Sunday, 27 May 2012

"Yes" campaign promises a "Tsunami of Tedium."

In launching the Yes campaign for the independence referendum scheduled for not fuckin' ages yet, First Minister Alex Salmond has outlined his hopes for the campaign.
He told The JT: "I  foresee a Scotland with an electorate constantly engaged with our campaigners, yawning, grinding their teeth, looking at their collective watches and saying to our campaigners 'look, if I promise to vote Yes, will you go the fuck away?' "

It is thought that in opting for a rather long run-in, Mr Salmond is hoping to improve the perception of longevity amongst the Scottish electorate, as Professor Beaker now explains :"In much the same way as giving up smoking on the first day of your holiday doubles the perceived length of each fun-free, fagless day*, Mr Salmond has ensured that the period up to late 2014 will seem like a fuckin' eternity."

Margaret Ewing MSP, (this isn't made up) speaking in a BBC Scotland debate on Independence, argued that the prospect should not be seen as "a silver bullet" to cure Scotland's problems. Although it will presumably deal with any werewolves.
Scottish voters"engaging" with campaign

Inside:*Yes, it is adapted from a Top Tip out of Viz.

Monday, 21 May 2012

Bullet dodged...

You know how God looks after all of us even though sometimes we don't understand his mysterious ways? Well, in making sure Scotland didn't qualify for the Euros, I think the Lord our God might have done us Scots a bit of a good turn.

I am informed reliably or perhaps not, that this collection of cat wailings actually constitutes the official anthem for the Euros being jointly hosted by Transylvania and fuckin' Zombieland by the looks of this lot.

Never has the expression, "I don't fancy yours much", been pregnant with so much meaning. Put your stake, hammer and crosses together, ladees and gennlemen, and give up life itself  for the vocal stylings of The Eight Tractors..

Thursday, 17 May 2012


Cast your eyes downwards, dear reader do, to the two stills from a news report on a recent Reporting Scotland.
The report was about teaching kids foreign languages, the two hings oots we see before us are apparently school teachers. And this is how they  dress to come to work in a primary school. 
One has to ask, if this look is acceptable as daywear, how would these young ladies dress before assaying a night oot oan the tehr?
You couldn't make it up, the world's going to hell in a handcart, it really is...

Monday, 14 May 2012

Green to move Ibrox assets to lockup for safe keeping

Mr Green insists: "I could be so good for you."
Rangers' saviour of this week, Sheffield-based businessman  Charles Green, promised fans this week that the club was in safe hands - and that his intention to put all the assets of the club in his lock-up was only a precautionary move.

Wearing a coat last seen gracing the figure of Arthur Daly in Minder, Mr Green told the waiting media :"I know that I look like some kind of 1980s throwback, but nothing could be further from the truth. Where I come from, Sheffield, it's perpetually 1981 and this camel-hair coat is considered the height of fashion."

Mr Green conceded that his management style might be considered a touch abrasive but would deploy his main security asset, a Mr Terry McCann, to hand out "a bit of a slap" to any critics. 

As he spoke, Mr Green confirmed that Terry was already removing Ibrox assets to the lock-up at the back of the Winchester Club to be stored alongside Mr Green's other investment "acquisitions": 12 Betamax VCRS, still in their boxes, and an assortment of 26" colour TVs, finished in mahogany veneer and already set up to receive C4 when it starts.

 Mr Green told the waiting media that he could let the TVs go for half a ton each, tell you what, make it a pony. I'm a fool to myself, I really am, Mr Green concluded.

Saturday, 5 May 2012

Eldon kills Dawe off...

Kevin Eldon, comic actor, known for his work in Big Train and Nighty Night, has announced his intention to kill off his comic creation Jenny Dawe. 
Mr Eldon told the media that despite enjoying playing the character, the "Leader " of Edinburgh Lib-Dems in the often deliberately farcical show Edinburgh City Council, he'd grown tired of the demands of the role. 

 "I found wearing the wig for hours on end very wearisome although obviously we never had to spend a lot of time in face make-up apart from needing to make me look more butch."

Mr Eldon went on:" Within the farceur tradition the audience expects rather wild plot developments, but I did feel that whole tram sub-plot was taking things a bit too far. We must respect our audiences and the tram story was just  too unbelievable."
While Mr Eldon will now return to shorter-term acting commitments he's philosophical about "his"  Jenny Dawe.

 "At the end of the day, Jenny was just a wig, make-up and questionable dress sense but I'd like to think her ghost will haunt the City Chambers in some way, perhaps moaning, rattling her chain of office and screaming about what she'd like to do to that cunt Clegg."

Ooh, it does look itchy tho' doesn't it?

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

This just in from The Scotsperson

The lady in the picture below, standing next to Gnasher Gnicola, is one Allison Hunter. Ms Hunter is leading the SNP's bid to oust Labour in Glasgow's council elections. 
According to The Scotsman, Ms Hunter is on record as saying that she's not really sure what policies she'll introduce should the SNP win.
 Presumably she's just going to make it up as she goes along. 
I feel an edit coming on...