Sunday, 31 March 2013

Morning, afternoon and evening all..

After seemingly coming out with a public pronouncement every fuckin' day for fuckin' weeks, the new head of the unified police service, Steve House, confirmed the worse to The JT:

" As a young boy, I vaguely remember watching Dixon of Dock Green on one of those TV nostalgia shows that C4 used to do because it was cheaper than doing real programmes.
 I remember thinking at the time that when I became head of Scotland's unified police service, after being knocked back  for the Met Commissioner gig, I'd copy Sergeant Dixon's example, standing beside the blue light of the station  although  you couldn't see it was blue obviously, because the world was in black and white then, and...where was I? Oh Yes, Dixon would say something wise and reassuring to the watching millions. So that's what I'll do."

It is thought, that Chief Constable House will appear on our screens every evening to declaim on the merits of a unified police service and how that's the way English and Wales should go, especially those bastards at The Met who blocked his rightful assent to the top gig. He told us:
"If England and Wales go for a unified service then its only right and proper that the service appoint a leader with a proven track record in running a unified command." 
At this point Mr House casually fanned himself with a newly-updated copy of his cv.

Mr House who has had no discernible connection with Scotland in the past, has assured The JT that he will not feel too home sick for England:" I've already been in touch with the network of English professionals who lead virtually every major Scottish institution and we'll be getting together every  Friday night on our way home: meeting up at  the domestic departure gate at Edinburgh waiting for the Heathrow flight to be called."

"Course, everyone know I should've got the top job at The Met, fackers carved me up didn't they? But don't you worry my sahn. Day comes when there's a unified service, I'll walk back into NSY and say :right you cahnts! Look whose back!"

Friday, 29 March 2013

Its this Easter Weekend

and the eternal paradoxical anxieties of Free Will endures: what's it to be? IKEA or B&Q?
What would Jesus do?

Thank you Jesus! And thanks as well to Thunder Bay Pete for the heid's  (in a  Mountie hat)  up.

Thursday, 28 March 2013

From The BBC, just before it went off air and all the lights went out...

New Cumnock has won this year's award for being the most dismal town in Scotland.

And lets not forget past winners in the post-apocalyptic wasteland category...

Sunday, 24 March 2013

Fromish BBC Scotlandish

First Minister Alex Salmond has said he wants to face Prime Minister David Cameron in a TV debate on Scottish independence. With the contest being decided over 5 rounds, best of three falls, a knockout or one submission.
The SNP leader was speaking on BBC One's Andrew Marr show from his party's conference in Inverness. He told The BBC: "I'm tired of Cameron, or Lord Snooty to use his ring name, telling grapple fans that I'm not good enough to fight for his title belt. He's a  cowardly, pantywaist nancy boy."

The electorate in Scotland will be asked to vote yes or no to independence in a referendum on 18 September 2014. The first of the televised catch-weight contests will be shown on Saturday afternoons, between the 2pm from Tadcaster and tractor racing from Taunton. 

Mr Salmond accepted there would be a number of TV showdowns, but he thought the first should be with Mr Cameron. When asked by interviewer Eddie Mair whether he would debate with pro-union head Alistair Darling, he said: "My first mark is David Cameron the Prime Minister. I fully intend to use my trade mark drop kick style and forearm smashes to knock him out of the ring where he will crash into Ken Walton's commentary position"

It is thought Mr Salmond's battle with Mr Darling will come later in the campaign, with Mr Darling deploying his trademark "eyebrows of mystery" tactic - seeking to hypnotise his opponent prior to hitting him over the head with a chair.

The fairer sex will be represented by Nicola Sturgeon reprising her classic character Suzi Quattro, complete with gold bomber jacket and leather trousers. 
She told The BBC: "Anyone who takes me on better know they've just bought a ticket to Devil Gate Drive"

A spokesmemberofthepublic told The JT: "I fully understand that the wrestling concept is being used to highlight the fact that we're looking at another 18 months of unrelieved  referendum-related tedium, but I would like the wrestling back to be honest. I mean it might have been fixed but at least it was entertaining."
Apparently, in her wrestling days, Nicola was known as "Gnasher", can't think why.

Saturday, 23 March 2013

HL Mencken

famously defined puritanism as:"The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, might be having a good time."
Meet someone who takes that as gospel... (Thanks to Highland Pete)
 From the PandJ, and not The Onion, although it should be...

