Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Johann Lamont- not of this planet

In a touching attempt to appear more human, Labour Leader Johann Lamont is pictured below attempting what human beings would describe as a "smile".
 "Its really difficult" Ms Lamont told The JT using her Universal Talking Bollocks Translator. "On my home planet, Torn Sconeous, we communicate displeasure by frowning, we don't have a facial expression for feelings of happiness or friendliness. In that respect we Torn Sconeians feel right at home in Airdrie."

Ms Lamont, attempts to "smile" warmly supported by colleagues all thinking: "I should have your job, you fuckin' bitch".

Monday, 28 April 2014

How things work...

So the hack doing The BBC Scotland website story on long waits for chronic pain treatment looks through the picture library and thinks "waiting for treatment is a pain in the neck especially if you've got a pain in the neck." 
And that's how things work.

Sunday, 27 April 2014

From The Sunday Hardup: is this something that women should worry their pretty little heads over?

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Women ministers in SNP Cabinet control less than 12% of Scotland's budget

WOMEN oversee less than 12% of the ­Scottish budget despite making up 40% of the Cabinet, analysis by the Scottish Parliament has found.

Official figures show Alex Salmond has put women in charge of the three smallest spending portfolios in his government, while giving the three largest to men.
On average, male Cabinet secretaries have six times the budget of their female colleagues.
 A spokesoopswe'resobusted for the Scottish government told The JT:
" These figures at face value seem to reflect a gender bias against women in the day to day running of government, but can I reassure women that this bias is corrected daily by putting women ministers in charge of making tea for the men and such like." 
It is understood that the government is to act swiftly in the face of these figures to give women ministers more responsibility, Fiona Hyslop will now take over the portfolio for making the flowers all nice while Nicola Sturgeon will sort out buttons for sewing, arranging them by size in a a box with little compartments in that Alex Neil found while cleaning out his shed.

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

From The BBC, ken, ae?

110-year-old police mugshots 

of Dundee drunks for sale

Alice Rooney drunk formAuctioneers hope the folio of pictures could raise hundreds of pounds

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A collection of mugshots dating back to 1905, which warned publicans of drunken Dundonians, is to go under the hammer.
The folio of forms was issued to local landlords warning them not to serve the pictured people, who had been convicted of being drunk and incapable.
Ms Rooney, shown above, barred from local pubs for 110 years, was finally allowed back in last week. Ms Rooney,aged 164, assured the landlord of her future good behaviour before necking 12 Breezers and fighting with the pub budgie...

Sunday, 20 April 2014

One for the ladies, God bless them...


Scottish cabinet event

Angela Constance and Shona Robison"Gosh, Alex is so dreamy isn't he?" "Mmm, yes, I'd do him in a fuckin' heartbeat..."

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The Scottish government has announced a women-only Scottish cabinet event to debate issues related to the independence referendum.
 Having just seen two women conveniently elected to the SNP Cabinet, a spokespatroniser told The JT:" Its important to have a women only event so the girls can have a good old chin wag without having to worry about whose going to get the tea ready for the men..."

Friday, 18 April 2014

What better way to commemorate the agonies of Our Lord at Calvary?

There's nothing like a nice bunch of spring flowers. Being held by a snowman. After a blizzard blew into Thunder Bay. Just in time for Easter.Thank you Lord.
 (Thanks to TB Pete)

Monday, 14 April 2014

Sunday, 13 April 2014

So that's all good then:from today's StillSkint On Sunday

"RESIDENTS near the Red Road flats in Glasgow could be given financial compensation to persuade them to temporarily leave their homes during the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony demolition.

Glasgow Housing Association (GHA) officials admitted yesterday they will have to find “solutions” for each resident surrounding the tower blocks after some insisted they would refuse to move out while the neighbouring buildings are blown up.An exclusive party, with free food and drink, as well as a big screen view of the main event at Celtic Park will be offered to the 887 households who have been told to leave their homes during the opening night Games celebrations on 23 July."

And after the bread, the organisers plan to implement the circuses option...

Inside: The above sadly cancelled due to demolition cancellation. But at least now the art and culture mafia can now safely not give a fuck anew about people who are feckless enough to live anywhere near the RRF...

Friday, 11 April 2014

Just in time for conference!

Alex and Nicola are literally joined at the hip! 
Nicola told The JT:"I'm so glad that we will also share common genitalia giving Alex the chance to live life as a woman." 
Mr Salmond said "Sorry,say what now?"

Sunday, 6 April 2014

Now please go away...

With church leaders calling for the role of religion to be recognised in any new Scottish constitution, The JT is proud to take the lead in recognising religion....

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Welcome to The Commonwealth Games- The Friendly Games!

That's the problem with giving people access to very expensive hardware designed for  a Cold War that's history now: people start looking around for other applications... 
(From The Skintman)