Tuesday, 30 March 2010


...who has ever walked 'round St.Andrews during the university year has probably met this person. 

When  I say "met", I mean been blessed to stand in the same queue in a St.Andrews shop while being regaled (along with the rest of the queue) at fog-horn volume with the fascinating news that fuckface's gap year was "rahhly rahhly great". 
I say "person", but I really mean the sort of annoying walking, braying archetype-made-flesh that makes you regret the passing of open, hate-filled class warfare. 

You know, the warfare with pitchforks, scythes and lots of rope...

Amongst those apparently very few non-rah types at St.Andrews, a collectivity of these creatures is known as a twat.

Presumably the litmus test in St.Andrews of your class origins is whether you watch this clip and think; "what a cutting piece of social satire" or "Oh my God, aren't documentaries just so cool?"

BTW, if you do think this clip is documentary then would you please just fuck right off? 

Thank you.

Friday, 26 March 2010

What a way to spend Easter...

The ousted Celtic management team of Mowbray, Venus and Grant are expected to spend Easter in a  reflective mood, just hanging about really...

Inside: What with all the current scandal over child-abuse within the Catholic Church and The  Vatican responding with "Its all a media stitch up", one is drawn to seek comfort from the Good Book. I refer of course to the archives of this Good Book: http://www.theonion.com/articles/pope-forgives-molested-children,101/

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

I'm shocked, shocked...

To slightly paraphrase Captain Renault's reaction on "discovering" that gambling was going on in Rick's Place can I just echo the sentiment:that I'm shocked by the kind of stuff people circulate on the interweb.
 Like this below dear reader, sent by an English friend of mine and titled : "Confucius say, if you are in a bookstore and can't find the book for which you search, then you're obviously in the":

I'm sure, dear reader, that you, like me instantly recognise that the implied comic effect derives solely from the juxtaposition of a question posed in English and the store sign transcribed from Chinese.

This is an example of the kind of thing that's all too prevalent  today as is illustrated by the instance below - an image not dissimilar to one that appeared some time ago in The, er, uhm, Jaggy Thistle, now that come to think of it.

Listen, just forget I said anything.....

Monday, 22 March 2010

From The BBC

Woman smuggled into Trident base
A Marine is facing disciplinary action after smuggling a woman into the home of Britain's Trident submarine fleet in the boot of his car.
It is understood that he was caught with the woman as he escorted her out of the high-security base at Faslane.
Gate security became suspicious when the woman was spotted carrying a Tomahawk cruise missile. She explained that she needed a new focal point for her garden  because recent high winds had blown over the birdbath.
It is thought that the woman concerned intended to position the multi-warhead nuclear weapon in an upright position and use it as an attractive conversation piece festooned with hanging baskets and the like.

Saturday, 20 March 2010

Er, whit?

Fully aware that I'm laying myself open to a well-deserved, pot/kettle/black charge I still  can't let this go by. 
According to the BBC Scotland news website (so it must be true) SNP supremo Alex Salmond has described a possibly hung parliament at Westminster as "redolent with opportunity". 

Sorry, whit?

As far as I know the word redolent has 3 meanings - suggestive, strongly scented or fragrant. So is Alex saying the prospect of a hung parliament is a bit pongy? He might conceivably mean that the situation is pregnant with opportunity.

He has got form with this type of bollocks tho'. Exactly like the embarrassing uncle who tries to get down with kids by using expressions he only half-understands Alex has been talking about anger over political  expenses as symptomatic of "rage against the machine". What is he on about? Has he ever listened to the band?
Fuck off...

And just to make sure he's got all the cliche bases covered, of the SNP need to win 20 seats at Westminster is described by Alex as " a big ask". 

A big arse more like.

Inside: If you need a daily fix of an embarrassing uncle sans pareil  can I suggest you tune into Tom Morton's show on BBC Radio Scotland. That fucker has got embarrassing uncle nailed, big time.

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Sturgeon to be urged not to listen to the voices:the ones in her head

Health Secretary, half-human, half-fish and freak-you-right-out-space-alien Nicola Sturgeon will be rushed to hospital later today, boffins predict. 

It is thought that the lifetime president of the Suzi Quatro Lookylikey Club will succumb to what psychologists term cognitive dissonance - the acute feeling of anxiety felt by a person holding two contradictory ideas in their head at once.

The unease will be triggered when the head of booze makers Whyte & Mackay  confirm that jobs in the Scottish-based industry will be lost only if the minimum pricing plan for dizzyade is adopted UK wide.

Professor Beaker, pausing only to refresh his morning coffee with the special "water" he keeps hidden in his desk, told The JT: "On the one hand, Nicola would love to be lauded as the power behind a pricing policy to be copied elsewhere in the UK, but, on the other hand, if demand falls UK-wide then many hundreds of alcohol-related jobs in Scotland will go. If God forbid, the plan was adopted elsewhere in Europe, then demands for the bulk-alcohol product that constitutes most of the "whisky" industry's trade will also fall further. Nicola would be shot, buried, dug up and shot again."

