Monday, 31 October 2011

From The Scotsperson, sort of

Scarlett goes cruising in Glasgow
Published on Saturday 29 October 2011 22:08

GLASGOW shoppers did a double take yesterday when they spotted Hollywood star Scarlett Johansson cruising around in her now trademark white transit van.Shooting scenes for her sci-fi alien horror film Under the Skin, the 26-year-old (pictured) and her FilmNation crew did their best to blend in with the city crowds.
What shoppers didn't know was that the film shoot is an elaborate cover story to conceal the real reason for Johansson's visit - to exploit  Scotland's elderly.
A movie insider told The JT: "Between takes, Scarlett is always driving off in her van, cruising the area's housing estates looking for OAPS to scam." 
It is said that when Ms Johansson spots a car with a disabled sticker on it in a driveway, she will try to persuade the usually elderly home owner that they have loose roof slates needing fixing or some other scam. 
Effie McGeriatric told The JT: "You can imagine my surprise when I opened the door to find the star of Lost in Translation there offering to tar our driveway cheap for cash because she had a spare ton left over from another job." 
Police are warning elderly residents to be suspicious of Hollywood A-listers impersonating utility company staff in an attempt to gain access to the home. A spokeshelmet commented : "When Brad Pitt was in Glasgow filming  his zombie movie we had reports of him going door to door between takes, in a boiler suit, claiming to be there to read the gas meter. One elderly resident  remarked: "He was awfie plausible, I had him in to read the gas meter and ahm aw electric."

Scarlett "Strictly cash only" Johansson

Inside: With apologies to Mrs Brady and Elton John.And David Furnish.

Saturday, 29 October 2011

"Can fuckin' Alex Salmond do this?Well,can he? Can he?"

Iain Gray, outgoing Labour leader in Scotland, used the platform of a special hustings conference to dedicate the future leader to "saving devolution".

On concluding his speech, Mr Gray entertained delegates with his extensive range of children's party favourites remarking :"Fuckin' Salmond cannae dae this, kinnee? Prick."

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

As you know

reader dear, I never pass up the opportunity to be shocked, really shocked, on your behalf. Honestly, the filth I get sent and I'm expected to re-post, willy and indeed nilly.
Seriously, thanks to Our Man In The Frozen North,Thunder Bay Pete for sharing the below. 
I knew winters in N.Ont were long but even so... (Apologies, as the actress no doubt said to the bishop, if it's a bit squint...)

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

and in

his statement to The Commons, Dr Fox laid the blame for his resignation at the feet of what he described as "a vindictive media." 

Friday, 14 October 2011

Is your tea oot?

With boundary changes promising some very entertaining political fratricide to come, we ask the MPs- is your tea oot?

A Mr D.Alexander from Paisley and Renfrewshire South says:"Based on the reworking of the boundaries it looks like I'm fucked with a double-helping of fucked-upness on top. Looks like I'll be shifting to a senior role in a large Scottish voluntary organisation that exists solely to provide soft landings for ex-politicians."
Another D.Alexander, this time from somewhere in the frozen north says: " Bollocks. It looks like I'll have to fight my cousin in gingerness, Charles Kennedy, for  dibbs on one remaining seat. By the time the election come around in 2015, the Westminster Coalition will be reduced to feeding new born babies into a furnace to keep the bankers warm and I'll have to explain to my torn-faced in-bred constituents why this is a good thing. I'm so fucked.
 I wonder if there are any jobs going in that tree protection outfit I used to write the occasional press release for?"
A Mr C.Kennedy, also from up north says: " Sorry, what?"
A Mr D.Mundell from Dumfries and Galloway writes:" Speaking as the only Tory MP in Scotland I'd just like to say thank you and goodnight."

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Go on, admit it, you thought so too...

Again addressing that JT cohort just back from Mars and/or living in real Foreign, not England Foreign, you might have missed the  recent disquiet surrounding East-Kilbride born Defence Minister Liam Fox and his long-term friend Adam Werritty.
 I don't want to rehearse the detail here, that's what the web's for, but there is some question about Fox 's relationship with the guy and access to sensitive government material, possible misrepresentation and financial gain, yadda, yadda and indeed yadda.
Needless to say, we're much more interested in the prurient mileage to be had in reviewing media coverage of the matter.

