. Kevin McVey, Scottish Socialist Party, 152. Tommy Sheridan, Solidarity, 794. 


Not a glowing performance one has to admit, but aggregated, that vote would've at least come close to that of the BNP candidate.
 Factor in the Green vote,(332) and again, in aggregate, the  non-Labour left  vote starts to look a bit more respectable.
Or at least not catastrophically bad. 


OK, OK, I know all the arguments around why you can't just carry-over votes between parties, but still. 


Jesus.


Anyway, retailing all of the above provides me with an excuse to stick this link in to, in my not especially humble opinion,the best bit of political satire ever committed to celluloid bar none. 


And no, we're not taking a fucking  vote on it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gb_qHP7VaZE

Ahem...

The Herald, November 12th 2009:

"The climax to the Scottish Government’s controversial year-long celebration of the nation’s culture has been forced to downscale due to a lack of interest.

In what is a major embarrassment for SNP ministers, a programme of headline concerts to end the Year of Homecoming is being moved to smaller venues following poor ticket sales."

The Jaggy Thistle, 26th January, 2009:

"OK, the organisers of Homecoming Scotland are are pains to claim that the Year isn't just about Burns, which is a relief, because if it was, then 2009 would be the shortest year on record.

But, I'm still a bit concerned that the initial emphasis on Burns is a bit unwise in marketing terms. To put it crudely, with Burns Night awa with the cattle and January not yet loused, I fear we're in a post pop-shot situation. We've had the climax, and now we're just going to spend the rest of the year cleaning up."

And yet more from sci-fi corner : from The BBC

"Law change call for space flight" (and the law about employing loonies)

A change in the law is needed before Scotland can be considered as a launch site for commercial space flights, the head of Virgin Galactic has said.
The firm's president Will Whitehorn said locations in Scotland and Sweden were being considered as bases for Virgin's European operations.
But he said UK laws would have to be amended to allow flights to take place....

Lossiemouth in Moray has put itself forward as a possible spaceport, and the Virgin boss has said it has great potential.
But he said: "Britain has no legislation to allow us to fly here - there is no regulatory authority.
"The Outer Space Act, which Britain created in 1986, didn't really envisage a system like this.
"It didn't envisage there would ever be space launches in the UK so there's no regulator, no insurance, no reliability or structure.


"But the British National Space Centre, which is a government quango, and Lord Drayson, the minister responsible for space, and the CAA are all looking closely at this issue."


It is thought that the government is actively looking at further legislation that also might impact on Virgin's operations: a new law likely to ban complete space cadets from running public companies.




Inside: I love that "Virgin Galactic" brand. So much  more catchy than "Virgin Die in a Fireball on Attempted Take-Off".




Artist's impression of rocket, not showing passenger immolation.

Sci fi corner : "and as...

the ultra-violet light did its work, the creature the human world knew as "Ahlech Saahmond" revealed its true form..."

Former heid jannie to review National Trust

George Reid, the distinguished former heid jannie at Holyrood has been appointed to conduct a review of strife-torn heritage body The National Trust For Scotland.

Mr Reid told the JT: "My role in the review will be more strategic than my oversight role within the Scottish Parliament. At Holyrood I was mainly concerned by the number of toilet rolls and the condition of the floor mops. In reviewing the Trust, I'll be much more concerned with the re-siting of the toilet roll cupboard and the possible purchase of a new mop bucket. I say "possible" because I will not be ruling anything in or out at this stage, but if I feel that there is a  need for a new mop bucket at some stage down the road, going forward, then I won't hesitate to let the need for a new mop bucket  feature in my recommendations." 


Mr Reid concluded the interview by saying he was looking forward to his new role, putting away the chairs and getting away for his bus.


It is understood that since retiring as heid jannie Mr Reid has been making use of Holyrood when the parliament is not in session, hiring out the space for heats of the little-known cable-tv show "Strictly Come Ceilidh", with Mr Reid asking members of the audience if they'd like a dance. After making sure that all fire exits are securely locked.




It is understood that this attempt to supplement his pension was required after a titular arrangement to tour an Alexander Brothers tribute act broke down over "irreconcilable" musical differences with his partner:

Elsewhere on planet politics/entertainment this week, Culture Minister Mike Russell announced his plans to star in the hit panto "Snow White and the Eight Dwarves". "It should've only been seven dwarves" Mike explained, "but what with inflation...."

