Tuesday, 31 December 2013

The Jaggy Thistle, (recyled) review of the year

It was Barbara Dixon who once started off promisingly reciting the months of the year before getting stuck on February, but here at JT Mansions we're made of sterner stuff as prove this 12 part excuse to recycle material of doubtful provenance will...

Mark McGhee, football coach impersonator, issued a not especially convincing plea to be judged anew on taking the No2 spot at the job-creation project known as the "Scotland set-up."

Philip Tartaglia, brought off the Cardinal's bench as a sub for man-liker Cardinal O'Brien,made it clear that there would be no homosexual activity on his watch...


In not at all unexpected news, New  Cumnock won the most depressing place in Scotland award, strangely missing out on the "post-apocalypse, everywhere will look like this award"...

The death of Margaret Thatcher divided UK opinion between those who thought she was alright and those who know she was an a-one, complete, Jeremy Hunt. But we did speculate what the scene might look like if she'd come back to life...

Famous for liking the odd pint or six and supposedly revelling in the rough and tumble of street politics, Nigel Farage came to Edinburgh and immediately revised his opinion about the second bit...

David Cameron, keen to brandish his progressive, socially -liberal credentials, you know, the ones that apparently excuse the rest of his viciously reactionary agenda, gets down with the gays...

Look everyone! Mumford and Sons played T in The Park!
 (Apologies again to Charlie Brooker for just stealing his gag).

If the Yes campaign wins in 2014, one rather imagines it will be in spite of the leadership...

Jack Vettriano, who continues to infuriate the arts world by making money and not being dead, issued a warning ahead of an exhibition of his work...(via The Skintman).

You know that last Scottish Secretary? The one that no one knew who he was? Well, it happened again...

Alex and Nicola prepare to diversify their product portfolio...
"Don't forget your cigarette lighters and sports socks, two pairs the pound..."

No there isn't a December, because forgive me but I'm going to indulge myself even more than usual by breaching a self-imposed rule never to talk about stuff without a Scottish angle. But since everyone has already talked about it, can I point you to our little fan boy tribute to Breaking Bad? 
The video is designed around the conceit that Bryan Cranston is a massive fan of Steely Dan, that SD's Kid Charlemagne is about Owsley Stanley, an 1960s acid cook AND Bryan's character "Hal" in Malcolm in The Middle claimed that he'd used the Charlemagne handle while working as a pirate DJ.
 If history ultimately makes fools of us all, this is one instance, probably never to be repeated, when we could be said to be ahead of the curve. 
Everyone now is quite rightly hailing BB as a masterpiece, we thought so as well when we produced this tribute, in May 2010.
 Please indulge us and with any luck the YT views will breach the 3000 mark, especially if you point fellow Breakers (?) in the right direction. Anyway, a good new year to everyone, see you on the other side..

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

And as mortality rates

at three of Lanarkshire's hospitals give cause for concern, hospital management deepen their proactive health strategy...
From this....

To this...

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

WTF can go wrong with this methodology?

From the BBC...
A study aimed at cutting binge drinking by Scottish men will use text messaging in an attempt to change behaviour.
Researchers at the University of Dundee are set to recruit 700 men aged between 25 and 44 for the study.
They hope to target those who have settled into a pattern of binge drinking, consuming more than eight units of alcohol per drinking session.
Participants will receive regular texts for three months, followed by a phone interview to check their behaviour.
It is not thought, but it is highly likely, that recipients of the text will struggle even to get the phone out of their pockets while gently swaying back and forward,  then squint at the message with one eye shut to cut down the double vision, mutter "Ah cannae read this, ahm too gassed", put the phone away and continue working through their eight units which everyone knows is eight of whatever you happen to be drinking.

