Friday, 30 April 2010

"Absorption complete, absorption complete..."

If this story from today's Scotperson is to be taken at face value, then not only has Nicola The Space Alien successfully absorbed Alex's generously proportioned body into her own, she's also well on the way to successfully aping the facial characteristics of Janette Krankie.

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Doubts grow

within SNP circles over wisdom of attempt to have BBC election debate banned...

Monday, 26 April 2010

Heads down...

The news this week that Quo front-person Francis Rossi is buying into a Scotch Whisky firm gave me the excuse to dig the following gem out of the mine of goodness that is that YouTube. 
The marvellous mutant progeny of pairing The Barron Knights with Frank Zappa, I give you, ladees an' gennelmen, the late great Alberto Y Los Trios Paranoias.

Friday, 23 April 2010

Henry asks for £500m after consulting with his little friend...

Ex-Minister Henry McLeish reported on the first of a three-volume study of Scottish soccer this week.
At a SFA press conference, Mr McLeish  insisted that the youth game needed an investment of £500m. 
Mr McLeish told  the waiting media that he had arrived at that figure after consulting with Fenella The Fairy, a woodland sprite that only he can see. 

Cradling an invisible Fenella gently in his hands, Mr McLeish said : "Fenella reckons that an investment of  half a billion pounds will transform the youth game in Scotland; we must do as she commands."

SFA president George Peat thanked Mr McLeish for his work and requested he remain seated 'til the nice men in the white coats came to look after him.

You also know...

...that things are getting back to normal, when the Catholic Church in Scotland  embraces a previously  unheralded talent for ecumenicalism, by exhibiting the Jewish cultural norm known as chutzpah.

This exercise in brass ballness is traditionally illustrated by reference to the story of the Jewish guy appearing in  court found guilty of murdering his parents. He pleads for mercy on the grounds that he's just a poor orphan. See what he did there? Turning defence into attack? 

Now, given that The Church has been in the news for all the wrong reasons this past wee while, you'd think wouldn't you, that this might occasion a period of quiet, self-critical reflection on the part of the institution? A partial withdrawal from the public arena, if you will, to allow for some mature reassessment. 

Well you'd be wrong to think that. 

For the Church has been busy this week sending out questionnaires to all the Westminster candidates for Scottish seats, quizzing them on matters of faith and morality. Without going into tedious detail here, you can bet that the "right" answers to the items in the questionnaire will closely accord with Church teaching. 

Suffice to say there isn't a question on the sexual abuse of children, but, moving on...

On top of this exercise in brass ballness, the Church have out-chutzpah'd themselves, by subsequently complaining that three of the four main parties in Scotland have told The Church to go and fuck itself, not least because the questionnaires are not anonymous and The Church fully intends to publish the "results". 

The only exception, leaving the matter to "individual conscience", are the Nats.  Y-e-es. We'll see how that goes...

Anyway, since The Church is obviously really keen to see where individuals stand on burning moral issues, here's a few questions to ask of the clergy:

1. In your career as a priest did you ever come across an instance of child sexual abuse?

2. If yes to question 1, did you report the matter to the police?

3. Would you agree that aiding and abetting child abuse is a serous criminal offence and that where prima facie evidence of the offence having been committed exists, the  suspect should be arrested and charged?

3. If yes to Question 3, would you agree that no figure, secular or clerical, is above the law?

4. If yes to question 4, please sign the petition calling for the arrest and prosecution of the Pope.

5. Where are you going? Why are you running away?

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

You know...

...that things must be getting back to normal when a  BBC News sub-editor tags a report on the Scottish Lib-Dem manifesto launch like this:

Unless Tavish and Alistair were planning to pleasure each other at the press conference, the words "action" and "manifesto launch" aren't normally considered to be especially comfortable companions in the same sentence.


Monday, 19 April 2010

From The Herald

"Watchdog warns of 20% cut in public spending.
Cuts to public spending in Scotland could rise to 20% over the next few years if the economy fails to recover, a leading expert has warned."

Thursday, 15 April 2010

OK, what movie is this again?

Hacks the nation ower strained mightily last night to resist describing  Scotland's volcanic ash crisis as being like something out of a Hollywood blockbuster. Anxious Scots this morning were desperately scanning the skies for any sign of the dust - so they could immediately phone in to work citing the dust as the reason they were now headed back duvetwards.

The dust, emanating from an Icelandic volcano, is thought to be an act of revenge because we asked the Icelanders for our money back when their banking system collapsed.

Icelandic local Bjorg Madeupnamesdottir told The JT : "The volcano erupting is a sign that Skint, the Icelandic God of banking, is angry, but not as angry as the one you call Alex the Fat, whose highly-strung arc of prosperity metaphor went into the grubber last year when Iceland's and Ireland's economies went tits up." 

Hacks working at the nation's media outlets promised to desist from using highly hyperbolic metaphors to describe the current minor inconvenience but confirm that all bets would be off should Godzilla emerge out of the Forth at Granton.

As a precaution, Scotland's airports remain closed although an airport spokesdutyfree couldn't see what the fuss was all about : "We're used to clouds of smoky ash here, emanating from the fag shelters outside the terminal building."

Inside: Let's see Sally Magnusson try to talk her way out of this one...

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

From The Scotsperson...

