Friday, 31 August 2012

"Dear editor (again)

could you show us a picture of Mac The Horse eating a polo mint on the trail of The Seven Lochs just outside Inverness. 
Also, could you make sure that the photo was taken by Katie Yuill and was in BBC Scotland's Readers Pictures feature. Thanks."
Whew, another tall order! But here you go...

Not a polo pony unfortunately, that would've been an irony doubler.

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

"Dear editor

how about showing a clip of a band doing a cover of The Heads' This must be the place played on Chinese traditional instruments in someone's kitchen? And, the band must be called Matteo as well..." 
Whoo, tough one, but here you go!

Saturday, 25 August 2012

From The BBC

Streets in Glasgow are to be closed over the weekend to allow filming of high-speed stunt driving to take place.
 The footage is being shot as part of the production of the long running Fast and Furious franchise, starring Vin Diesel. 
The latest installment, Fast and fae Fife, Ken, follows Diesel's character on a high-speed, octane filled Saturday afternoon  visit to Kircaldy's B and Q. Stunt-drivers working on the production insisted on filming location shots outside Fife after viewing footage of Fife's famous drivers in action. One stunt driver told The JT:" Apparently in Fife, your average driver goes on to the local Knockhill track and then slows down."
Diesel's character aff tae get white emulsion, ae?

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

On the one hand,there's the BBC

reporting the sweet and innocent news that Olympic star Jessica Ennis is to feature on the cover of The Beano comic.
And then, on the other hand, there's this letterbocks from the current edition of The Viz comic.
"When the Olympics have finished, does anyone know what BP are going to do with all those lifesize laminated cut-outs of Jessica Ennis? Just out of interest."

Men are such beasts.

Thursday, 16 August 2012

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

♫"We'll keep a reinforced nuclear silo in the hillsides"♫

According to The Hardup, Wales has joined other sites in England in offering to host the UK's Trident sub fleet should Scotland go independent. 
Professor Beaker, speaking from a reinforced nuclear bunker somewhere near Cardiff, told The JT:" Relocating the Trident fleet to somewhere in Wales, preferably a coastal site, would considerably amp up the stakes in event of a nuclear war. Major centres of Western Civilization could be put at risk. Oh, and Wales  might get hit as well..."

It is thought that the Royal Navy would base their "A" Class nuclear subs at a yet to be named Welsh location. 
Bidding farewell to Faslane would be the crews of The Aground,  The Ah, Shit We've Hit Another Rock , Again and The Arsed it Right Up.
More controversially, RN sources have cast doubt on the viability of relocating the fleet, telling The JT: " Given the cost of resiting the fleet it, might be better just to get rid of Trident and find some other ways of handing large sums of money every fuckin' year to the US (ahem) "defense" industry".
 A Whitehall mandarin pausing only to stroke his long thin moustache thing commented:"Apart from the physical costs of moving a multi-billion pound waste of money, just think of the cost of printing all that extra new letterhead for the new base, especially if they decided on this location:"

Sunday, 12 August 2012

One of the many

current Mars gags. No idea who came up with this one, but well done whoever, whatever, you are... 

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

"Cor! Look at the the weird modernist tits on that!" etc.

Officials at Edinburgh airport first banned and then unbanned a poster advertising a modern art exhibition in the city. Following complaints from passengers, the airport bigwings covered up the lady's bits.
One passenger told a frankly not-even-there- JT :" When travelling by air, I don't want to see a woman's tits and ladygarden., I get enough of that at home, which is why I'm getting on a plane."

In the past, a poster of the Mona Lisa promoting The Maestro's work had to be covered up with a pair of ray-bans after a passenger complained that the eyes were following him all around the terminal.

Inside: I can't remember his name, but one of the Viz artists was filmed 
sketching a cubist comic rendering of a nude lady and remarking "Phwoaar! look at the square tits on that!"

Sunday, 5 August 2012

Boyle to revisit old movie

8th July 2012

 Danny Boyle plans to remake 28 Days Later...but this time with a happier ending.

5th August 2012