Saturday, 14 December 2013

Yes, probably best to err on the side of caution

when stuff starts to fall off your stuff... (From The BBC)

Edinburgh's Christmas: Star Flyer stays closed for checks

A 200ft (60m) carnival ride in Edinburgh is to remain closed until Sunday after a large piece of plastic fell off the attraction.
It is thought that the ride will remain closed during a period of high winds being experienced. 
A council spokesscreamifwyouwanttogofaster told The JT:" I wouldn't say it was windy, but Edinburgh Airport has already granted landing rights to any star flyer riders who get, er, detached." 
It is thought that riders landing at the airport will have to clear customs and immigration in the normal way, and any scrotes originating from west of Harthill will be immediately deported in the normal way.
This is actually just the wind making it go round, very cheap to operate apparently

Thursday, 12 December 2013

No idea where this is from

but I can't help but concur with the sentiment.
 Much as doing the Tesco shop wearing in pyjamas broadcasts the wearer's status as a self-regarding tit, over-doing the Xmas lights broadcasts passive aggression, as in: "If you think this is an over the top exercise in light pollution then there's something wrong with you."

Sunday, 8 December 2013

Enabling a forward strategy at this moment in time...

Customers for the new border railway asked Transport Scotland if the trains could run a bit faster, this, quoted on the BBC Scotland's website, was the organisation's official response:

Transport Scotland said 98% of journeys would be under one hour with room for "more positive timetable solutions".

Yeh, say what you like about Mussolini, but at least he found ways to enact more positive timetable solutions...

Thursday, 5 December 2013

Haud me back!

No really, haud me back. 
Apparently this is a real prize offered by The Skintman. Please feel free to speculate on the likely location and duration of the second prize...

Beautiful, but not actually in Falkirk...

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

From The Skintman

Not quite at Henry Kissinger/Nobel Peace Prize/end of satire level but close...

Wednesday, 27 November 2013

Referendum White Paper- a pictorial souvenir to cherish forever...

Only Nicola could see her spirit guide:the 1972 version of Al Pacino...
The document itself, sadly lacking anything on the rumours about Alex or that really good one about Nicola...

Alex marveled anew at how the servo mechanisms in Nicola's control pod allowed her to mimic human movement...
Also available, cigarette lighters and sports socks , two pairs a pound...
As John wondered when lunch was, Kenny could feel himself begin to fade away and Fiona's eyebrows prepared to make a break for freedom...

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

From The BBC: Just needs a tiny winy little tweak...

An independent Scotland would have a new licence fee funded broadcaster based on the assets and staff of BBC Scotland, a Holyrood minister has said.
Culture Secretary Fiona Hyslop made the pledge in a speech to the Salford Media Festival.
She told the gathering that the current level of licence fee "would be more than sufficient to provide a high-quality service". And River City.

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

You're welcome...

I'm sure its just a case of the photo editor at The Hardup just forgetting to dig this out.

Thief robs priest of alcohol collection

A thief broke into the home of one of Scotland's leading Catholic clergymen and stole his collection of valuable whisky and cognac.
Career criminal Simon Winks, 36, has been warned he faces a lengthy spell in prison after robbing the Rt Rev Monsignor Hugh McInally, 80, at his Perthshire home.
Fiscal depute Carol Whyte told Perth Sheriff Court that witnesses saw Winks and another man carrying a holdall. A dog walker noticed damage to the Monsignor's door and called the police.

Monday, 18 November 2013

Richard Wilson struggles to find an appropriate phrase to describe his incredulity...

The actor Richard Wilson, honoured at the Scottish BAFTAS for his outstanding contribution to television and film, struggled to find an appropriate phrase to describe his surprise at being given the award.
 Mr Wilson did accept that there had been rumours flying around prior to the award night but he told The JT:" It was put to me that I might be in line for an award but my response was to say that I thought the whole prospect  to be highly unlikely."

 Even when the idea was mooted by his long-term friend and agent, Mr Wilson averred remarking: "The whole idea just breaks all bounds of credibility." Mr Wilson confessed himself surprised and delighted by the totally unexpected turn of events:
" When my name was announced my first thought was, I've been transported into an alternative dimension where conventional, empirical notions of truth, falsity and evidential rules do not apply.But even that doesn't accurately describe my inner emotional and intellectual state of incredulity, perhaps no such phrase exists."
 Mr Wilson is  best known for his roles in long running TV shows like Only When I Laugh, Tutti Frutti and, of course, Merlin.

Thursday, 14 November 2013

Just add five years on

His Royal Highness is 65 today. So we could now describe him as retired. Which reminds me of the news, many years ago, that reported Princess Margaret as being on holiday. Occasioning a letter The Guardian along the lines of :"from what exactly?"
Anyway, go on, just add 5 years on....