Real archaeologists congratulate spawny get...

Real archaeologists in Scotland this week fixed rigid smiles on, gritted their collective teeth and congratulated ingénue amateur treasure hunter David Booth, who stumbled across a £1m treasure hoard. 

Professor Beaker of Edinburgh's Department of Valuable Antiquities Found by A Lucky Spawny Get told the JT: "In over 30 years of painstaking, methodical fieldwork I've never come across anything worth more than hee-fuckin'-haw, and then this lucky bastard comes along and finds a million quid's worth of old stuff. Remind me again, in what sense is life fair?"

In a bizarre turn of phrase, oor Davie, whose day job is chief game warden at Blair Drummond Safari Park, told the press (this is true) that he only took up treasure-hunting  to get out in the "open-air more".

Er, right.

So, does that mean that all the wild-life at BD just stay inside all the time? 

From The BBC

"Floods cause havoc, fun."

From The Sunday Obvious

Heavy drinkers buy cheaper drink, alcohol study shows

• 

• Cheap drink on sale at an Edinburgh supermarket

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heraldscotland staff

0 comments

Published on 31 Oct 2009

A study of heavy drinkers in Scotland who consume up to 800 units of alcohol a week found they were buying cheaper drink than most other people.

One of the report's authors said it was "likely" the introduction of a minimum price for alcohol - as proposed by the Scottish Government - would reduce the amount of drink consumed by these problem drinkers and would also lead to a fall in alcohol-related illnesses.

The authors told a frankly amazed JT: "Who would have thought that price would've been the main consideration  for people buying 800 units  a week? Astonishing."

The report's authors now intend two other areas of pressing epistemological concern: the extent of form variation of water in crystalline form and the intellectual debate over  the extent of  The Deity's agency in the promulgation of the species Malus domestica. The wee green wans.

On a personal note...

...our dear son, Tarquin, Torcuill, or whatever made-up name we're calling him this week, is soon heading to Upside Down World to live and work for a gap year. Or it might be a decade, I'm not sure. 

Readers who fancy either offering him work or a crash-pad are encouraged to contact me and I'll pass on any offers to said son. 

He is house-trained, a polite, Guardian-reading vegetarian. He is also 6 foot three and built like the proverbial so he would be an ideal choice for any light labouring duties salient in Australia, moving the Outback to the Infront and so forth.

Any help gratefully thanked for.

Oh dear...

It is reported in the Scotsman that Labour's Holyrood leader, Iain Gray, has reorganised his shadow cabinet and has promoted Jackie Baillie to a new role.  For our cheap and tawdry purposes, the relevant part of the feature reads:  "Mr Gray attempted to beef up his front-bench team by promoting Jackie Baillie."

Oh dear...

 

Strictly on the QT of course...

...but guess whose name's in the frame to steal the Best Actor Oscar in 2010? Whisper who dares film fans, but the word on the streets of Tinseltown is that Jim Murphy might just sneak in past those big bad boys, DiCaprio, De Niro and Smilin' Jack to bag a bald man. 

How so? 

Well, apparently Jim Lad is Secretary of someplace called Scotland and this week he had a meeting with some bankers guys who own the paper on a soccer team called The Glasgows Ranger.  Apparently, this club owes like squillions to the bank and the bank is looking to call time. 

Anyhoo, Jim meets with the bank and pleads for the future of these soccer club guys saying : "Please, don't pull the plug on The Glasgows Ranger, Scottish soccer needs this club."

Cue quiet tears shed all round. 

So why the Oscar buzz around Jimbo? Well, it turns out Jim's a big fan of another Glasgow club, The Celtics, who are like the biggest rivals of the Glasgows Ranger and the word is Jim would just love to see the "Hunny Bears" as they are called, go belly up! 
But, Jim, acting his ass off as a politician, managed to keep his face straight while pleading for the future of his least favourite team!  Plaudits all round as apparently Jim didn't slip out of character once. Well, truth be told, he did let he mask slip once as shown below, but what the hey eh? 

We luv yah kid, you're a winner!

"Act normal. Don't laugh, don't laugh.."

Arf! Eeeh, I love Kyola me...

