Sunday, 27 November 2011

I'm inordinately

grateful to The Guardian's Saturday Guide for a feature on the wonders of the Teutonic retailer Aldi.
Apparently the said retailer sells something called Disco Biscuits. And yes, you'd be right in thinking that elsewhere, the term Disco Biscuits, has a meaning not a million miles away from describing  certain  illicit (ahem) "substances" marketed to the young people given to going clubbing. 
Ebenezeer Goode indeed...

"Awright man? Waanting any disco biscuits for the night?"

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Student Tory agrees burning Obama effigy "sent out wrong signal"

As a shit storm gathers force around the St.Andrews University Conservative Association over the burning of an effigy of President Obama at a club bonfire, the president of the club moved swiftly to apologise.
 Pausing only for a minute to adjust his cravat, club chairman The Right Honourable Guy Gap Yahr told The JT:" We'd like to apologise unreservedly for the burning in effigy of a famous African American statesman, we now recognise that this sent out the wrong signal.On reflection, the correct course of action would have been to lynch the effigy which was what our American cousins did to uppity coons back in the good old days. Thank you".

Monday, 21 November 2011

And as

the Largs based Euro winner lottery winners announce plan to donate £1m to the SNP, there's good news too for a local business as the couple settle a long standing debt...

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Ooh er missus...

"Entryism? Ooh, the sauce!"
Absolutely all kudos goes to The Scotsperson hack reporting that Tommy Sheridan's press officer is defecting to the SNP. 
Specifically, the paragraph that reads : "Former Labour MEP Mr Kerr told The Scotsman he had held talks with Sheridan during a prison visit to his former boss, whom he insisted was “very sympathetic” to his decision to join the SNP.He also said that there “could well be” other members of Solidarity planning to defect to the SNP, a move which could see left wingers entering Mr Salmond’s party in a similar tactic used in the 1980s and 1990s to influence Labour by far left groups such as the Militant Tendency."

The temptation to note that Tommy is an acknowledged expert  on, and practitioner of, differing  (ahem) "variants" of  entryism must've been nearly overwhelming... 
Well done for exercising such restraint.

Saturday, 12 November 2011

If you squint

really, really hard,, you can just about make this tit look like a cheek and nose. 
Well done The NHS in Scotland, what need have you for checking a layout before sending everything off to the printers?

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Davidson to offer Fraser "big job", Fraser to consider options, not excluding suicide.

Walking holiday-enjoyer and new Tory leader in Scotland Ruth Davidson is to offer defeated rival Murdo Fraser a "big job" in her new team. She told The JT, "You can see from the diagram I've supplied, that I'll be asking Murdo to form a vital, important integral part of the Tory campaign to continue being a complete irrelevance in Scottish politics. 

At the time of writing Mr Fraser was said to be considering his options up to and including sticking  a Glock 9 in his mouth and just being done with it all.

Elsewhere, Ms Davidson revealed her new weapon in the coming political battles. As seen below, if required she can deploy her "Oxter of Radiance", an intense beam of light emanating from her armpit, that will destroy her enemies utterly and allow her to reign unchallenged as Queen Of The Underworld (North British Branch) for countless  millennia or until such time as she gets dumped by the activists.

Monday, 7 November 2011

A somewhat analogous process has also been known to occur

in other, more intimate, interpersonal contexts. 
Although, of course, I wouldn't know anything about that... Oh no.

Inside: And this just in, ( if you'll pardon the expression) , the company responsible has offered to put on another display free later in the month. Presumably along the lines of, " Listen, I'm really sorry about that, just give me a minute and I'll be ready to give it another go..."

Friday, 4 November 2011

Davidson victory, " A triumph for happiness"

Long term Tory activist  Flora McMargarine, (pictured left), expressed delight to The JT on the news that Ruth Davidson had been elected as leader of the party in Scotland. 
"I thought the other candidates didn't stress often enough how important it was to have an optimistic, happy outlook in life, unlike Ruth who cheerfully admitted to being gay all the time. That's the spirit!"
Flora expressed her heartfelt wish that Ruth meets Mr Right soon because she doesn't  want any nasty rumours to start, like the rumours surrounding (rest of sentence removed on legal advice)...

Just in case Mr Right doesn't know how to find Ruth...

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Ladies,avert your gaze now

for fear you might faint clean away.... 
Apart from producing the best scatological satire on the planet, Viz, I've just discovered, are on that thing the young people call Facebook. And unlike 99.99% of FB accounts this one is actually worth looking at. Not least the couple of pages featuring pictures sent in by readers. And as an added bonus, some of the comments appended are really funny too.
An example below, and below the example, a helpful link to all the merriment. Enjoy. 
Ladies should look away now.