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Thanks BBC

because what  with all that typhoon related unpleasantness going on in The Philippines it far to easy to forget about the really important things. Oh, and thanks as well to whoever thought this "news" deserved a punt via a PR to Springfield Quay.


Sunday, 10 November 2013

Nicola Sturgeon:Minister, lawyer and naval architect.

It was exclusively  revealed this weekend that Nicola Sturgeon on top of her many other qualities is also a qualified naval architect. The news emerged as Ms Sturgeon confidently predicted that Scotland, post-independence would be the natural place to build the new generation of destroyers required by the rump of the UK.

She told The JT:" While studying law at Glasgow and working the pubs with my Suzi Quatro tribute act, I also did a degree in naval construction which is why I'm such an expert on the subject.

Ms Sturgeon, confident that orders for UK destroyers will flow north, conveniently ignoring those yards in England perfectly capable of building the fuckin' pointless exercises in post-imperial grandstanding, also revealed plans for The Clyde to become a centre for the building of a world-class new design- pocket battleships.
 She told a heavily sighing JT: "In this modern world of micro-electronics its should be perfectly possible to build a battleship that fits conveniently in the pocket. I think the Germans did something similar in the 1930s but I'm a bit hazy on the detail."

Ms Sturgeon's will be appearing at the Dog and Hammer in Govan this weekend with her one-woman show:"Suzi:the feathered years." Pie and pint, £2.50, nae colours.
"A wan, a two, a wan two three four!"

Inside: On a more serious note, for a reasoned, historically informed, discussion of the Clyde issues have a look at Ian Jack's beautifully written essay in TheGuardian:http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/nov/08/uk-still-needs-ships-build-ourselves

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

Monday, 4 November 2013

And so, St.Andrews University...

continues to fulfill its historic mission- acting as a dating agency for posh kids from the Home Counties...

Friday, 1 November 2013

The Chris Boningtons...

...two men skilled in climbing mountains...(From The BBC, twice)

"A book festival in an East Lothian country house opens later with a talk by mountaineer Sir Chris Bonington."

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Presentation is everything, until it's not...

Minister Keith Brown was called upon to issue his annual warning yesterday on the need to prepare for winter. Keith's press officer obviously thought it would be great if Keith deliver his homily while dressed AS IF IT WERE COLD! See what they did there? No, me neither.
 It wouldn't surprise me to hear that Keith needed treatment for heat exhaustion on what was a pretty balmy Edinburgh day.
 Using the logic that presentation influences the reception of the message, we may look forward to Keith warning of a hot summer ahead, standing in a freezing March gale, wearing bermudas oot of Primark,, sun block and a sombrero.

"Naw, really ah'm dead cold staunin' here, nae guising..."

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

No, honestly I;'m fine, I've just got something in my eye...

Watched the documentary on Nic Jones the other night. If you know his back story you'll now why he's uniquely qualified to gently instruct the rest of us on the absolute necessity to try and live in the now.
 I don't know what is is, but I've got this terrible lump in my throat at the moment...

Monday, 14 October 2013

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

And this just in...

Reports that continuing confusion over the identity of the new Scottish Secretary has reached the highest levels of government.

Friday, 4 October 2013

And lo...

it came to pass, thanks to the chimpanzees that run the captions software on Reporting Scotland, BBC Scotland's leaking tugboat news show, that Roy Hodgson was transformed into a beautiful stained-glass window... Give me an amen.

Monday, 30 September 2013

A boy's got to have a hobby...

Even The Skintsman coverage of George's latest wheeze to cut the jobless failed to appreciate that George Osborne has hinterland...

Thursday, 26 September 2013

While absolutely definitely getting where

the paper's going with it, The Scotsman's link to the story might have been better thought through...

Sunday, 22 September 2013

Praise The Alex!

Almost from The Skintman, so it must be true, Alex dramatically raises the stakes in the game of promising- voters- free-stuff- stakes ....

Next week:How you can sit at Alex's right hand for all eternity...

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

And as

budget cuts at BBC Scotland bite deep, sports journo Rhona Mcleod has to take on new part-time job...