From The BBC: "Excuse me man, I have reason to believe that you can turn me on." *

Jail for drug-dealing policeman
A police officer who admitted dealing cocaine while on secondment to his force's drugs unit has been jailed for 26 months.

Christopher McGinn was caught with the drug in a pub car park by Lothian and Borders Police colleagues last October. He was suspended from duty before resigning from the force.

The 29-year-old was told by Sheriff Roderick MacLeod at Edinburgh Sheriff Court that only a custodial sentence was appropriate.

Mr McGinn told The JT: "I now realise that when my superiors in the force described the secondment as valuable work experience we were not thinking along the same lines.They obviously had a more interdicting role in mind for me, as opposed to marketing."


Inside: * And that line is from?

"It's not all doom and gloom"

...although you'd never know from this interview with the New Head Of One Of The Myriad Offices Of Bureaucracy That Characterize This Great Game Of Ours. 

What I want to know is this: have Jonathan Watson and Ralph Topping every been seen in the same room together?

I mean, "Ralph Topping"? Even the name sounds made up. And respect to the interviewer here for managing to keep the yawn out of his voice...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/scot_prem/8316843.stm

No, honestly, I'm

...fine.I've just got something in my eye.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNEgKGEDfOk

From The Sunday Herald...

Senior Tories bid to block party’s only Scottish MP from top job

• By Tom Gordon and Paul Hutcheon

0 comments

Published on 18 Oct 2009

Senior Conservatives want David Cameron to drop his key Scottish lieutenant from a future Tory cabinet because they fear he would be no match for Alex Salmond.

The Tory leader is being urged to avoid making David Mundell the next Scottish Secretary, the Sunday Herald understands.

Salmond: "My friend, (actually more of a slight acquaintance really), Mahatma MacAskill"

Alex Salmond made it clear last night that  in comparing Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill to the very dead secular saint, Mahatma Gandhi, he was merely drawing attention to his colleague's sense of self-sacrifice. Mr Salmond said he was proud to count Mr MacAskill among that intimate circle of people he sort of knew, vaguely.

The  First Minister told The JT: "Like the  Indian leader, Kenny demonstrated great compassion in releasing the Lockerbie Bomber to die at home. If Megrahi doesn't hurry up and peg it, I fully expect Kenny to do the decent thing and die instead. I mean, fair's fair."

Addressing  criticism of the  Gandhi/Kenny comparison Mr Salmond said: "I don't see what the problem is, I mean it's not as if I'm comparing Kenny to Jesus Christ is it?"

That particular comparison is, we understand, being reserved for Mr Salmond himself who fully intends to be crucified and then resurrected as Saviour Of All The World. Mr Salmond confirmed to the SNP conference that he had yet to be crucified, pointing out the absence of manual stigmata:

Yes, we have no stigmata, we have no stigmata today!"

Not Kenny, definitely not Kenny...

Y-e-es...

THE EMANCIPATION OF THE WORKING CLASS THROUGH SOCIALISM: WHO NEEDS IT?

I MEAN, LET'S FACE IT, WITH THE INSTALLATION OF LORD MARTIN OF SPRINGBURN, IT'S JOB DONE IN'T IT?

Japan 2 -Scotland 0

Not especially under-pressure Scotland manager George Burley told The JT via a crackly phone-line from Tokyo that the meaningless friendly lost to Japan had been "useful". 


George, whose job is safe, because no one even cares anymore, said : "What with the high-profile call-offs from players who didn't fancy flying to the other side of the world for no reason in the middle of the season, it gave us a chance to hand caps to players you've never heard of before and are unikely to be ever heard of again, come to that.."


A squad player did agree with George that the trip was a useful learning experience. "I've learned that death is nothing to really worry about and may be infinitely preferable to enduring 12 hours on a plane pretending to listen to George's inexhaustible fund of 'when I played for Ipswich Town' stories." 


Crew on the Japanese Airlines flight confirmed that several players had requested  an extra cushion, blanket, eye-shades and  a seppuku kit to end it all, but cabin crew refused saying: "If we have to live through this, so do you." 


At Narita, engineers were called to the plane to investigate a strange droning noise emitting from the aircraft despite the engines being powered down...(please feel free to fill in the rest).

Inside: High profile call-offs likely as George announces next friendly opponents: The Tharggian Ladies' Knitting and Athletics Club, away, on The Planet Thargg.