Sunday, 25 September 2011

If you have tears to shed

prepare to shed them now.
In the face of the worst financial crisis in the station's history, Scotland On Sunday reports that BBC Scotland is to shed 150 jobs. 
In reality, this means that living members and generations yet unborn of the Magnusson dynasty will not now merely walk into staff gigs at Pacific Quay as before. And now, dry your eyes, for it is time to move on.
For in other great news, River City, is to be (ahem) "scaled back". I was holding out hope that The Soap Naebody Watches might have been "scaled down", thus providing work for thespians of diminished stature, but no.
 It appears that instead the Scottish viewing public will enjoy a reduction in the number of times those opening titles on screen has the nation reaching for the remote while muttering "Ahm no watching this pish", electing instead to watch a fascinating 26 part documentary over on BBC2 about paint drying.

Friday, 23 September 2011

Just very, very occasionally

God looks fondly upon your editor and says "Go on mate, have a go at this." Such was the case this very day, dear reader, when Lord Snooty announced a "Great " Britain poster and postcard campaign to boost (ahem) "The UK" ahead of the London Olympics. Y-ee-ss.
I think we shall return more than once to a theatrical production that is really about Southern England with brief walk on parts for "Oop North" and Scotland.And, as far as I can see, Wales and NI don't even get a spear to carry. Nae luck.


Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Unfortunately, its deja vu all over again

This from BBC Scotland today:
And this from The Jaggy back in March 2005:

"Cow Toffee" : fundamental particle falls victim to healthy diet craze.

The worlds of toffee confectionery and dentistry were united in mourning this week on the news that McCowans of Stenhousemuir, purveyors of dentally challenging sweeties to generations of Scots, has gone into receivership.The current management of the firm blame the trend towards healthy eating for a slump in sales of the company’s products and as JT readers of a certain age can readily attest, the firm’s famous Cow Toffee does not score highly on the healthy eating front. Who can forget that magic moment of ecstasy on applying one’s molars to the light brown slab of dark matter only to have your teeth crumble in defeat?
As Professor Beaker of The Good Old Days Studies at Aberdeen now recalls : "I well mind when Scotland’s streets were littered with half chewed bits of Cow’s Toffee, their surface pitted with the dark grey remains of dental filling that been pulled out of the plaque stained remains of the nation’s juvenile teeth. Happy days"
But fear not, for even if the fads of fashion dictate the demise of McCowans, Cow Toffee will go on - indeed, as another Professor Beaker, top physics boffin, now explains, Cow Toffee holds the universe together:"At the sub-atomic level, way below the level of neutrons and quarks, an electron microscope of unimaginable power may one day confirm what we scientists already believe - at root, matter is composed of serried ranks of slabs upon slabs of Cow Toffee. Cow Toffee is the fundamental particle. And I’d just like to make it clear that I’m not related to the other Professor Beaker previously cited in this completely made-up article." Inside: Nostalgia corner: Remember "Lucky Bags"? As in: you’ll be "lucky" if you don’t break all your teeth on the contents, that kind of lucky…

Monday, 19 September 2011

Fuck me! You wouldn't shag it would you?

Caption not even added on legal advice
The gentleman on the right of the picture to your left, is Mr Brian Soutar, a very, very rich man.
 I "borrowed" the photograph from Brian's website, of which more below, but let us first  turn our attention to Brian's latest utterance.

If The Scotsman is to be believed, serial God Botherer Brian is exercised over the amount of "recreational" sex his fellow Scots get up to. 
And believe me, he means "fellow" Scots, because Brian has form in terms of not living and let living when it comes to gay people. On a personal note, can I just say that I  wouldn't look upon having sex with Brian as a recreational activity, I think it would be more like work, but anyway.

As of last week, Brian was loudly complaining that Google were "blocking" access to his own personal website, I didn't realise that Google had started blocking websites on the basis of  total, self-promoting banality, but you live and learn.
Anyway, here's the link to Brian's personal website, fill your boots:

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Whoa! Canada!

I had resolved not to mention the Rugby World Cup, currently being played in the middle of the night for some reason, in That New Zealand.

As the reader of The JT will recall, however vaguely, before the nice nurse comes round with the blue circular ones, I have in the taken the opportunity afforded by the RWC in the past to have a piss-ripping session directed at YOU KNOW WHO. 
Unfortunately, any time I've exercised my oh-so-cleverness, England either won or nearly won. This  state of affairs is what we scientists call A VERY BAD THING.

So, I hope I'm not fucking myself over by asking you to check out the photo below of  Canuck flanker, Adam Kleeburger. 
Isn't that the best beard ever?

