Tuesday, 30 October 2012


Look at this email I  just got, two minutes ago! Look at the price of a flight to New York! 
I'm definitely going to grab a flight to NYC!

Oh. Wait a minute. Er,I tell you what. Just forget I said anything...

Sunday, 28 October 2012

"The King Herod Home for vulnerable children"

OK, I know they didn't know it at the time, but as a sidebar to a story on the BBC website reporting that Savile's cottage in Glencoe had been vandalised, its also reported that the charitable trust that now owns the cottage had some plans for it, before all the horror of this deviant's "hobby" was revealed.  
The BBC report notes:"the cottage was to be sold earlier this year but the sale was halted by Savile's charitable trust, who announced plans to convert it into a respite centre for the disabled."
 Yeech. God knows history makes fools of us all, but talk about dodging  a bullet...

It might be better now just to demolish the old monster's Highland lair on purpose before the locals do it anyway. They have very long memories around Glencoe way, very long...

Inside: Anyway, enough of that man. Some time ago a mate of mine, of  a Macdonald sept, wrote into The Guardian on the perfidy of the Clan Campbell in general and of the then infamous Alastair Campbell in particular. Wullie, (for it was he), signed off by conceding that the family "do make good soup though."
Last year, your editor, responding to a largely laudatory account of the clan published, again in The Guardian, wrote in with  the following;"Did Angus Peter Campbell (The shame of the Campbells, G2, 13 February) give us the whole story of his clan's history or just the condensed version?"
And fuck me but the paper published the letter! Which makes it one out of about eleventy million.

Thursday, 25 October 2012

Xxnay on the resignay: From The BBC

A senior SNP MSP has urged two former colleagues to quit parliament, after they resigned from the party over its new policy of backing Nato membership.
Christine Grahame said John Finnie and Jean Urquhart, who now sit as independents, should leave Holyrood, under the SNP code of conduct. Party Leader, Alex Salmond, already faced with a majority now reduced to one, invited Ms Grahame to shut the fuck up already...

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

We're normally not at home here

to Mr Sad News, but we couldn't pass on marking the passing of Michael Marra at the nothing age of 60.
 The long term reader of The JT will remember that I've long argued that Hermless, Michael's tribute to the wee quiet men should be our national anthem. The compiler of the YT clip below obviously thinks so too. Time to start a petition perhaps. 
Bye Michael...

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

From The BBC

The UK Education secretary Michael Gove has apparently apologised to a teacher at Robert Gordon's for being a "clever dick" as a pupil. Ahem. Leaving aside the obvious retort, "so what's changed?" let us move on.

No apology is forthcoming from Michael however for his greatest crime against humanity: I refer of course to his face, the face one would never tire of punching. Seriously, my knuckles ache just looking at that face. 
Shame on you Michael for making my hand ache so.

Photograph accompanying the dictionary entry;"Face, dick."

Saturday, 20 October 2012

SNP: Scotland to stay in Nato, Tharggian High Command said to be shitting themselves.

Invasion of The Earth by the expansionary Tharggian Empire was called off today on the news that an independent Scotland would stay in Nato. 

A spokestentaclething for the Tharggian High Command told The JT via some telepathic-type device: "Even travelling at just below light speeds, our battle fleet wasn't due to arrive in Earth orbit until after the 4th deno quadsec, or 2014 in Earth time. But now we've heard the an independent Scotland intends staying inside a super-army like Nato- well, fuck that for a game of soldiers. We've cancelled the whole thing and we're going to rethink the whole galactic conquest idea. It might not actually be the best for us really."

Professor Beaker commented:" By voting to stay in Nato, the SNP have demonstrated their maturity in making a completely meaningless gesture in a world where Scotland is more likely to get invaded by a fellow Nato member than by some external threat.
I'm now taking bets as to when SNP high command display further maturity be deciding that Trident can remain in Scotland provided Alex gets to stand on a sub conning tower looking butch."
A Tharggian, shitting himself, yesterday.

Thursday, 18 October 2012

A Marmite moment

OK, so here's the thing. I know people who think this guy's work is just rotten and then there's people like me who think his stuff's really funny. Its likes Marmite, doesn't like Marmite, you decide.
On a personal note, we had an American friend once attempt to pronounce Stronaclachar.
Oh happy, happy days. Anyway, time to sample those malts... Sorry I can't do anything about the sizing...

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Quickly nurse! The screens! From today's Skintsman...

Scotland V Belgium: Craig Levein backs Scots 

to win in Brussels, then given tablet and 

sent for nice lie down...

Craig Levein says he has confidence in the Scotland squad
Craig Levein says he has confidence in the Scotland squad and in those nice men in  the white coats...

Inside: Of course, if we do sneak a win, we'll have every confidence in the manager...

Sunday, 14 October 2012

From The BBC:in-no-way-inappropriate historical analogy coming right up...

Ex SNP leader Gordon Wilson attacks gay marriage

Related Stories

A former SNP leader has attacked plans to introduce gay marriage, branding them "a step towards fascism".Gordon Wilson told The JT. "Gay marriage is a step towards fascism. Just look what happened in Nazi Germany with gay people getting special treatment what with them mincing about wearing pink badges to make them look special and they were the first to go on those long-stay breaks at the special holiday camps Hitler had set up."

Friday, 12 October 2012

Now then, now then....

Dear JT editor, could you fix it for me to read a piece first featured in the old JT back in July 2003 that pointed out the fairly obvious fact that, at the very least, Savile wasn't someone you'd want within a million miles of your kids and Mr Editor sir, could you make sure you throw in the bonus gag about Jack White?

John Paul’ll fix it!  "Howsabout that then?"etc. ad nauseam
"Moves to canonise a former Scottish factory girl have won the backing of veteran television presenter Sir Jimmy Savile" BBCNEWS OL, 12th July,2003.

