Hacks the nation ower strained mightily last night to resist describing Scotland's volcanic ash crisis as being like something out of a Hollywood blockbuster. Anxious Scots this morning were desperately scanning the skies for any sign of the dust - so they could immediately phone in to work citing the dust as the reason they were now headed back duvetwards.
The dust, emanating from an Icelandic volcano, is thought to be an act of revenge because we asked the Icelanders for our money back when their banking system collapsed.
Icelandic local Bjorg Madeupnamesdottir told The JT : "The volcano erupting is a sign that Skint, the Icelandic God of banking, is angry, but not as angry as the one you call Alex the Fat, whose highly-strung arc of prosperity metaphor went into the grubber last year when Iceland's and Ireland's economies went tits up."
Hacks working at the nation's media outlets promised to desist from using highly hyperbolic metaphors to describe the current minor inconvenience but confirm that all bets would be off should Godzilla emerge out of the Forth at Granton.
As a precaution, Scotland's airports remain closed although an airport spokesdutyfree couldn't see what the fuss was all about : "We're used to clouds of smoky ash here, emanating from the fag shelters outside the terminal building."
Inside: Let's see Sally Magnusson try to talk her way out of this one...