Friday, 25 February 2011

and so we were back in St.Andrews yeh?

And we were like totally OK with it and everything? And we were waiting for the car to take us back to the helicopter and then this totally old man just  came and stood beside us? 
And  we were like:Oh.My.God. Is he like in a pantomime or something? But no, 'cos laters, Will's equerry, Miles, told us that he was some pol. Bo-ring, yeh I know, called Sir Mingin' Campbell? So I said "whoa Miles, fairs fair yah?. I mean he smelt a bit old but he wasn't exactly pongers."

Thursday, 24 February 2011

You know that

expression "Normal for Norfolk"? Implying as it does that denizens of that area of fenland aren't, you know, quite right? Well, have a look at "Average for Auchinleck". 
The gentleman below is a senior policeman covering that charming  East-Ayrshire hamlet and featured on Reporting Scotland last night.
.Unbidden to one's conscious mind rises the thought, "if this is whit the local  polis look like whit  the fuck dae the neds look like?"

Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Trident fleet to be renewed, relocated....

"Ooh ahr" etc
Dr Liam Fox, GP and mass death and destruction liker announced today that the UK's fleet of Trident submarines will be replaced: " In an uncertain world, its important that our country plays its part- in indirectly supporting the US defense industry who generously allow us to lease the nuclear  technology from them for a few trifling billion dollars." 

Sensitive to the charge that he might be condemning  the area  around Faslane to another generation of nuclear risk, Dr Fox told The JT: " To spread the risk out a bit, I'm proposing that Faslane play host to the subs during the week, while the subs are parked outside my constituency office in the Somerset town of Nailsea on the weekends."
Contacted for comment a Nailsea local said something or other but we couldn't make out a word of it. Something about cider maybe, or having a sheepy girlfriend. 
Christ knows to be honest. 

Friday, 18 February 2011

"I'll just slip away quietly"

Retiring MSP Wendy Alexander has told The JT that she doesn't want any fuss when she finally leaves Holyrood. " I don't want any big special send off" she said, "despite me being really great and everything." 
Ms Alexander has thoughtfully provided Holyrood officials with plans of the small, modest farewell that everyone will be expected to attend or there will be fuckin' trouble.
"That's your procession waiting for you now Ms Alexander."

Meanwhile, Scottish  Labour leader Iain Gray continues to suffer profile problems with a survey showing that the public have no idea  who he is. The profile problem seems to go much deeper than public perception. Mr Gray told The JT:" I was looking in the mirror the other day and I recognised the face but I couldn't put a name to it." 

Thursday, 17 February 2011


I got  this via Graham Linehan's website. 
File under: "Petard, hoisted by one's own."

Friday, 11 February 2011

Are Tornado (ahem) "accidents" linked?

With a second Tornado jet crashing within a month , concerns are growing at RAF Lossiemouth that the losses are linked. 

A spokeschocksawaychaps told The JT: " we're concerned that the pilots based at Lossiemouth are jealous of their colleagues at Leuchers who've got shiny new Typhoon fighters to play with. It may be that the Tornado pilots are deliberately trying to break the jets so they get given new ones"

Other incidents at the Moray-base include:
  • Pilots complaining that the Tornado jets look all old and yucky.
  • Deliberately flying the jet slowly to make it look rubbish.
  • Leaving brochures extolling the virtues of the Typhoon around where they know the base-commander can see them.
  • Ostentatiously taking ages to start up the Tornado, while complaining loudly that: " the starter motor's completely fucked on it." 

Airworthiness issues with ageing Tornado

Contacted by The JT for comment , the base-commander said:" We're aware that some of the pilots are throwing the toys out of the pram on this equipment issue but I want to make it clear that if pilots insist on behaving like sulky teenagers then we will withdraw the X-Box 360 from the mess effective immediately."

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Ye-e-s...(From the BBC)

A town in the west of Scotland is to install fake shop fronts to disguise high street stores left vacant in the economic downturn.
The "shopjackets" in Dumbarton town centre give the impression that the stores are still occupied.
West Dunbartonshire Council believes the £20,000 pilot scheme will "improve the look" of the area and is a better alternative to boarded up shop fronts.
Speaking exclusively to The JT, local resident OAP Mrs Effie McStereotype said:
" Ah've been trying to  open the door intae this butchers shoap fur fifteen minutes. I mean, is it real or no, son, ken whit ah mean? Ah've no even been the Post Office yet and here's me, still trying tae get mince fur ma man's tea. Its a whit, son? trompe l'oeil?
 Whit's that? Whit de ye mean its an artistic technique used to create a sense of perspective and depth? So its no a real shoap then? Its the cooncil is it? Right, I'll gie them trompe l'oeil when I get ah hud uh thum.

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

and as

it appears increasingly unlikely that Finance Minister John Swinney will be able to secure cross-party support for his budget, it is thought that Mr Swinney will be forced to implement take radical measures  to persuade the other parties at Holyrood  to change course.

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Not even at the races Eddie boy...

Douglas Alexander MP
Perhaps in a bid to make some  political capital out of his geek-persona, Labour's UK leader Ed Miliband has said that as a kid he was a bit of a nerd and therefore a dab hand at doing the Rubik's Cube thing.

As you know dear reader, I'm firmly of the view that ALL politicians of ALL parties spent their younger years getting into practice for being politicians when they got big. They all sat down the front of the class without being told and dreamt of being head prefect.

Rummaging about the wardrobe that is the JT archive, the following fell off the top of the wardrobe and hit me on the head. I think  we can all agree that when it comes to political geeks, Scotland still leads the rest of the UK. And yes, Tavish Scott, I am looking at you.

Incidentally, in a weird synchronic twist, the story below relies on Abertay University for its plot device, where just this  week the principal and his deputy have both been suspended. Perhaps the institution will now be looking out for a new level and end boss.

If you don't get that gag, ask your kids.

Anyway, this from The JT, September 2001.

 Free inside! Normality patch for Douglas Alexander v.1

Minister for e-commerce Douglas Alexander was at the University of Abertay this week to offer government support to the PC games industry.
The University already offers degree courses in "Playing Counterstrike With Your Pals For Three Years Studies" with an honours option in "Explaining The Size Of The Phone Bill to Your Dad."

Fresh faced ex-lawyer Douglas, not previously known for his love of computer gaming, told assembled geeks: "The introduction of computer games provided the plinky-plonky soundtrack for my generation. I well remember kids at my primary school avidly playing Space Invaders as I read 'The Ladybird Book of controlling caucus meetings'.

And later, let's not forget the impact of games like PacMan that the other children wouldn't let me have a shot of because they thought I was weird. Looking back I often wonder about my fellow schoolmates and ask 'Are any of them now also ministers of state?'  I don't fuckin' think so…"

The government boost for Scotland's games industry is welcome, with £25m allocated. Not at all geeky Professor Beaker of Abertay disclosed the break down of the development support to the JT. Struggling to control the pitch in his breaking voice, he quavered :"A couple of quid will be allocated to developing new coding for the next generation of multi-platform devices but the remainder of the budget will go on the artwork for the game packs - bitchin' paintings of scantily clad babes with enormous tits. Believe me we know our market."

Inside: Wendy and Douglas to form accordion and piano based singing duo- …ladeez an'genlemen give it up for "The Alexander Siblings" (Thanks to Eileen)