Swinney: "Listen to the people, Diageo!" Diageo: "Sorry, what?"

John Swinney, in a doubtless well meant cri de couer, called on dizzyade giant Diageo to "listen to the people" and reverse the decision to close Scottish factories.

A spokesoptic for Diageo told The JT: " What the finance secretary doesn't seem to realise is that company management have been listening to the people- the fund managers who own the shares, they're people too."

It is unlikely that patriotic appeals to the company will be successful: "Wrapping yourself up in the saltire and blubbing about prospective job losses? The whisky industry's been brilliant at that for years. First sign of a tax-rise or alcohol control and the industry transforms itself into the fucking cast of Braveheart."

As John Swinney struggles to find a heart to pull the strings of, Scottish Enterprise has sprung into action- hiring consultants to come up with an alternative plan to save jobs.

A SE source told The JT:"In return for quite trifling sums of 1000s of your Earth pounds, the consultants will provide SE with a comprehensive business case to present to Diageo. At SE we call an externally produced business plan an alibi."

Inside: I see that Brain of Britain, local MP Des Browne, has argued that "provenance" is a key benefit in marketing Johnnie Walker. Des, Diageo's Kilmarnock factory's a bottling plant not a vineyard...

"You make take our freedom but not our favourable treatment on Corporation Tax!"

For God's sake, keep him away from writing implements!

The BBC this week suspended weegie Sikh, Hardeep Singh Kohli, for "inappropriate" behaviour towards a researcher on the network's ratings hit The One Show.

Mr Kohli, a Glaswegian property (ahem) "developer" is being urged to use his six month imposed sabbatical from the BBC to "reflect on his behaviour".

Speaking for the comedy-liking community, the editor of The JT told himself: " I hope and pray that Mr Kohli uses the time wisely and under no circumstances should he use this career hiatus to work up script ideas."

Readers with a long memory will shudder to recall the last time Mr Kohli put pen to paper, a process resulting in the pile of shite that was "Meet The Magoons".A terminally unfunny sitcom that scraped by with one series on C4. It is understood that the series was commissioned by Kohli's pal and professional Perthie, Stuart Cosgrove. For some reason, despite this crime against humanity, Mr Cosgrove still works for C4, which just goes to show there is no God.

Having ticked the racism box by previously binning Carol "Golliwog" Thatcher, the BBC have now ticked the (ahem) "inappropriate" behaviour box by binning Kohli. It is not clear if the corporation will now go for the treble by banning Gyles Brandreth, thus ticking the "irritating twat" box.

NB: The BBC's One Show, should not to be confused with STV's similar magazine style programme The Wan Show, this latter title refers of course to the average size of the viewing public for STV's teatime flagship.

NB again:The term "flagship" in this instance is of course being used in an ironic sense.

Inside: If you can bear it, MTM was reviewed back in 2004 in The big JT.

Search under "Meet The Magoons"or "a great big steaming pile of shite." www.thejaggythistle.co.uk

An astonishing tribute to man's ingenuity/inhumanity

Who would've thought that it would be possible to fashion something that sounds as completely non-melodious as this below.

I particularly like the reference to the bog paper being "medicated."

I don't think that's the only thing needing medicated Bobbie boy.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/8141951.stm

"Bring out your possibly infected... and stick them on the train!"

Train for virus cruise passengers

A 700-seater train has been chartered to take hundreds of passengers from a cruise ship at the centre of a vomiting bug outbreak.

The Marco Polo has been berthed in the Cromarty Firth since Monday.

Train Chartering said it had arranged for the transport to take passengers from Inverness on Thursday to York, Peterborough and London.

Health authorities are advising other passengers at the stations on the route to hold their breath and pray...

The final nail in civilisation's coffin?

Budgie burglar bags 14 in Brechin

A total of 14 high value budgies have been stolen from a house in Brechin.

Tayside Police said some of the birds were worth a lot of money and they appealed for witnesses to the crime.

The theft occurred at an address in Montrose Street between 2100 BST on Friday 3 July and 0730 BST on Saturday 4 July.

Detectives believe that the thief has experience of keeping budgies and knew which of the birds was most valuable when stealing them.

A spokesyokel told The JT: "Just last week someone stole a box of bridies from outside the bakery. Where will it all end?"

Oh bollocks...

"Men who drink four pints of beer a week could be increasing the risk of needing hospital treatment during their lifetime, a study has suggested. Researchers studied 5,772 Scottish men for up to 35 years.” BBC News, 2nd July, 2008

But what does the notional Scot in the figurative street think? We pretended to find out.

"Four pints a week? That can't be right. They probably mean four pints an hour."

"Beer's the problem is it? I'll stick to super lager then."

"Thank God I'm too pissed to take this all in."

"Naw, it’s forty pints a week, mate. It’s got to be forty."

And finally, we spoke to Finance Secretary John Swinney, desperately trying to keep the alcohol processing unit in Kilmarnock open...

"900 jobs at Diageo to go. Long-term consequences of alcohol use and its impact on public spending. Oh fuck, the contradictions are doing my head in. Have you got a drink on you?"

"As you were" - top general type orders Scotland

Craggy-couponed ex-army chief Michael Jackson told the BBC's Panorama programme this week, (and I swear I'm not making this up), that: "Scotland will be safer in an uncertain world as part of The UK."

He later told The JT: "As part of the US-led coalition, The UK has been engaged for many years in making sure the world is a very certain place, we're now ensuring that similar levels of certitude pertain in Afghanistan and very soon we'll be completing our programme of certainty in Pakistan - making these countries certainly the most dangerous places in the world to live."

Despite a rolling programme of certaintisation, General Jackson predicted that it would take several decades before the world was fully certaintised: "We're encountering some unexpectedly stiff resistance from Johnny Afghan in our campaign to win hearts and minds. Apparently physically separating human beings from their hearts and minds by blowing them to bits isn't proving popular."

General Jackson reacted with characteristic soldierly stoicism to the news this week that his namesake, the other Michael Jackson, had died. "As a celebrity Michael Jackson Name-The-Same, I'd been getting a lot of work turning up at monged-up night clubs at 2am and shouting Lights Ite! I imagine much of that work will now dry up."

It is thought General Jackson will still enjoy a lucrative income guest starring in TV and film productions as "Third Auld Jaikie on the left."

General Jackson concluded by insisting that Billie Jean is not, in point of fact, his lover either.

She's just, not to put too fine a point on it, a girl, who says that he is the one, but the kid is most categorically not his son...