Saturday, 31 August 2013

The sight and text of no straw left un-clutched at...

Darling: Independent Scotland would lack international clout due to future paucity of fuckin' gunboats presumably, or some other bollocks.

Speaking at the launch of the Glasgow Better Together campaign, Alistair Darling warned that an independent Scotland would lack diplomatic clout in dealing with international crises like Syria.In a admirable performance, Mr Darling, shown below, actually managed to keep his face straight while deliberately ignoring the manifest fact that the current UK set up has no clout in dealing with international crises like Syria either. 
Leaders from the Better Together camp met today for the official Glasgow launch of their campaign, to set the case for Scotland remaining in the UK with the message it would be the 'best of both worlds'
 Mr Darling warned that Scottish influence in deciding the final winner of Strictly would also suffer after independence and deciding who got thrown out of Big Brother would be a non starter frankly.

Thursday, 29 August 2013

(Almost) from The Hardup...

Crime clan chief Big Mags Haney buried, Scottish prison population sees sudden and significant temporary fall...

THE FAMILY of Big Mags Haney arrived by limousine, taxi, and prisoner transport for the funeral of the Scottish crime clan matriarch.
Four of the chief ­mourners, Mags's son Hugh, two of her grandsons James Kerr Cowan and Kevin Boon, and great-­granddaughter Leigh Hume, 18, attended handcuffed to Reliance guards, having arrived in four separate Reliance vans.

Sunday, 25 August 2013

From BBC Scotland

The national event for Armed Forces Day is to be held in Stirling next year ahead of the independence referendum.
UK Defence Secretary Philip Hammond said the event would help underline the strength of the union.
Scotland's veterans minister, Keith Brown, said he was not concerned with the UK government's motivation for bringing the event to Scotland.
He said the Scottish government was just glad to be hosting the national day - held annually in June since 2009.
 He told The JT: "Actually, the more I think about it, the  weight of the internal contradictions inherent in the nationalist- yet-part- of- flaccid- post-imperial- Britain-thantic-nostalgia-cult problematic, are making screeching sounds in my head and  I really think that my brain is just about to explode, so would you excuse me?"
Keith, seen here in happier, pre-brain exploding days...

Thursday, 15 August 2013

What this is really about...

Leading writer accuses arts bodies of being 'Grayaphobic'

LEADING writer and artist ­Alasdair Gray has criticised arts boards for being "Grayaphobic" and appointing English administrators to top jobs instead of giving all the jobs to Alasdair Gray.
ATTACK: Gray criticised Scots arts bodies for appointing English people to top jobs. Picture: Gordon Terris
ATTACK: Gray criticised Scots arts bodies for appointing English people to top jobs, and not giving him all the jobs despite him being great at everything 
Picture: Gordon Terris, actually Alasdair could've taken a better picture...
The author, defending his essay which described the English in Scotland as settlers or colonists, expressed fears about administrators from south of the Border being given leading Scots positions instead of giving all the jobs to Alasdair.
Speaking at an event at the Edinburgh International Book Festival, the author of Lanark and painter of acclaimed public murals said: "The Scots bodies that appoint heads are Grayaphobic when it comes to not giving me all the top jobs. I think it is because they don't think Scottish artists would be as manageable or as great as what Iam."
Inside:Tell the truth, did you understand Lanark?

Friday, 9 August 2013

Evidence of panda sluttery at Edinburgh zoo! (From BBC Scotland)

What I love about this is the subhead that asks "how do you get a panda pregnant?" Ooh, I dunno, wild guess:by shagging it?

Thursday, 1 August 2013

"Did you spill my pint (of mead)?"

Archaeologists working at The Battle of Bannockburn site have discovered new evidence that King Robert and his horse both suffered from pre-traumatic stress disorder
This unusual affliction meant that the king and his horse, Trigger, both  had to wear a big blue plastic bag to inhibit over-breathing and possible panic attacks on going into to battle. 
The new evidence therefore suggests that King Robert did not mean to kill Henry De Bohun in single combat. 
It was actually Henry's brother, Clint, he'd meant to kill for spilling the king's pint of mead the night before in The Bannockburn Arms, but Robert blindly twatted the wrong knight with his axe.
It is thought that the renovated statue of the king has been re-designed to reflect our update in historical understanding.