Friday, 12 October 2012

Now then, now then....

Dear JT editor, could you fix it for me to read a piece first featured in the old JT back in July 2003 that pointed out the fairly obvious fact that, at the very least, Savile wasn't someone you'd want within a million miles of your kids and Mr Editor sir, could you make sure you throw in the bonus gag about Jack White?

John Paul’ll fix it!  "Howsabout that then?"etc. ad nauseam
"Moves to canonise a former Scottish factory girl have won the backing of veteran television presenter Sir Jimmy Savile" BBCNEWS OL, 12th July,2003.

"Good evenin’ guys ‘n’ gals and welcome again to my show, where yours truly, Supreme Pontiff, The Vicar of Christ and all that, attempt to fix it for the good people who write into the show.

I have here, in my hand, a letter from a young man, Jimmy Savile, and this is what he say :"Dear Pope, As a young boy, I was mortally ill, until my mother, The Duchess, as I called her, prayed for a divine intercession through the memory of Mary Sinclair.

Could you fix it for me to make Mary Sinclair a saint on account of how she saved my life, allowing me to grow up to entertain all the guys ‘n’ gals with my slightly sinister overly-friendly schtick that produced a vague sense of unease among viewers especially when I sat close to kids on my show what used to be on the telly, goodness gracious, howsabout that then, guys ‘n’ gals."

…and young Jimmy goes on for a bit more, guys ‘n’ gals, about the amount of work he’ll be doing for charity in the next month and provides a detailed timetable so camera crews can capture on film the quiet dedication of a man what does not like to make a big fuss about how he helps people…
Well, young Jim, I’ve had a word with the powers that be, as it were, and it turns out that saving a life through divine intercession is normally a supportive factor in the beatification process. But, bad news I’m afraid, it doesn’t count if the person whose life is saved, turns out to be a gimlet-eyed twat who creeps everyone out. So no can do, little Jimmy, but we will be sending you a Stylophone and a Spacehopper to make up for it…

Now then, now then, moving on. I have here another letter, this time, from a young man called Tony Blair who asks: "Dear Pope, Could you fix it for me so that people don’t think I’m lying my fuckin’ head off about WMD."

Now then, now then, young Tony, what do you think I am, a miracle worker?

Inside: Other Showbiz news! "White Stripes cancel T in The Park because Jack White’s broken a finger, making it impossible to play guitar.."  Wait a minute, since when has Jack White been able to play the guitar?

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