Historic TV debate will be 'meaningless' to Scots – SNP
Published Date: 14 April 2010
By Eddie Barnes
Political Editor
ALEX Salmond has claimed there is little point in Scots watching tomorrow's historic TV debate between the three main UK party leaders, saying much of the event will be a "meaningless" exchange on English-only issues.

In addition, Mr Salmond pointed out, he won't be in the programme, rendering it completely without merit. It is thought that the viewing population of Scotland will now opt for one of two strategies, either, throw away their TVs since the number of programmes not featuring Mr Salmond vastly outnumber those that do, or, say "fuck off fat boy" and organise their own viewing plans.

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

In launching

Scottish Labour's election manifesto, Mr Murphy insisted he wasn't taking the electors for granted, saying: "In politics, nothing is for certain, and with a young family to support I consider it prudent to explore the options of a life outside politics."

Thursday, 8 April 2010

Wolf howling, man barking...

It's on the BBC Scotland news website so it must be true.

"A manager at a wildlife park where a wolf broke out from its enclosure said pet hamsters posed a greater threat to the public than the escapee.
The female escaped at the Highland Wildlife Park at Kincraig on Tuesday afternoon, but was recaptured.
Animal collections manager Douglas Richardson said public safety was never at risk.
He said: "There is so much mythology about how dangerous wolves are. Your average hamster is more dangerous." 

Top brain boxes contacted by The JT to verify this somewhat surprising assertion were understandably cautious. Rather invevitably, Professor Beaker, calling from wherever he's working this week, chipped in, saying: "One would have thought that oral and written folkloric traditions would've recorded Man's ancient fear of the hamster but we can find no such record. Perhaps the hamsters just ate the books."

There is from Eastern Europe, the fable of the boy who cried hamster once too often, but nothing bad happened to him in consequence so it didn't really matter. 

In Scotland, the last wild hamster was killed in 1720, when someone sat on it by mistake. Teams of tame hamsters did feature in Scotland's industrial past as our Professor now elucidates : "Before James Watt invented steam, hamsters would be used to run round and round inside giant wheels to grind corn to make things made of corn, but the last hamster-powered mill closed in 1860 and all records verifying its existence were lost in a mysterious fire, or something."

Animal behaviour experts do concede that hamsters found in the arctic tundra could pose a threat to humans. Operating in packs, it is conceivable that a team of hamsters could bring a human down and rip him to shreds over a period of some months, a process punctuated by the hamsters going for a kip or sitting stock still, staring into space, while ruminating.

Meantime, the park manager this week will demonstrate how safe wolves are by stepping into their enclosure naked and smeared all over with Bisto. Relatives will be informed afterwards and our hearts will go out to them at that tragic time etc.

Inside: No, wer'e not providing the punchline to the gag that starts "why do you wrap a hamster in sellotape?" Children might be watching.

Sunday, 4 April 2010

Words cannot express

 how grateful Iam to the recent  viewer of an old JT slide  show over on that You Tube
After viewing "Die Windsors", the viewer thoughtfully mailed to point out that Her Majesticness, Queen Brenda is half-Scottish. 

Thank you so much.

For reminding me just how brilliant Die Windsors is and prompting me to share with a new generation of JT readers its brilliantocity. May I also take this opportunity to invite anyone else who wishes to point out the factual shortcomings or otherwise of Die Windsors to please get in touch because I now fully intend to be looking to re-present the show as often as possible and the odd complaint is very useful in that regard.

I would especially welcome complaints that infer that I give a flying fuck about the national origins of some contemporary beneficiary of the barnacle-encrusted ancestor worship that so deforms our social and political culture. It's about class, not nationality.

Having got that off my chest, after perusing anew Die Windsors can I direct you to uniquely  rare footage of the White Heather Club dancers cutting a (tartan) rug to the groovy sounds of Dave Bazan?

No, I've no idea why either... 

Cardinal fully intends to rip Pope a new one

Cardinal Keith O'Brien will announce his attention today to rip the Pope a new one. 
The promise to radically reorganise the pontiff's excremental exit will come in a speech the Cardinal will make in the face of continuing criticism of the Church's role in raping kids. Cardinal O'Brien will make it quite clear that raping kids is wrong and people, including priests, are not to do that. Any more.

He will say that the scandals have left Scottish Catholics "demoralised and confused" because the bits in his brain that should describe the appropriate human reaction as "disgusted and apoplectic with rage" don't seem to work.

The attractively-costumed cleric will insist that anyone with knowledge of abuse is honour bound not to try to cover the fact up.Which will lead O'Brien to Rome and an appointment with the holy bottom. 

For the current Pope, when a Cardinal in Germany in 2001, specifically instructed clerics investigating child abuse that their findings were not to be shared with secular authorities.

Professor Beaker of St.Andrews' God Bothering Centre told The JT: "I can say without fear of contradiction that there's probably something in the bible about how pontiffs who collude in child abuse should have a new one ripped. I can't find the reference at the minute, but it will be there somewhere.Trust me."

It is thought that after  delivering the speech, O'Brien will fly to Rome to enact retribution aboard a giant flying pig, pausing only to promise the rest of us that he fully intends to stop lecturing the wider society on morality for the foreseeable future.

Inside: Dude, what's going on with this photograph? He looks like he's modelling clerical garb for a holy fashion shoot.