I've checked his biog, and nowhere can I find mention of his leisure time pursuit of playing guitar in  the band, formed in tribute to a certain brand of heads- down, no- nonsense -Texas- boogie. The name of the Canuck tribute band?
 Why, ZZ Toque, of course. 

Every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man, apparently...

Monday, 12 September 2011

Barrel, like shooting fish in a

Pot, kettle, black.
 Expert on meaninglessness, pointlessness knocks one out of the park...
(From the BBC)

Catholic Church in anti-gay marriage stance...

Archbishop Conti said at the weekend that same-sex marriages would be "meaningless".
The Archbishop of Glasgow said allowing gay couples to marry in a traditional sense would be pointless as it would not result in the creation of a "natural family".

Friday, 9 September 2011

While a spokesmortarboard

for St. Andrews University conceded that setting fees for English students at £9000 per year might seem high, the university was implementing a series of concessions and discounts tailored towards meeting the unusual day to day living supports required by the average student of the university.

Thursday, 8 September 2011

And this just in

Northern coastal toilet John O'Groats, recipient of numerous awards for its dumpness, is to undergo a three stage renovation process.
John O' Groats: al fresco bog.

Stage one.

Monday, 5 September 2011

Do try to keep up

"I was thinking of  more of a  fuschia shade"

With the Forth Rail Bridge finally painted forever, my so-called rivals are now searching for a new metaphor to describe a never ending task. Metaphor and simile, we got there first. This from February 2008.

Forth Rail Bridge paint job finishes : search for new simile begins
 Engineers working on the historic Forth Railway Bridge confirmed this week that it will no longer be necessary to continuously re-paint the iconic structure.
It is thought that over time, the long-lasting paint will save cash, but, in the short-term the news has sparked the search for a replacement simile as Professor You-Should-Know-Who-By-This-Time now explains:
"For generations, Scottish children have been encultured into understanding the parameters of a task that is, by its very nature, unending, through use of the painting the Forth Railway Bridge simile. With that simile cruelly rendered redundant by uncaring scientists fucking about and improving paint technology, its like a massive flow of lava has been poured into the heart of our culture, burning it to ashes.
OK, I know we're only one simile short but I thought you'd want a really dramatic simile."
The search now begins to find a suitable replacement simile that communicates the idea of being engaged in a never-ending task. "We could revert to using the Augean stables simile but that one is foreign in origin and therefore rubbish."
It is to be hoped that JT readers will think up and send in suitable replacement similes over the coming weeks, months, years and millennia, because the editor of The JT is completely blanking on it.
It is thought the search for an appropriate new simile will be like doing something that's really hard.
Meanwhile, industrial archaeologists have unearthed the real reason why the bridge has traditionally been re-painted continuously. Here is an extract from the journal of the bridge engineer on the day the structure was completed:
"With the last rivet in place, the last tie secured, today should have been a day for celebration, as I intended when I invited my lady wife to view the bridge, truly a wonder of the age. Imagine the sense of crushing disappointment when she merely sniffed disdainfully and remarked: "Well, I don't like the colour very much…"
Inside: Search for new simile likely to be Herculean task. Or do I mean metaphor?

Re-brand Scots Tories?

Yes, Murdo, that would work, absolutely .
You should definitely do that.

Before re-brand- average Scottish perception of The Tories:  

After re-brand as "Fluffy, Wuffy, Bunnies Party":

Saturday, 3 September 2011

"Listen! Did you hear that as well?"-spectral entity to stand for Labour Leadership.

Johann Lamont, yesterday, possibly.
I mean, who really knows, right?
Things are definitely going bump in the night this week, as a spectral entity has announced, its, her, intention to stand for the post of Labour Party leader in Scotland.
 A Ms Johann Lamont, who apparently is actually a real person, will contest the race for the top job. 

At a press conference held to declare her, its, candidacy, assembled hacks  waited in vain, as Ms Lamont failed to appear in corporeal form, along one of the journalists present did report feeling a bit of chill in the neck at one point.

 At Holyrood itself, staff manning the building are none the spokesjannie spoke to The JT: " Johann Lamont? Nut, never heard of her. I mean there's a spectral presence here now and again, that you might catch a glimpse of just out the corner of your eye, but that's it. Lamont? Are you sure she works here, aye?"
Ms Lamont who appears to have risen without trace, sunk and then rose again, fully realises that she will have to raise her profile amongst fellow party members to have any chance of success. It is thought that Ms Lamont intends to cover herself in a white sheet and float about going "whooooo".

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Because you're well read dear reader,

you recall that the American satirist Tom Lehrer declared the art form redundant when Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for basically bombing the shit out of Cambodia.
  I think someone need to get Tom on the phone. Right. Fucking. Now...