Back last week, the story broke, and my eye was caught by the photograph that it has turned out has subsequently topped or tail most  reporting on the story . You know the one, (or variants thereof):

I swear to Christ, on seeing the photograph prior to reading the story my first reaction was "Fucking hell! I didn't know Liam Fox was gay!". Which of course, lets make this very clear, he very definitely isn't. 
The photograph above doesn't in fact record a Mr and Mr civil partnership ceremony as I, and the rest of the known universe, initially surmised. 
No, the above records the happy day when Mr Werritty acted as best man at the wedding of  Dr Fox to a lady. So that's clear then. What's less clear is why I can't find wedding days snaps where said lady does feature. Perhaps these other pics aren't in the public domain or she was away having a smoke outside. Anyway, moving on...

What's interesting about this pic and other variants is the ubiquity of its use in the papers. A by no means exhaustive list shows the image being  used time and again in The Daily Mail, The Telegraph and The Daily Express, (ahem) "newspapers" usually thought to act in the Conservative interest and least likely to feature,cough, images featuring a senior Tory politician that might be subject to more than one interpretation. Strange days indeed.
Of course there's been a lot of interwebular gossip concerning Dr Fox's preferences, but what hasn't been under dispute is the guy's previous as an unreconstructed Thatcherite. In fact he happily had the sainted Maggie along to a recent party, so no problems with being seen as the nasty party there then.
A million years ago, Anthony Barnett wrote a book about The Falklands War contextualised as part of the cultural apparatus of Thatcherism. He referred in particular to a   famous shot of Maggie, dressed up as a tank commander, sticking her head out of an army tank. He remarked at the time that a male politician would never have got away with that pose because he would've looked totally camp... Y-e-s. 
Have a look at his shot of our Liam, and bear in mind that Liam is a medical doctor, professionally and supposedly  personally committed to the welfare of fellow human beings. Could this setup be any camper or more horrible?

Monday, 10 October 2011

Police show "admirable restraint", it says here...

"Oi! Girlie! Step away from the ice cream now!"
A Glasgow man has received a warning after being caught flagrantly taking a photograph of his daughter in a shopping centre. Police from Strathclyde's crack Counter Terrorism ( Taking Photographs) Unit were called to the city's Braehead Shopping centre to investigate.

A spokesplodmp5 for the unit told The JT:" In giving this man a talking to, the unit acted with commendable restraint. We could've ended up looking like complete wankers, which mercifully we haven't. Not at all. Ordinarily, in these circumstances we would have implemented our SOP with respect to suspicious activity- the controlled explosion of everyone in a ten mile radius."
Professor Beaker of Stirling's Centre For The Study Of Everything commented:" It is heartening to know that in these times of heightened international tension that the Braehead Centre security staff and the police can act so swiftly and effectively to really fuck up someone's day. Well done everyone."

Friday, 7 October 2011

As you know, dear reader

because I've repeated myself often enough, I'm not one to intrude on private grief, even when it's on very public display. 
If you've been on Mars for the last few days  you may have missed the news that Wayne Rooney pere has been helping the Liverpool bizzies with their enquiries relating to certain (ahem) irregularities surrounding  betting on a Motherwell/Hearts game last season. Wayne Senior, Dad of the spud-faced striker was pictured entering court the other day. Here he is:                                                                  

Leaving to one side the rather obvious observation that the gentleman featured is unlikely to feature as the subject of an oil painting any time soon, (unless Edvard Munch reappears from the other side), it is crystal clear that Paw Rooney is missing a trick. 
In the manner of the Victorians who reckoned you could spot a criminal face, I would confidently put forward Mr Rooney's coupon anytime the OED wishes to illustrate the dictionary's definition of scally, in turn, usefully linking to the terms scrote, snide and going on the rob.                                                                                                                                   

Thursday, 6 October 2011

I'm sure there's a moral

buried away in this story from That BBC Scotland but I can't be bothered looking for it.
Instead, we read:                                                                     

And of course we then immediately try to access this eaterie's website,only to find:

Wednesday, 5 October 2011


for that admittedly vanishingly small, Breaking Bad/Half Life/Jaggy Thistle crossover demographic...

Inside: I'm looking for a non red-ring of death X Box 360 if you're throwing one out, y'all.

Saturday, 1 October 2011

Hang on, this must be some kind of mistake.

Same story: private school roll levels in Scotland. Two national newspapers, headlines spinning in opposite directions.
How can this be? I mean its almost like there's the truth, which is like, out there, and then there are interpretations of the truth in the media. No, I must've got that wrong. Right?
From The Hardup:

And from The Skintsman: