Tuesday, 26 June 2012

As is only proper,

The JT is seen very much as a journal of record, a source of objective knowledge to be consulted on matter of great import-an accurate version of Wikipedia if you will.

For example, if you go to Google images and type in "Quebec Flag- Goon" your search results will feature a jpeg from The JT. Early doors, like first or second. 
And so it is with other matters of import. For another example, type the words "is Gillian Smart pregnant again?" into Google and up will come a pointer to a previous JT feature on the alarming proclivity of BBC Scotland's weather girls, including Gillian, to get up the duff in concert.
We can only speculate whether there's something in the water at BBC Scotland's HQ or all the weather girls really like the guy who brings in the morning rolls.
Whatever, as part of our continuing commitment to the public good, to the question "is Gillian Smart pregnant again?" , we present the following in evidence. Readers of a nervous disposition or those who harbour strangely complicated and unsettling feelings towards Gillian are advised to look away now.
Normal looking Gillian, nothing to concern us here.

But wait! Oh, no! Evidence of sin!

Saturday, 16 June 2012

Pick the logic out of this,

go on I dare you....
As the universe knows, Argyll and Bute Cooncil banned a kid from taking  photos of her school dinners and posting her opinions on the interweb. For reasons that may make sense in some alternate reality, council educational official banned her thus  employing censorship- a term we all understand right?
OK, so  ensuing shitstorm lashes said cooncil and the cooncil leader, Roddy McCuish, hurriedly reverses ban, i.e. he lifts the censorship, right?
Er, no, have a look at a statement produced by oor Roddy and see if you can make any sense of it. If this constitutes a carefully-crafted climb down dreamed up by the Council's PR people, then God knows what an off the cuff statement would read like. Enjoy the below and spend the rest of eternity trying to link the statement with any kind of real world:

"There's no place for censorship in Argyll and Bute council and there never has been and there never will be," he said, adding: "It's a good thing to do, to change your mind, and I've certainly done that."

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Let's look through the green window!

And what new term did we learn today children? 
That's right! Gratuitous Alienation! And where did we learn that new phrase? That's right! By reading a blog on Rangers' travails that we suspect might not be written by one given to spending their Saturdays buying a burger aff the van outside Ibrox. (Thanks to Brighton Joe fuhr the heids up)

"Rangers EBTs were a loan.  HMRC will tell recipients of this loan that their side letters (you better believe they’ll all find those side letters now) are not worth the paper they’re written on.  If the money was indeed a loan, a demand for repayment will be made.  If this is disputed, you can expect to hear the phrase Gratuitous Alienation to enter the lexicon soon.  Gratuitous Alienation is the Scots legal term describing when property (or cash) is transferred to another party without any, or adequate, consideration."
From: Celtic Quick News.http://www.celticquicknews.co.uk/

Google don't have a green one. Use your imagination.

Thursday, 7 June 2012

Fuckin' hell...

I'll tell you what.
 See if this whole politics gig goes tits-up for Gnasher, Nicola could do worse than hiring herself oot as a lookalikey for Helen- Bonham- Posh- Bird. 

OK, I know it would have to be a very specific take on a very specific role HBPB once essayed, but still, you can't say I don't try to help...

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

New report findings not new, old report finds...

According to a report published this week, Scotland's older universities fail potential students from poorer backgrounds by not letting them in.
This has all been covered before in the old JT. Evidence of the age of our report is evidenced by a reference to Paisley University, which has now been rebranded, as everyone knows, as The University of Poundlandia.

One in ten students at St.Andrews, "oiks", 
disturbing report finds.
Research published this week reveals that one in ten of St. Andrews University students are working class.
The findings are likely to spark a determined effort on the part of university authorities to address the situation . A spokesburser told The JT: "This situation can not be allowed to continue. I’ve already instructed staff to find the names of the working class students and they’ll be expelled forthwith."
Alone among the Scottish varsity community, St. Andrews has committed itself to an unique policy of social inclusion: "We take great care to ensure that the university’s intake reflect the make-up of the wider community, by that we mean the wider community of the Home Counties."
The report singles out Paisley University for successfully recruiting among the more disadvantaged although student retention remains a problem as the Buddie-based Principal now explains: "We tend to find that a lot of students from the schemes start on a Monday and vanish by the following Friday, usually accompanied by the entire PC complement of the Learning Labs going missing at the same time. Perhaps there’s a connection but I haven’t worked it out yet."
Inside: Typical St.Andrews student bemoans 
academic hardship. 
Skiing holidays to Gstaad
 cruelly limited to less fashionable early season jaunts.

Sunday, 3 June 2012

So, how's your Royal Jubilee weekend going?

I'm having a great time thanks to this recent purchase. Could you just give me a knock on the window when its all safely finished?