Tuesday, 29 March 2011

I know

its probably just me, but I think that Neymar, the Brazilian player at the centre of that banana incident at The Emirates, is the tonsorial  spit of the very wonderful but very thick Dewey Crowe, a character on Justified.

This is Neymar.

And this is Dewey.

Incidentally, I don't know if the facts about the banana throwing will ever be known, but I think the Brazilian support are to be applauded. I mean, on those very few occasions in the game when a Scottish boot touched the ball, the Brazilian fans refrained from throwing a haddie on the pitch. 
Top blokes.

Monday, 28 March 2011

And as

a third Tory candidate in the Holyrood election withdraws, concerns are growing that Scottish leader Annabel Goldie will need to radically revise her canvassing spiel.
"Can I count on your support for the Conservative candidate?"

"Would you like to be the Conservative candidate? Oh go on, please!"

Saturday, 26 March 2011

Speculation that

"For sure. Pies Iam enjoying, very much."
the Fat Finn, Mixu Pittalineoan ( slight Scottish inflection on the original Finnish spelling there) might be leaving Killie to manage the Finland national  team brought back to mind the following exchange I heard on one of those fitba phone in shows, back  in the days of yore. 

The following exchange occurred sometime between 1999 and 2002  or thereabouts, when the more than capable Antti Niemi, Finnish, kept goal for Hearts. 
The topic on the phone- in table, as it were, was the continuing drouth of decent Scottish goalies leading  one caller to interject with:
"Whit aboot Antti Niemi fuhr Scotland then?
The host off the show, bewilderment all too evident in his voice, replied:
"Er, but Antti Niemi is Finnish."
To which our brain of Gorgie Road replied in turn:
"Naw, he's no finished, he's turning oot fuhr The Herts every week."

We Scots invented the modern world you know.

Friday, 25 March 2011

Can I just say

hats off to Brazil's Lucas Leiva who told a BBC Scotland sports reporter that Sunday's friendly against Scotland was "very important for Brazil." 
To manage to make that statement without laughing out loud is really top class acting. Well done Lucas.

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

In these

cynical days its all too easy to decry Craig Levein's decision to give Scotland's squad, due to play Brazil in London, which is in England, at the weekend, an away week in La Manga, which is in Spain.
But who could deny the right of Scott Brown to dress up like a silly cunt to play golf? 
Well done Craig, a nation salutes you. 
Craig later told The JT: " The golf outing is just a way of encouraging the squad to bond by playing a non-collaborative sport that has fuck all to do with fitba. Tomorrow however the real work begins with Scott expected to lead the training drills dressed up like Coco The Fuckin' Clown."

Monday, 21 March 2011

Me? Bitter? Jealous?

The very idea.

Money raised for Iron Age gold treasure find

An Iron Age gold hoard found near Stirling by an amateur treasure hunter has been secured for the nation after a fundraising campaign.
The four neck ornaments - or torcs - were unearthed in a field by David Booth in September 2009.
Mr Booth will now receive a payment of £462,000 after National Museums Scotland secured the necessary funds.

Turn this:

Into this!

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Blood boffins benefit as new type of fund model enters market- but only after dark.

Top scientists at four Scottish universities announced this week that they're looking forward to an injection of fresh blood- quite literally! 
The boffins, all specialists in blood, have gained funding from government to develop artificial blood to be used in transfusions. 

Professor Beaker of Edinburgh's Department of Ooh that's a nasty cut isn't it? You'd better wash it under the cold tap Studies told the JT: "While the £2m is welcome we really needed the extra investment provided by a new funding model developed in Eastern Europe- the vampire fund." 

The extra money is provided on the understanding that the main investor, a Count Nosferatu, has first dibs on sampling the product and unlimited access to locally sourced, buxom virgins. 

Professor Beaker continued:
 "Allowing the Count to check the artificial blood product isn't a big technical problem, and I won't insult your readers' intelligence by recycling  the obvious gag about problems sourcing local buxom virgins." 

It is thought he Count represents a long line of similar investment patrons stretching back to the first : Vlad The Investor.

Mr Nosferatu "just popping upstairs to check on the virgins."

Monday, 14 March 2011

From The BBC, again, again

So, tell me Annabel, while enjoying a walking holiday, just how important is the choice of footwear in terms of overall comfort?

Friday, 11 March 2011

Happy to help

Head coach, Mordor 1st 15
Satan's Satrap, General Commanding All The White Shirted Orcs  or, as Our Friends In The South would have it: England's national rugby coach Martin Johnson, has warned his new try scoring machine, Chris Ashton, to cut out his trade-mark swallow dive as he grounds  a try, as this grandstanding risks injury. 
Here's a previous instance of Chris engaging in said risky behaviour:

Ooh goodness! Isn't that awfully risky looking? 
Thankfully, in the face of a probable up-coming  uber-gubbing at  That Twickenhamsources close to the Scottish team are working to ensure that if Chris does insist in making a swallow dive on first scoring against us, then, rest assured,he won't be doing that again, ever...

Happy to help Martin, just happy to help.

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

From The BBC

Old Firm unite over anti-bigotry plan after summit.

Following talks over fitba' fighting, representatives from both sides of the Old Firm told The JT:
 " We were,and remain united in courageously and consistently blaming the other lot for anything bad that happens." 

Friday, 4 March 2011

And following

the headline on The Herald's  website reporting demands for an alcohol ban at Old Firm games (whit?), there are likely to be further calls, to ban the copy editors at the rag from drinking before they input headlines on to The Herald site...

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

UN in crisis talks.

And as the world reels back in horror at the chronic and systemic levels of violence seen on TV, the UN has gone into special session. It is thought that Colonel Gaddafi will be asked to mediate as attempts to have a really good rammie are constantly interrupted by sporadic and intermittent  outbreaks of  fitbawness.