Thursday, 21 March 2013


Councillors at Glasgow City Council will meet today to consider a short-list of new design ideas  for George Square in the city. 
Readers with not especially long memories will remember that the last short-list was torn up after Labour Leader Gordon Mathewson proclaimed to the know world that he was acting to reflect the democratic will of the people- who hud spoken so they hud, and pronounced  the then short-list of designs  to be pure pish so they wuhr. 
This wonderful act of democratic theatre was of course in no way inspired by the fact that Mr Mathewson had just lately been lifted by the polis after being found in a South Side car park looking for badgers with a young gentleman friend and didn't have the required distracting rabbit handy to pull out of the hat with declaiming ta da!
So let's here none of that kind of talk and instead enjoy what I would contend Mr Mathewson has in mind. I mean, look at it. Its fabulous!

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

May the bollocks be with you.

Wee Free spokesdogcollars trained their intellectual firepower on the Jedi this week, claiming that legislation allowing for same- sex marriage would open the floodgates to just anyone being able to conduct marriage ceremonies. 

The Reverend Angus I- Suppose- The- Possibility -Of - A Blowjob's- Not- on- the- Table- Then, told The JT: "Look at those nerds who say they're are Jedi.   This new legislation would allow them to conduct marriage ceremonies according to Jedi rites.They would be basically following the supposed teachings of a fictional construct with supernatural powers... Oh, hang on, I've got thought that one through."

And with that flash of blinding insight, the man of the cloth retired to rest and wait until normal, irrational thought processes were safely back in place. 
Professor Beaker  commented :" Its very important for religious people not  to attempt intellectual engagement with the rest of us. Such attempts can lead to being forced to think rationally for once, a need to reinforce the hypocrisy screens and may lead to outbreaks of highly-closeted gayness."

Monday, 18 March 2013

And in a completely

measured response to the 'tics protest group The Green Brigade turning up at Parkhead, Strathclyde Police introduce their own political movement: The Green Folding Stuff Brigade.

Sunday, 17 March 2013

See that BBC 5 live?

That is meant to be a UK-wide channel right? So, what case can be made for targeting/following one team in the 6 nations by broadcasting a week by week account of "Lancaster's England"?. 
This is a screen grab of the upcoming show  to be shown this coming Tuesday:

Sorry if its a bit  faint, but the body copy reads:
" Alastair Eykn goes behind the scenes with the England rugby camp as they prepared for their recent Six Nations match against Italy." 
Let's forgive the mixing of tenses for the moment and recall events in Cardiff a few hours ago.
And now lets think of a possible BBC 5 live defence. 
They could say: "We'd cover any team heading for a possible Grand Slam." OK, let's see what happens next year. 
They could say:
" England has by far the biggest demographic of any of the home nations, so we're only meeting our charter requirements by concentrating our feature content on England." 
Which I think is fair enough, and given that the show doesn't go out until Tuesday, there's still time to edit the body copy to bring the story arc up to date. Which is also fair enough...

Which reads:
 "And after England scrape a lucky win against Italy, we move on to Cardiff where Lancaster's team are handed their collective arse via a 30-3 gubbing."

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Oh dear, it begins again...

Yet another BBC Scotland weatherperson pregnant, and I don't mean Christopher Blanchett. Its Kirsty McCabe. The sordid evidence of past-strumpetty behaviour below...

Front-on, nothing to see here...

All too clear, the evidence of past sin...

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

And as

school students gather to debate voting changes for the upcoming referendum, their deliberations are disturbed by he unexpected appearance of an elderly lady...

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Headline (almost) from The Skintsman

NHS 24 urged to change bleeding patient protocol

 NHS 24 is is being urged to change the protocol with respect to bleeding patients, phoning up at all hours, moaning and complaining...

Sunday, 10 March 2013

The Clear Winner Of This Week's No Shit Sherlock Award!

Or do we mean this millennium's ?

Inside: Bonus nerd question: What was Palin's  character's job?

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Church Sex Scandal Latest- "deviant priest" found!

Two lovable, but unfortunately, fictional priests yesterday
As the allegations of sexual misconduct and abuse swirl around the Catholic Church in Scotland, senior Church figures were this week forced to reveal that a deviant priest had been found. 
The as yet unnamed cleric has confessed to not engaging in gay sex  or abusing children. "I'm not really interested in that kind of thing, I'd prefer a nice cup of tea and a bit of an auld pray."
Previously very critical of Father Ted and its portrayal of priests as likable simpletons, it is thought that the Church would now give a right arm for that kind of good PR.
Inside: By "deviant" I of course mean not adhering to a group norm. 

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Cough or perhaps splutter...

If I had a dirty mind, steeped in the mire of  ghastly frightfulness, I might think that The Skinstman hack responsible perhaps didn't fully  think through the  number of possible interpretations of the headline below. But  mercifully, my mind is purer than the driven snow.

Friday, 1 March 2013

We should be so "chastened"...

From The Guardian, but really any paper worth its salt should run this.
 Salient numbers in red.