Thursday, 29 July 2010

Braga 3 Celtic 0: "I can explain" says Neil

As Celtic's hopes of a European run  in the coming term hang on the shoogliest of pegs, soon-to-be-under-fire 'tic manager Neil Lennon was quick to find a reason for his team's drubbing at the hands of Braga.

He told The JT :" What  it was, was, your Braga weren't sufficiently Celtic-minded enough to roll over and let us win. The problem was that Braga were, in contrast, far too Braga-minded resulting in them winning.So they were"
It is thought that Neil Lennon is  consoling himself with one thought: at least David James wasn't in goal. 
Meanwhile, Neil continues to entertain the fans with his amusing series: "Which DC Thomson comic character am I?"

Neil "Oor Wullie" Lennon, yesterday.

Saturday, 24 July 2010


Highland Pete, a good friend to The JT, helpfully sent the link to an Uncyclopedia page ripping the absolute piss out of Inverness.

I'm now hopelessly conflicted because, on the one hand I think its very funny and should be shared, while on the other hand I'm dead jealous and hope the author contracts a painful disease that effects their writing/typing hand.
Fuck it anyway.

Thursday, 22 July 2010

JT Exclusive! We reveal funding source of 'tic's bid for Calamity!

With speculation growing that free agent and goalkeeper impersonator David "Calamity" James might be on his way to Parkhead, The JT can reveal the source of Celtic's funding for the deal.

Celtic boss Neil "nice and Tim" Lennon told The JT: "I came in the other morning to find an envelope postmarked Govan filled with £50 notes. There was no return address but a post-it stuck to the bundle of money." 

The post-it read "Here's money to buy a really great goalie, someone like David James for example. Regards, Walter.
PS: remember, buy David James." 

Neil continued "It's a real mystery so it is. Why would someone called Walter who posted the letter in Govan send us money to influence such a key spending decision, likely to crucially impinge on Celtic's Premier League campaign next season? 
Sorry, I've just realised, I've used the word "impinge" in a sentence without really knowing what it means."

It is thought that the mystery benefactor is in no way connected with Rangers FC which, as things stand, will be reduced to fielding an unusual attacking line-up next term made up of 3 men and a dog. With the dog brought in on a free.

Inside: David's top goalkeeping tip: "(1) Prepare to move quickly to cover and block shooting opportunities (2) Let in an  absolute trundler (3) Prepare to scream abuse at your blameless full-back."

Monday, 12 July 2010

What do you call a guy

who hangs around with musicians?

If like me, dear reader, your answer to that query was "the drummer", then, again like me, it's likely you are unschooled in matters jazzular.

Below is a short introduction to the work of one Louie Bellson. 

Never, in the history of humankind, have paras been so comprehensively diddled. (Thanks to Paul)

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Oh, Canada. Again

I promise not to make this a habit. Christ knows, there are blogs enough on the interweb that assume the rest of us care about the writers' holiday.

Enough with the travelogues already.

However... this is just such a great gag.

My niece works in a bistro in Montreal and the bistro's lunch trade benefits from local Jewish matriarchs who are, not to put too fine a point on it, of a certain age and a tad picky.
In other words they tend to find reasons to ask for a reduced bill. 
Enter my niece's waiter buddy, who is, mercifully also Jewish, and (a) knows a scam when he sees it and (b) gets away with it 'cause he's a nice Jewish boy. 

"Get's away with it" as in breezing up to a table of the aforementioned scammers and asking: 

"So, ladies! Anything OK here?"

Oi, such a nice boy...

Thursday, 1 July 2010

I'm in Canada eh?

visiting friends and relatives, but don't worry. 
For the little matter of making le vacances won't deter me from sharing one further attempt to allow our English cousins to achieve closure after (ahem) "recent unfortunate events". 

Thanks to Iain for this...