Thursday, 22 July 2010

JT Exclusive! We reveal funding source of 'tic's bid for Calamity!

With speculation growing that free agent and goalkeeper impersonator David "Calamity" James might be on his way to Parkhead, The JT can reveal the source of Celtic's funding for the deal.

Celtic boss Neil "nice and Tim" Lennon told The JT: "I came in the other morning to find an envelope postmarked Govan filled with £50 notes. There was no return address but a post-it stuck to the bundle of money." 

The post-it read "Here's money to buy a really great goalie, someone like David James for example. Regards, Walter.
PS: remember, buy David James." 

Neil continued "It's a real mystery so it is. Why would someone called Walter who posted the letter in Govan send us money to influence such a key spending decision, likely to crucially impinge on Celtic's Premier League campaign next season? 
Sorry, I've just realised, I've used the word "impinge" in a sentence without really knowing what it means."

It is thought that the mystery benefactor is in no way connected with Rangers FC which, as things stand, will be reduced to fielding an unusual attacking line-up next term made up of 3 men and a dog. With the dog brought in on a free.

Inside: David's top goalkeeping tip: "(1) Prepare to move quickly to cover and block shooting opportunities (2) Let in an  absolute trundler (3) Prepare to scream abuse at your blameless full-back."

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