"Good evenin’ guys ‘n’ gals and welcome again to my show, where yours truly, Supreme Pontiff, The Vicar of Christ and all that, attempt to fix it for the good people who write into the show.

I have here, in my hand, a letter from a young man, Jimmy Savile, and this is what he say :"Dear Pope, As a young boy, I was mortally ill, until my mother, The Duchess, as I called her, prayed for a divine intercession through the memory of Mary Sinclair.

Could you fix it for me to make Mary Sinclair a saint on account of how she saved my life, allowing me to grow up to entertain all the guys ‘n’ gals with my slightly sinister overly-friendly schtick that produced a vague sense of unease among viewers especially when I sat close to kids on my show what used to be on the telly, goodness gracious, howsabout that then, guys ‘n’ gals."

…and young Jimmy goes on for a bit more, guys ‘n’ gals, about the amount of work he’ll be doing for charity in the next month and provides a detailed timetable so camera crews can capture on film the quiet dedication of a man what does not like to make a big fuss about how he helps people…
Well, young Jim, I’ve had a word with the powers that be, as it were, and it turns out that saving a life through divine intercession is normally a supportive factor in the beatification process. But, bad news I’m afraid, it doesn’t count if the person whose life is saved, turns out to be a gimlet-eyed twat who creeps everyone out. So no can do, little Jimmy, but we will be sending you a Stylophone and a Spacehopper to make up for it…

Now then, now then, moving on. I have here another letter, this time, from a young man called Tony Blair who asks: "Dear Pope, Could you fix it for me so that people don’t think I’m lying my fuckin’ head off about WMD."

Now then, now then, young Tony, what do you think I am, a miracle worker?

Inside: Other Showbiz news! "White Stripes cancel T in The Park because Jack White’s broken a finger, making it impossible to play guitar.."  Wait a minute, since when has Jack White been able to play the guitar?

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

How Journalism works (sometimes)

One news organisation, but my, the walls between sections must be so high!

On the BBC England website a happy, fluffy-wuffy feature on English Northerners happily living and working in Scotland. Their number includes one Andrew Dickson, head of arts body, Creative Scotland.
 He tells the Beeb, (English varient): http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-tyne-19884400
"Working in Newcastle was an absolute dream but what you have here is access - today I've had meetings with three Scottish cabinet minsters.

"It's a small nation and one where politicians take an overview of everything that's happening.

"If you're sat in the North of England, Westminster seems a long way away - here it's a short walk of 10 minutes down the road to Holyrood."

Perhaps no space then to record the news, featured on the BBC Scotland website, that Mr Dixon's handling of the arts sector has triggered a critical letter from 100 prominent artists in Scotland. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-19880871

Anyway, nice to see him finding the time out of his busy schedule to make nice with the BBC.Even if it is just the English bit.

Inside: The English feature is actually about people from Newcastle, which reminds me of the old gag:"What do you  call a Scotsman with brain damage? A geordie."
Its the way I mackem!

Monday, 8 October 2012


In what can only be the most obvious explanation for his contribution to the abortion debate, sources close to Alex Neil confirmed that its probable that the porcine faced heath minister has in fact undergone a change of gender and grown a womb!
And, in a world first, scientists produce an MCP that actually looks like a P.

"Its the only possible explanation" an expert told The JT. "Here's a man  supposedly, with no medical qualifications or experience confidently mouthing off about reducing the time limit on abortions.Neil must have some credibility in making these statements so therefore we can only conclude that we now must start calling her  Alexa."

Friday, 5 October 2012

Smile and the world smiles with you...

"Its being so cheerful that keeps me going"

In a wide-ranging interview with The JT, ex-public audit tsar Robert Black raised doubts over the long-term viability of the Scottish government universal approach to benefits. 

Mr Black covered the issue of free bus passes for the over 60s but failed to address the real burning question: why is he so fuckin' hot?

 Mr Black, now in retirement, pursues his hobby as a male stripper as part of the  accountancy-themed"Double Entry" troupe who get the ladies hot and wet whenever they perform at hen-nights.
While acknowledging that the free prescription policy pursued by the current administration was popular, Mr Black questioned whether the expenditure could be justified given that current and future spending rounds were likely to be tight. 

Never mind the spending round, readers wanted to know what bits of Robert were really tight. Mr Black declined to comment on that issue but did confirm that he had to fight the bitches off with a shitty stick being so hot. Mr Black takes his career to a new level next year  when he debuts his stand-up comic routine.

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

What the fuck?

We normally apply a self-denying ordnance around here when it comes to reporting stuff from Near-Foreign- i.e. That England, but I just couldn't resist  this.
Below we see Labour leader Ed Miliband addressing the UK party conference in Manchester.

 Now, ignore the fact that the screen grab makes him look like he's enjoying being kissed in a very special and private way and check out the girl to his left. What the fuck is the design on her top? Two devils? Two cats? Perhaps the whole thing's been set up to distract attention away from the fact that Ed, whatever his many virtues,always looks and talks like the Head Boy wishing the headmaster a long and happy retirement on behalf of the whole school. 

Against the competition, provided by Ed, our own political class of now grown up school swots look positively well- hard. Anyway, if you can offer any additional i insight on what on earth this wumman's wearing, send us a postcard.

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Aberdeen man in touching tribute to humanity's endemic stupidity

Head in bin man William Middleton:

 'I was looking for my brain which was inside

 my head when it fell off'.

Man with head stuck in binWilliam Middleton was rescued by firefighters after being stuck in the bin for about 20 minutes, he was then taken to A and E where he was made to sit beside kids with kitchen pots stuck on their heads.