Tuesday, 31 March 2015

This is why, in politics, context is everything (From The Scotsman)

The story is of Jim Murphy donating food to a bank while promising to do away with the need for foodbanks. OK, the picture caption indicates that intent but you take one look at the photo and really, the speech bubble writes itself...

Monday, 30 March 2015

From the BBC , so it must be true...

Labour's election campaign manager, Douglas Alexander, confirmed to the BBC that the challenge of securing a Labour majority would be difficult but "doable. ".
 He also took the opportunity to announce the appointment of Harvey, a six foot rabbit  only he can see, as advisor. Mr Alexander told the BBC, "At election time its very easy to lose touch with reality, Harvey's wise advice will keep my feet firmly planted 100 miles in the air, orbiting the different planet I live on."

Saturday, 28 March 2015

Breaking news...making a contribution to making the SNP the largest party...

The SNP is on the verge of “making history” by winning more Scottish seats at Westminster than any of the other parties, its campaign director said.

Angus Robertson predicted that when voters across the UK go to the polls in May the “SNP can become the largest party in the Westminster elections in Scotland”. He also confirmed to delegates that yes, he was the fat bastard who ate all the pies.

Friday, 27 March 2015

This just in...

Star Wars character also enjoys playing rugby!
and Boba Fett's getting a start at scrum -half...

Thursday, 26 March 2015

Wait for it, wait for it...(From The Skintman)

THEY are just two miles apart, but people at the tram stop at Bankhead are likely to live around a decade less than those using the next stop at Balgreen.

Residents of Bankhead are being advised not to try stopping the tram by walking out in front of it.

Monday, 23 March 2015

Looking for a photo to illustrate a dictionary definition?

The definition of selfless? Here you go...thank The Scotsman.

"No, I'm a fool to myself, I really am..."

Inside: Previously in The JT, older evidence of Charles being a fool to himself:


Friday, 20 March 2015

How fecked are you now?

Nick Clegg says 

Lib Dems can pull

 off election 'surprises'

Nick CleggMr Clegg said the party had a "fight on their hands" but predicted election "surprises"
Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has told the BBC predictions of a Lib Dem "apocalypse" would be confounded.He told a frankly incredulous JT, "For such an apocalypse to occur it would have to be foretold and there would be great signs and wonders manifest, God would cause the moon to obscure the sun and a great darkness would be upon the earth."

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

The name's the same...

Thank goodness there's no confusion over what David's called- he was and remains, a fat, racist cunt.

Thursday, 12 March 2015

How art works

Nicola shown here not life-sized, painting shown  here is life-sized...

Monday, 9 March 2015

How Scottish are you?

If this news doesn't surprise or shock you in the least, then you're definitely Scottish. (Thanks to Highland Pete)


Thursday, 5 March 2015

Robohack-the future of vote enforcement!

Jim Murphy, facing an electoral meltdown in the May election will today unveil the latest weapon in the fightback-Robohack, a super robot designed to persuade the electorate to vote Labour or else.

Jim told The JT :"We've experimented with synthetic life forms before, but Johann Lamont and Iain Gray were a but pish to be honest, we're hoping that Robohack is better at mimicking human behaviour because those two were rubbish at it."

Boffins have told The JT that Robohack is likely to come up against from Asimov's fourth law of robotics:robots programmed by plausible social democrats tend to be a bit rubbish. 

Professor Beaker, back from a long sabbatical explains:"Social democracy seeks to accommodate socialist programmes within the context of a capitalist economy, which works a bit until the economy drives itself over a cliff taking any socialist notions with it. Robohack will  experience cognitive dissonance engendered by holding two contradictory positions in a single brain. 
It is likely the entity will eventually flail about ineffectually before exploding in a shower of sparks and going all melted- just like Johann and Iain..."

"Who are you?" "Iam Jim, your creator."
"Oh, fuck me."

Wednesday, 4 March 2015

Monday, 2 March 2015

This, just in, from The BBC...

McCall plays down link to Rangers

Posted at
Scotland coach Stuart McCall has played down talk of a return to Rangers, for whom he played for seven years in the 1990s.
Gordon Strachan and Stuart McCall
McCall stepped down as Motherwell manager in November but is wary of taking up a position that would end his involvement with the national team.
He said: "It's got to be something that would really make me want to go and do it. Obviously, Rangers is a huge club.
"But a team have got to want you to be involved and then you look into it." He told The JT:"I will look into it, then, if I decide to accept the position of manager, I will immediately shoot myself in the face, to save time six months down the road."