Sunday, 31 January 2010

Federer: "It's just starting to sink in", he sobs.

After cruising to an easy win over Andy Murray at the Australian Open, Roger Federer later wept openly as he confessed that the victory hadn't really changed anything for the better:

Thursday, 28 January 2010

I'm sure that you

like me, are sick of the dirty underhand tactics already being used in the run-up to the General Election.

Only yesterday I came across an example of this trend, a photograph of a grafittied election poster in The Guardian. So sure dear reader that you, like me, would be totally disgusted, I immediately searched online for an electronic copy of the photograph. Alas, to no avail.

In the interests of keepng my readers fully informed therefore, I was forced to use my completely legal copy of Photoshop to produce the mock-up as shown above.

It's disgraceful isn't it?

I mean, it's come to a pretty sad state of affairs when a perfectly reasonable request that persons unnamed should return to a given geographical location is hijacked by vandals who've insisted on daubing a crude rendering of Lord Snooty over the top.

But at least the currency of this outrage will be limited. Unfortunately, some images persist in the media, like the one below. Truly disturbing. We can only hope that the creatures featured here are never in a position, say in politics for example, where they could hurt other people.

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

From The BBC

'One in four' admits taking drugs
A quarter of adults have admitted taking illegal drugs at some point in their lives, a report released by the Scottish government has suggested.
Fifty per cent of the respondents in the survey thought they might have taken drugs at some point in their lives but, to be honest, everything's a bit hazy before The Smiths first album.
Sorry, what was the question again?

Appalling impact on optic nerve observed after ingestion of a "Camberwell Carrot".

Friday, 22 January 2010

Balmoral bust-up!

Given the fuss over plans to identify two public footpaths on Brenda's Balmoral estate, it's probably just as well that Roseanna Cunningham's, unvoiced-in-public-at-least, preferred option got dumped.... 

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Gene pool repairs required....

Our collective thanks, dear reader, are due to my Significant Other who kindly forwarded this year's Darwin Award  (ahem) "winners". 

Might I suggest that Scottish readers with direct experience of the sophisticated, charming and polyglot urban centres that so characterise industrial Lanarkshire simply mentally replace the place-names below with their appropriate Lanarkshire equivalent? 
Anyone who thinks that risky, pathological behaviour is somewhat outside the norm obviously hasn't enjoyed the unusual carnivalesque  ambience that envelops Coatbridge of a late Friday evening.

Or indeed, on any other night of the week come to that.

“Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer.... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.”

Inside: A relative of mine had occasion once, many years ago, to venture into a newsagents sited in the charming, urban hamlet that is Newarthill, located some three miles north of the sprawling megalopolis that is Motherwell.
Anyway, conversation ensued and it emerged that the newsagent, a local man, had spent time working in The Bahamas, before electing after many years to return to his native Newarthill. 
The said relative, mentally comparing the delights of The Bahamas with those apparently on offer in Newarthill asked the newsagent why he'd returned to said hamlet. 
To which he replied : "Son, ah've been aw oor the wurld, an' there's nae where like Newarthill."
Which certainly remains true, but possibly not quite in the way understood by the newsagent...

Monday, 18 January 2010

From The Herald

Deep divisions over different forms of worship within the Catholic Church in Scotland can be revealed today by The Herald.
A leading Scots Catholic claims an erosion of the “beautiful tradition” of the church and the trend for “touchy-feely” worship has put it at odds with the Vatican. It is thought that the divisions arise from a fundamental theological question: whether its better to use Latin or English as the vehicle for expressing ideas which are a load of bollocks.

and from The Scotsman...

... despite achieving the prestigious Green Flag eco award, Craigroyston Primary cannot show off its success to the world – because it cannot afford to pay for a flagpole. The Muirhouse Place West school has been quoted more than £2100 to have a flagpole installed to display the Green Flag awarded by Eco Schools Scotland.
A spokeschalk for the school said : "We're not going to give up on this idea. We've got a lot of good ideas kicking around to solve this problem. In a meeting we'll be running these ideas up the flagpole and..oh, hang on, I've just thought that one through, just forget I said anything..."

Friday, 15 January 2010

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

I'm a great fan

of musicals as you know. And I was especially pleased to dig up this old poster that manages to encapsulate in one short phrase all you really need to know about the genre....

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Let's face it...'s easily done. 
You work for BBC Scotland's online news service. Your editor wants a photograph to illustrate a feature on the dangers of alcohol, you dig something suitable out of the Getty Archive, you load it with the feature. 
You don't notice until later, or until one of your colleagues reads The JT, that the bloke featured seems to have  passed out after over-indulging on what looks like a glass of water... 
These things happen, it's easily done.

Monday, 11 January 2010

"It was God's fault"

Justice Secretary Kenny Macaskill took to the airwaves this week to defend the Scottish Government's response to the recent big freeze. 

Despite cynics wondering why oor Kenny was straying quite so far from his own ministerial brief to gob on about the weather, he nevertheless insisted in talking exclusively to The JT.

"After first invoking the idea of a supernatural entity in relation to the Lockerbie Bomber's prostate cancer, which finally seems to be getting worse, thank fuck, I've now decided to drag in The Deity anytime anything bad happens."

Mr Macaskill went on to explain that Scotland's worst winter in 30 years was the result of divine intervention, saying, A higher power than even me has sat in judgement on Scotland and passed a sentence far graver than I could ever impose."

Mr Macaskill refuses to speculate on why the Lord Our God should feel the need to punish Scotland with shitey weather. "I haven't really thought that whole divine retribution thing through, to be honest. It was just something I thought up while trying to sell the Megrahi release to the septics."

From Heaven where he sits on high with all the angels, God confirmed to The JT that he was responsible for the snowy weather, saying, in a booming holy voice, that he sent the snow because he just likes to see people sliding about on icy pavements before falling on their arses.

Inside: Local councils confirm that they will clear icy roads and pavements no later than mid-July.

Thursday, 7 January 2010

"Get orf my laand."

Would you believe it? Hundreds of Scotland's biggest landowners - that's the "poor farmers" to us urban types, have collectively decided that they don't want an upgrade to the Beauly-Denny powerline because the giant pylons would "spoil the environment." 


I recently spotted a fuck-off giant 4x4 of the type beloved of these (ahem) "eco- warriors" with a "Say No To Pylons" sticker on the back windscreen. I can only assume that either: what I thought I knew  about the environmental impact of 4-litre diesel-powered civilianised armoured cars is wrong, or the owner of the vehicle has a very specific and particular understanding of  the word "environment."

But fair's fair. Since the upgrade is necessary to trunk renewably-generated electricity to the Central Belt, what would the protesters suggest as an alternative scenario? 

  • Have electricity delivered the traditional way. In brown paper parcels brought by the postie
  • Build nuclear power stations in places that don't matter. Council housing schemes for example
  • Destroy wind-farms because they just use up all the wind
  • Do nothing until the usual happens: the urban taxpayer sends the poor farmers another enormous cheque and they shut up about it.
Inside: I'm not one to be racist as you know, but it's surprising how many of the "local" protesters when interviewed can only speak "faah, fwah, fwah!"

Sunday, 3 January 2010

It's Snawmageddon!

As Scotland shivers under the worst winter conditions since records began etc, we've been out and about seeing how this our own, our native land is coping and ask, whit the fuck's happened to the global warmimg we were promised?

Snow devastates, improves Coatbridge


   "Hurry up, the offie's shutting in 10 minutes!"

"It's stewed seagull or hee haw"

Meet your new neighbours