Tuesday, 31 July 2012


forward at this moment in time.
 For all your fatuous, vacuous corporate strapline solutions, enjoy, dear reader do, NHS Forth Valley's effort on a Fuckin' Bus Timetable. 

Saturday, 28 July 2012

One of the disadvantages

Moving ceremony marking not spending £9 bn on people's  housing needs.

of not being in That London over the last few months, years or what might actually be decades, has been missing out. 
Missing out that is, on being stopped by some BBC hack, blissed-out on Olympic Kool-Aid and being asked:" There's a real sense of excitement building isn't there?"

 Now, because you're really bright, you'll recognise an assumptive close when you see one. With such a positive-spin built into the query, it would've been a tad churlish to respond with:
" Well, to be honest, I would have been lot more excited had the government been a lot more imaginative and spent £9 billion on giving ordinary Londoners decent housing." 
But,no, I'm a coward, so if asked I would have said:" Excited? Am I excited? Ahm positively  tumescent wi' excitement honey (assuming it was a lady), I've got a diamond cutter building up here! Ahm loaded fuhr bear so ahm uhr!" Or words to that effect. 
They might have cut it in the edit mind.
Anyway, the above is all a scene setter for The JT's commemorative Olympic joke, sponsored by Adidas, Sony, Mastercard and Morton's Rolls. (Courtesy of Highland Pete):

"Letterbox goes and wife comes through with a jiffy bag addressed to her husband. 

"What rubbish is this you've been buying now?"  she asks.

Husband takes envelope from her and as he tears it open a bundle of bronze, silver and gold items fall out of it.

He says "These are the special Olympic condoms I sent away for and this is your lucky night because you're going to get a gold medal performance from me!"

His wife (with that look we can just picture) says "Is that so? Well I've got a better idea  --  why don't you put on a silver one and you can come second for a change?""

Thank you, Ladees and Gennelmen, lets hear it for Highland Pete, he'll be here all week. Try and the veal and don't forget to tip the waitress etc

Thursday, 26 July 2012

Oh yeh right...

Like you read this story on the BBC  website and the exact same thought didn't enter your head, not once
Yeh, right...

"Olympic officials in London are to blame for a flag row which jeopardised a women's football game at Hampden Stadium in Glasgow, it has emerged.

The North Korean women's team walked off after a video introducing their players showed the South Korean flag. They later returned to play the match."

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

Disease linked to Catholicism.

Concern was growing last night that the incidence of a serious disease might be linked to an openly Catholic lifestyle. 
Speculation mounted after it was revealed that a senior God botherer in Scotland, Archbishop of Glasgow elect, Philip Tartagalia, had speculated, in a public forum. if the death of a Scottish MP had been caused by his gayness. The MP, tactfully (tactically?) unnamed by The Archbish is, back on Planet Earth , known to have died of an illness not related to his sexual preference.

It does appear however that there is a clear link between indulging in a blatantly Catholic lifestyle and talking out the arse. Man in a dress, Tartagalia, has claimed that he could go to jail at some point for "speaking out" against gay lifestyles. Hmm, yes, best leave it there I think...

Sunday, 22 July 2012

Can't think of a title for this... suddenly distracted...

I mean, she's a nice enough looking wumman, but...
OK, so here's the thing. 

I run a bit of software on the blog that counts the number of hits and where they're coming in from.  I'm just being nosy but to be honest I would've preferred a bit of software to not only give a general heids-up but also the name, address of the hiter (?) and where the spare keys to the hoose are kept.( My money's on that curling store propping open the greenhouse door).
 But anyway, the above rake term popped up the other day, it reads, "Sally Magnusson-milf." and due to the wonder of Google's metrics, The JT turned up as the eight -ranked link on that term.
OK, so here's the thing, again.
 I'm of the opinion that each of us is entitled to their opinion, but I can genuinely say that I've never before seen the words Sally Magnusson and Milf nestle together in the same sentence. Maybe its just me, but Sally as a Milf? Really?
Incidentally, the gag-strewn feature to which the raker was directed, does mention, a genuine, 100%, Milf, IMOH, although weather wonder, Judith Ralston, is rapidly coming up on the rail-side.
 Its the glasses, oh God, the glasses...

