Wednesday, 25 April 2012

And in evidence

to the Leveson Enquiry. Mr Rupert Murdoch stated that he found Mr Alex Salmond "an amusing guy."

Monday, 23 April 2012

Danny Alexander, the talking ginge

Treasury  minister and professional ginge Danny Alexander told Whitehall mandarins this week that they must find further savings in their departmental budgets.
 He later told The JT:" In getting tough with the Civil Service I'm drawing on my  past vast experience of actually managing complex, massive budgets- as press officer for the Cairngorm National Park."

As the editor of the JT looked out of the window and thought about something else, Danny insisted:" At the Park Authority I was responsible for communicating the Park's PR message in a 24-hour a week operation. It was a fast moving constantly changing environment what with rain turning to sleet in the morning and sleet turning back to rain in the afternoon."

While critics might question Danny's skill-base in  terms of fiscal management, the carrot topped one, endowed with massive dollops self-belief, insisted that his time working as a PR  flak for a tiny little operation in the middle of fuckwhere provided him with a unique mandate in issuing ministerial fiats to the Civil Service.

 He tiresomely  insisted in telling The JT: " I had to make some hard budgeting decisions at the Park Authority and I wasn't afraid to make the hard decisions. I well remember telling Morag, who ran the office, that we'd have to switch from full fat to semi-skimmed because it was cheaper. At the time she feigned indifference, as if my hard business approach didn't bother her. But I could tell, she knew she was dealing  with a man who wouldn't take "yeh, whatever" for an answer. Although I did."
It is thought that Danny can't believe his luck, in, through an accident of history, being placed in a position of authority where people have got to pretend that what he says has any meaning or significance.

Danny, earlier today, gauging the size of his own dickocity.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

From The BBC, (in the 17th century)

"A patient was unconscious and under general anaesthetic during the latest power failure at Edinburgh Royal Infirmary", it has been confirmed.
Staff hand-ventilated and monitored the patient's pulse while surgeons completed the procedure by torchlight, over a period of 11 minutes..."
A spokesperson for the PFI-paid company responsible for the power cut told The JT:
"Having the patient operated on by torchlight was all planned as part of our policy of affording the patient an authentic olde worlde medical experience leading possibly to an out-of-body-and-in-the-morgue experience. Next week, we move to stage two: the application of leeches by candlelight."
"Before I start, has any one got a shilling for the meter in case the 'leccy goes aff?"

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Popular beat combo, I'm led to believe

I know this shouldn't work on any level, but it just fuckin' does. Check out the lead guitar player half-channelling Townshend's "windmill".He's thinking  "Will I go for it? Mibbies naw."

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

"I don't... but if I did."

The page on the left is from a primary school website  in Aberdeenshire that last year made Darren Mackie, ex-Aberdeen FC striker, a reading champion. 
To like, "champion reading", ae? Ken?
As a closer look at the text reveals there is a tiny little flaw in the selection of Darren. (Apologies if the fitba' readers of The JT have seen this before, I've only just seen it.)

"(I) don't read books, but I read a lot of magazines about cars, health and general interest....If I did read books, it would be autobiographies because I enjoy finding out what happens in other people's lives...My favourite book is Lord of The Rings although I haven't read the book, I have watched the films.The book must be good because the films are so good..."

Inside: " I haven't actually shagged Angelina Jolie, but if I did, I'd probably really enjoy it. Ae, Ken?"

Saturday, 7 April 2012

Gladly, the crossed-eyed bear...(From The BBC)

Brand Development Focus Group, not yesterday
Britain's most senior Roman Catholic Church cleric has called for Christians to wear a cross every day.
In his Easter Sunday sermon, Cardinal Keith O'Brien will tell worshippers to "wear proudly a symbol of the cross of Christ" each day of their lives. 

He will tell his congregation:"Seriously people, we need the fuckin' numbers."

Referring to a blessed PapalPowerPoint presentation, the Cardinal will argue that the Catholic brand is in danger of losing some of its lustre." I've researched some focus group data produced by researchers working for The Spanish Inquisition and they found, that when put to torture,100% of respondents thought Catholicism was the absolute dog's bollocks."

Moving on to The Reformation period, the costumed -cleric will concede:
" OK, we took a market share kicking in some of the key European markets, Germany and Holland, but look at Scotland. After that beardy-fuck Knox was out of the way, our brand managers worked night and day to restablish our market position.They knew what was stake, which was why we burned so many doubters at the stake. In religion its my way or the horrible death way. Am I right? Damn straight!"

The Cardinal will call upon the faithful to aggressively market the Catholic brand arguing:"At a time when we're battling for market-share among other brands of God Bothering Bollocks, its vitally important that Catholicism survives. I mean, for Christ's sake, I gave up shagging for this gig."

It is thought that secularists might have organised to start wearing tick symbols on a daily basis but decided not to bother because the God Squad would be too thick to get the gag.

No originally Judaic Thantic Cults for me, thanks!

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Department of "What's German for schadenfreude?"

Readers of The JT cruelly exiled in Foreign, or not especially interested in Our National Game, may have not noticed that one half of the Old Firm, Rangers, is heading dustbin-of-history-wards unless a buy-out deal can be sorted out.

It has been a real pleasure over the last few weeks and months, to see somewhat Celtic-minded personalities being interviewed about Rangers on the telly. Their collective ability to keep a straight face is a thing of beauty to behold. Well done all.
 However, elsewhere, joy at Castle Grayskull's time of trial is somewhat less unconfined. (thanks to Joe for the heids up).