Wednesday, 24 July 2013

New Cardinal- we ask:" Does he know what's in his flowerbeds?"

The Catholic Church in Scotland announced today the appointment of Rome-based bish, Leo Cushley, to replace gay sex liker Cardinal Keith O'Brien.
 A spokescollar for  The Church commented:" Fingers crossed eh? Here we go."

It is thought that if Monsignor Cusley flounces off the Rome flight into Glasgow declaring that being back in Scotland is "just fabulous" then it'll will be back to the drawing board as our Church source confirms: 
"Its a vital part of the job of a senior, attractively costumed, cleric to make public pronouncements on other people's sexuality, preferably condemning people who don't have sex in the approved way- that is, shagging for Jesus.
If this one turns out to be a cassock-lifter as well, we might have to rethink the public lectures on morality model. Which would be a shame, because part of the fun of being religious is being able to think and talk about sex all the time without getting called on it."

Mgr Leo Cushley
What do we think then? Mmm, difficult to call really. Let's see how he
carries off wearing the red dress...

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

The Onion:why all must kneel before its brillianticity...

Royal Baby Eats First Meal

NEWS IN BRIEF • News • Royal Baby • ISSUE 49•30 • Jul 22, 2013

Royal Baby Has Father’s Eyes

NEWS IN BRIEF • News • Royal Baby • ISSUE 49•30 • Jul 22, 2013

Royal Baby Already Crawling

NEWS IN BRIEF • News • Royal Baby • ISSUE 49•30 • Jul 22, 2013

Saturday, 20 July 2013

Quiet news day-From The Skintsman

SCOTLAND’S education secretary has slammed internet giants Google for failing to restore Jura to its maps more than two weeks after they lost it.
• Mike Russell criticises Google after they fail to reinstate Jura to its map
• Education secretary says he had already complained to search engine giant about mis-spellings of place names
Mike Russell said he was “disappointed” that Google did not seem to regard rescuing Jura from the waves as a priority. A spokessearch from Google responded promptly saying:"Who the fuck is Mike Russell?"
Inside: The paper's headline, "Mike Russell hits out at Google over  Jura map snub", recalls Claud Cockburn's spoof mind-numbingly tedious "Small Earthquake in Chile- not many dead." But Cockburn was being boring deliberately... 

Thursday, 18 July 2013

Truly, a prince among men

This is Royal and Ancient Chief Executive Peter Dawson pictured at a press conference yesterday. 

Among the items covered was the issue of Muirfield and the like excluding women from membership. One attending hack, reasonably asked, if discrimination against women wasn't just the same as other forms of exclusion, specifically discrimination based on apartheid. This is Dawson's response, lifted verbatim from the TV segment:
"Oh goodness me.I think that's a ridiculous question if I may say so.There's a massive difference between racial discrimination, antisemitism and all of those things,where sectors of society are  downtrodden and treated definitely very, very badly indeed and to compare that with a men's golfclub is I think, frankly absurd there is just no comparison whatsoever."

So there we have it , that's all cleared up then. Clubs like Muirfield will welcome, as members, black, jewish and those  of the- all- those -things- community as long as they're not women.

Inside: The interview is about seven and a half minutes in to RS last night. Its on iplayer:

Monday, 15 July 2013

Blind dogs for The Guides

First dementia dogs start work with owners

Related Stories

The first ever "dementia dogs" have been working with their new owners.
The dogs have been trained to help people with early-stage dementia and can remind them to take their medicine and help them get out and about.
The project is in effect a relaunch as the project director told The JT:
" The first trial of the project used demented dogs which didn't really work as a thing." 
Inside: May God forgive me, but this is still one of the funniest features every written:

Friday, 12 July 2013

Look everyone! Mumford And Sons are playing T In The Park!

A continuing inspiration to Trustafari everywhere.

Inside. With apologies to Charlie Brooker for just stealing his gag.

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

There's two of them...

With BBC Scotland's leaking flagship Reporting Scotland going into talking heads overdrive on the Andy Murray story,  its just so important to make sure the viewer knows whose who.
For example, there's:

And then there's:

So that's all nice and clear then...

Inside:"There's two of them" reference. Anyone recognise the provenance?

Thursday, 4 July 2013

Next week: Scooby on scooby snacks.

In an unusual move, Velma, out of Scooby Doo, addressed the Scottish Parliament this week.
 Ms Velma recalled for MSPs  the varied adventures experienced by herself and fellow investigators of the para-normal.
In particular, she remembered the numerous occasions when "the gang" investigated  seemingly spectral phenomena occurring at a local showground, only to discover that the ghostly going-ons were being staged to force the showground into bankruptcy, thus allowing a crooked property developer to grab the land for a knock-down price. 
Velma remarked that the exposed culprit, prior  to being taken away by police, would invariably provide a detailed exposition of his plan and conclude that "And I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those darn kids!"
Velma concluded her session by taking questions from MSPs and denied that her nickname was Gnasher.

Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Anger/Danger, Anger/Danger (Nearly from The BBC)


Andy Murray beats Mikhail Youzhny at Wimbledon 2013,increases bodymass ten-fold, turns green and rampages through Centre Court crowd going "Rawrrr!"