Health Secretary, half-human, half-fish and freak-you-right-out-space-alien Nicola Sturgeon will be rushed to hospital later today, boffins predict. It is thought that the lifetime president of the Suzi Quatro Lookylikey Club will succumb to what psychologists term cognitive dissonance - the acute feeling of anxiety felt by a person holding two contradictory ideas in their head at once.
The unease will be triggered when the head of booze makers Whyte & Mackay confirm that jobs in the Scottish-based industry will be lost only if the minimum pricing plan for dizzyade is adopted UK wide.
Professor Beaker, pausing only to refresh his morning coffee with the special "water" he keeps hidden in his desk, told The JT: "On the one hand, Nicola would love to be lauded as the power behind a pricing policy to be copied elsewhere in the UK, but, on the other hand, if demand falls UK-wide then many hundreds of alcohol-related jobs in Scotland will go. If God forbid, the plan was adopted elsewhere in Europe, then demands for the bulk-alcohol product that constitutes most of the "whisky" industry's trade will also fall further. Nicola would be shot, buried, dug up and shot again."
It is thought that when the cognitive dissonance really kicks in that Nicola's head will start to spin round and round, with all sparks and smoke coming out before finally exploding, showering colleagues with transistorised technology from the future.
Cool.
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