Thursday, 19 July 2012

From The Herald

"Alex Salmond has insisted an independent Scotland would seek to trade in Britain's Scottish-based nuclear arsenal for "something more useful" as part of a prolonged negotiation with the UK Government." The Herald, 19th July, 2012
Not coming to a newsagent's window near you, anytime soon:

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

The Perth Police Releaseth Steve.

Stephen, perfectly illustrating  two possible meanings of the term "wandering".
Perth Police this week released  naked rambler Stephen Gough. 
A spokesplod told The JT: "We've decided that there's no point us keeping locking him up. We do think he should be detained, but not necessarily by us. If you catch my drift..."
It is thought Stephen will simply continue to ramble, while rambling, naked.

Monday, 16 July 2012

Referenda, dum, de dum

Following Cardinal O'Brien's call for a referendum on same sex marriage in Scotland (and noting the Director of Stonewall Scotland's remarks on the issue, viz:"If you're against same-sex marriage, don't marry someone of the same sex"), The JT proposes another topic suitable for referendic approval.Viz:
"Does Keith looking fuckin' hot or what?"

Friday, 13 July 2012

What do Indian Orangemen sing?

we'll guard Old Delhi's Walls of course. And that must serve as a not at all laboured introduction to today's topic: spam that's fun!
Below, an offer to really class-up The JT brand. (Verbatim).

"Dear Sir,
             We are manufacturer and supplier of all kind of Masonic Regalia products such as Masonic Apron, Collars, Sashes, Banners, Gauntlets, MMA apron, FC apron, Hand and Machine Embroidered Aprons collars, sashes, Gloves, Badges and Knights Templar ECt. 
    We welcome you to do Business with us we can ensure you that our product quality is good and with affordable price. We hope that you will give us a chance to see ourselves. We believe that the price is nothing behind the quality of product. 
    We can also make customized designs according to demand. We manufacturer and send our products on lots if you directly buy from us we hope it will be cheaper for you. 
     So if you are interested and have some custom designs please send us with information.

Mr.Abbas Akhter
(Manager Director)
The Masonic Regalia...."

And evidence, if evidence was needed, that the Masonic conspiracy has spread its tentacles etc blah , blah, to the furthest flung reaches of the yadda, yadda, the address of The Masonic Regalia?:

Mr.Abbas Akhter
(Manager Director)
The Masonic Regalia
Zafar Wall Road, Mohallah Neka Pura Near 
Masjid Rehmat-ul-ala-Ameen, Sialkot ,Pakistan.
Tel:- +92 52 3611667
Cell:- +92 321 7100135
Cell:- +92 333 8685030
Email:- themasonicregalia@gmail.com 
Email:- info@themasonicregalia.com
Web Site:- www.themasonicregalia.com

Thursday, 12 July 2012

World Wide Web (Scottish version)

You know how its all worldy widey an' that? The web like?
Well, it is and it isn't. Last night on Reporting Scotland, they had an item about how this shite weather was forcing parents to spend more to keep their little darlings occupied, leading one interviewee to remark "We're raking the internet looking for free stuff." 
Raking. Not browsing you see. Browsing implies a relaxed, detached mode. Raking is when you're desperate. Raking is what you do when you're Scottish.

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Infinite number of monkeys! But for the space-age!

A pub website designer, yesterday.
You know that infinite number of monkeys theorem? The one that holds that if you gave an infinite number of monkeys access to typewriters, they'd eventually bang out Shakespeare's oeuvre? Yeh, that one. Anyway:
I've got an example that brings the whole idea bang up to date, to today. The Space-Age. The link below will take you to a pub website that I need to make two comments about.
 First, the gags on this site are top notch. Very clever, well put together in a sort of Viz way but with its own vibe. I'm inordinately jealous and I want to die, but moving on. 
Second, the website design. Whew. Its either a very deliberate pastiche of cutting-edge web design from about 1994 or someone's let the monkeys loose on  a FTP program found under Caxton's Press and bolted it on to a little known widget called Explosion in The Font Factory. Either way, be warned: this is very mental.
Because I'm a kind chap, I'm linking you to the FAQ page which starts well and gets better. From there, navigate to the other pages, or the FAQuing Hell pages as I've just decided to call them.... 
(Thanks to Brighton Joe for the link, although I suspect his motives were  less than pure. A Celtic-liker, if you catch my drift, not overly grief stricken at the Prospect of The Huns playing in the Dulux Gloss East-Midlands Reserve League next season.)