It is thought that when the cognitive dissonance really kicks in that Nicola's head will start to spin round and round, with all sparks and smoke coming out before finally exploding, showering colleagues with transistorised technology from the future.


Tuesday, 16 March 2010

I'm sorry but...

nothing I could write could possibly improve on this news item from The BBC...

"Man assaulted officer with penis
A man who assaulted a female police officer with his penis has been fined.
Marium Varinauskas, 28, tried to strike the officer on the head with his penis when she was called out to his flat, but she got out of the way.
Lithuanian Varinauskas admitted a charge of assault at Aberdeen Sheriff Court and was fined £600.
The court heard he had been drinking heavily and could not remember committing the offence at his home in Aberdeen."

Sunday, 14 March 2010

Okay, now this is just plain WRONG

Thanks, (if that's the right word), to Thunder Bay Pete for headupping (if such a phrase exists) on the below. 
There are, dear reader, as you know, two main meanings of the word "awesome". One is like, "whoa, awesome", the other "this is scaring me." 

Take a wild guess which meaning jumps into your head when confronted  with this weirdness. 

I note from this clip's YT page that it's had over 2m hits. Just what the world needs, 2m people who will never sleep again.

Pete asks, what's on the guy's head? I ask, what's in the guy's head?

Form an orderly queue ladies...

I must lead an extremely sheltered life, because  until The Sunday Herald told me so, I've never knew that this man was a self-confessed "sex addict".

I know that I should be much more morally exercised over the fact that the stud in  question, Lord Laidlaw, gives money to the Tories when he shouldn't but look, I'm sorry the idea that his guy is a sex addict is doing my fucking head in.
I mean, where does he go to pick up women? The Lucy Clayton School for Blind Girls?

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

Reduce, re-use, recycle and re-invoice

In a world embittered by cynicism, The JT, as you, dear reader knows, stands four square against such negativity, looking instead for the best in people, marvelling anew every day at the creativity of the human intellect in finding new paths to walk down, fresh vistas to appreciate and very long opening sentences to construct.

My eye was drawn to a feature in The Herald  reporting  that the very wonderful logo designed for the upcoming Weegiewurld Commonwealth games bore an uncanny similarity to a logo designed some time ago for a different client by the same firm of designers.

It has come to a pretty pass, when designers, quite possibly, maybe, leading in the fight for the environment by assiduously recycling old logos are in receipt of pelters.

In any case, let us consider the two designs and make our own judgement.

First up, the Commonwealth Games logo:

And now the logo done, by the same agency, for arts mob "The Common Guild" back in 2006:

They are quite clearly quite different. Wan's in colour, and the other wan isnae.

Sunday, 7 March 2010

See what they did there?

Today's Sunday Herald leads with the story that (ahem)  "exhausted" "exlabourleader" and "excouncillor" Steve Purcell apparently  enjoyed the odd half-kilo of charlie from time to all the time.
The follow up piece, detailing the timeline that led to the guy's downfall, is headlined "Purcell:the end of the line."

Friday, 5 March 2010

You're feeling stupid, very, very stupid...

News, fans of the mental, that celeb hypnotist Paul McKenna has trousered £20K to address Weegiewurld's unemployed. The idea apparently is that Paul will motivate the assembled jobless into immediately getting a job, or something.

The money for Paul's fee is being provided by Skills Development Scotland, a government agency. 

Contacted by The JT, the civil servant responsible for giving McKenna the gig said : "I don't know what happened. I was talking to Paul's agent, saying that we wouldn't dream of funding something as superficial as that, with no means of measuring the impact, and then Paul started talking directly to me and then every went hazy and then I woke up having just written Paul a cheque for £20K".

Mr McKenna's website reports that he can help clients with weight loss. I wonder, is there anyone he could help while in Scotland?

Anyone, anyone at all you can think of.

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Purcell resigns and a world says "Yeh, whatever dude"

Under-stress Glasgow City Council leader Steven Purcell resigned his post this week, citing exhaustion as the reason, and immediately put the  media handling of his decision in the hands of his lawyers and a PR agency. 

"Its important " said one of the spokespokes handling the news "that a waiting world are made aware of Steven's momentous decision through the careful management of the news that er, Steven has  resigned".

Mr Purcell's lawyer immediately issued a statement that read :" I can confirm that Mr Purcell is still no feeling very well and I will be issuing  further statements reiterating this fact over and over again until such time as my client starts to not feel no very well."

Across the known world, people reacted with astonishment at the news- the news that some minor regional apparatchik thought his resignation was news and required (ahem) "management".

Professor Beaker of Edinburgh's School of No Feeling Very Well Studies told The JT: " The next few weeks will be crucial in establishing exactly what kind of exhaustion Mr Purcell is suffering from.
 Boffins like me have identified two main types. There's  exhaustion as in: 'I've just worked a ten-hour shift in A and E and I'm exhausted' and then there's 'I've just necked a shitload of _________( term removed on legal advice) and I did some ________ (ditto) about an hour ago and now I'm completely off my face with exhaustion'."

Naturally of course, it will be found that Mr Purcell is exhausted in the first sense and definitely not in the second sense.
Oh dear me, no.