Sunday, 8 July 2012

OK, so at the end of the day (Brian)

it was a pretty routine win for Federer over oor Andy. He's gooderer than Andy, that's it.
And, maybe we all need to get out a bit more and stop investing too much of ourselves on the shoulders of a pretty good tennis player who, lets remember, is a kid from Dunblane.
 But, after the bitter bile of defeat recedes, one incontrovertible fact remains. As true now as when The JT first revealed the crushing actuality that Roger must live with every day of his life..., a fact that no number of tennis wins can ever, er, un-fact. 
(From The JT, 31st January, 2010, just after Roger had beaten Andy in The Australian Open.) 
Pray for him.

Thursday, 5 July 2012

And this just in as well, from The BBC!

Dumfries A75 closed by 

cheese lorry blaze

One of the main routes across south west Scotland has been closed by a fire which engulfed a lorry carrying a consignment of cheese.
The blaze broke out at about 04:00 on the A75 just west of the Garroch Road roundabout on the outskirts of Dumfries.
The road remains closed and diversions have been put in place.
A spokesman for Dumfries and Galloway Constabulary said nobody had been injured in the incident and called for large quantities of pan loaf toasted and Branston's pickle,which is way better than the Heinz wan, which is shite.

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

And this just in...

from the BBC.

A map of the UK with Doggerland marked as red

Hidden Doggerland underworld uncovered in 

North Sea

A huge area of land which was swallowed up into the North Sea thousands of years ago has been recreated and put on display by scientists.
Doggerland was an area between Northern Scotland, Denmark and the Channel Islands.
It was believed to have been home to tens of thousands of people before it disappeared underwater.
 It is thought that Rangers FC , as was, is to immediately apply to play in the local league.

Monday, 2 July 2012

Ah yes, of course, that's right...

Monday mornings huh? Bleurgh.
 Anyway, your editor thought to cheer his readers ( Hi you two!) with new news and old news, making the point that things never really change, they just keep coming  'round again as slightly different things. 
Or something like that anyway.
According to today's Skintsman, the incoming heid bummer at the SRU, (That's the Scottish Rugby Union, a governing body sort of thing, if you didn't know, or care), Alan Lawson has predicted that Scotland can win the next Rugby World Cup. 
He also reckons we're a shoo-in for the Home Nations title and, for all I know, reckons we can play the Lord Jesus Christ  at half-back because God was Scottish. But lets concentrate on the WC claim. We have been here before, reader dear, as I confirmed by rooting through the archival fusty dusty. 
October 2003. The RWC is just kicking off. Gregor Townsend has us winning same. Yup, that turned out really well didn't it? Incidentally, I swear to God I haven't edited this old feature. And now if you'll excuse me I'm just off to develop my new career- reading tea leaves.(Apologies for the layout, I can't reformat for shit)

"Quickly nurse! The screens! : Fly-half goes half-daft.
Legend in his own lunchtime, Scotland fly-half Gregor Townsend pushed off from Reality Quay and took the good ship HMS Havering for a trip round Bananas Bay when
 he claimed this week that Scotland could win the Rugby World Cup.

In an act of either touching loyalty to the cause or evidence
 of delusional behaviour Gregor claimed that Scotland’s recent run
 of bad form didn’t mean that we couldn’t win the Cup.
 Which is true Gregor, but the reason we won’t win the RWC is
 because there are better teams in the competition than us.
Teams, for example, who don’t field fly-halfs
who make a worrying habit of spilling hospital passes.
You know who you are…
Back on planet Earth, Ian McGeechan, bowing out as Scotland coach
after the RWC, revealed this week that he would’ve taken
 the England coaching job had it been offered.

Luckily for Ian, the job of coaching the white-shirted Forces Of Darkness
 went to some speccy baldy bloke, as the Scottish support
don’t take kindly to Scots
assisting THEM in any sporting capacity.

We wouldn’t want Ian going from being a
"national treasure" to a "traitorous bastard" in the time it takes for
that wee nyaff Wilkinson to rack up twenty points.

Inside: Yes, I know which side is going to win the RWC,

 I just don’t want to think about it…"