Thursday, 27 September 2012

Good evening Brighton!

Off, dear reader, to That Brighton for the weekend, with the memsahib. VFR mission don't you know.
Anyway, cop a load of the name of this Brighton pub I found on That Google. I'll tell you what: either this phrase has a completely different meaning down there OR it must really kick off when the Old Firm's playing.
 Extra marketing points BTW for allowing your pub to feature on Google with a Nanbretta parked outside. Thatsa  spicy demographic you wanta attract!

See you on the other side. Unless you're a JT reader living in Brighton. In which case- Hi, can you give me money?

"Evening landlord, a pint of your best fenian blood please"

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

From The BBC: A headline positively Sherlockian in its no-shit-edness....

Thank God we have reports like this.
 Otherwise, we'd all think that the daily evidence we see of widespread piebetes was all just  in our fuckin' heads.

Inside: Oh look, I appear to have invented a new word:edness. Clever me.

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Bish' markets new line of sacred wallpaper.

Lets not mention the Pius in the  room, shall we?
Quickly passing over Bishop Joseph Devine's recent remarks implying that to be pro-choice is tantamount to condoning Auschwitz, (Two words, Joey boy. Pope. Pius. And a number. X11) let us turn our attention to the recent photograph of The Bish' and ask: what's going on with that wallpaper?

I mean, cynics might argue that its just a trick of the light, but I can definitely see an arcing aura just off Joe's right shoulder. Could it in fact be a trick of God's light? Are we looking at holy wallpaper? Just imagine how much that wallpaper would be worth. Talk about tending your flock (s)!

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

From The BBC- Its the gag that writes itself!

Battle of Bannockburn material 'may be at police HQ'

Archaeologists carry out surveys in the grounds of Central Scotland Police HQ

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Archaeologists are hoping to uncover material from the Battle of Bannockburn in the grounds of Central Scotland Police headquarters at Stirling.
Council archaeologists are using ground penetrating radar near two standing stones at the front of the building. 

A spokesplod for Central Scotland Police at some point will no doubt tell The JT:" We understand that materials relating to a civil disturbance dating from June 1314 have been located. As it is likely that these items may be used in evidence in our continuing inquiries  into what has been locally describes as a "battle", the items will remain in the custody of the force."

Sunday, 16 September 2012

Ooh spooky! No, not really...

The image of a hooded figure, captured by cameramenand seen by only thousands of people in Dunblane , during Andy Murray's walkabout is likely to spark widespread speculation about what it all means. 

Professor Beaker, of Stirling's  Department For Over-thinking Shit told The JT:" It might be just some bloke with his hood up, but is it? He's clearly the only person in the shot wearing a hood. Could it be, at some metaphorical level, a warning to Andy Murray, not to succumb to hubris? Is it an elaborate signifier pointing up the Scottish tradition of not really enjoying anything too much because eventually  it's all going to go to shit?"

We contacted the hooded figure who confirmed that he was in fact Colin, Gatherer of Souls, The Grim Reaper, but it was his day off and he just fancied a day out in Dunblane. " I wasn't here to pick up Andy" he laughingly explained, or transport him to Hades. "Actually, I left my scythe back in Hades today, I wouldn't want anyone to get accidentally nicked. Very sharp things, scythes."
 Colin fully intends to return to Hades later today but has to detour first to the place where he takes really bad souls. "When is the last train to Airdrie anyway?"
Asked about the hooded-figure standing behind him Andy commented: "I've no idea, I thought it was some bloke dressed up as Ezio Auditore."

Friday, 14 September 2012

Say what you like about Robbie Fuckin' Williams...

But, if the picture editor at The Hardup is to be believed, he not only sings he also designs clothes AND finds the time to moonlight as some Scottish poet I've never heard of having a go at Creative Scotland,an organisation that I have heard of unfortunately....

Inside: Eagle-eyed readers will no doubt recognise the provenance of the headline. "Robbie Fuckin' Williams- he can do no wrong" featured as a strip in Viz a few years back. As did a letter that sort of went "Robbie Williams expresses a desire to Let Me Entertain you. In your own time then Robbie..." The poet BTW is Don Paterson. Anyone?

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

The world according to Craig

"In an ideal world, and I'm maybe a bit of an idealist, for our players to play at their best they need confidence. Confidence comes from results but it also comes from knowing people are backing you, supporting you." 
Craig Levein, Scotland Manager, quoted in The Herald, 11th September 2012

Following Craig Levein's assertion in The Herald that confidence comes from winning and being supported we asked the Scotland manager to analyse the meaning of Andy Murray's grand-slam win at the US Open.

" There's been a lot said by you guys in the media how fantastic it is that Murray's been winning things. I mean, I know, its great and everything to win matches, but, and I'm maybe a bit of an idealist here, but what I've got to ask is, what does it mean to "win"?

 I mean, OK, it sounded like the Scotland support were booing us aff the park on Saturday, but that's only because that's the way you guys in the media were listening.

 I mean in tennis there's a fine line between winning and what I call non-winning.
 I mean you guys in the media, with your pens and paper and computers might say its no called "non-winning", its called "losing". 
See that's where I think you got it wrong. I mean look at your Murrays, Federerers and your Djockovics if you don't believe me.

I mean, look at the boy Murray losing to the boy Federer at Wimbledon and how he cried. He wisnae crying cause he "lost", in introverted commas, he was crying because the crowd in The Common at that match had lost confidence in him for no winning. 
Do you see the difference?
And because the crowd weren't 100% behind him, that effected Murray's game and made it almost certain that he would lose again tae the boy Federer in the Olympics. 

Which he didnae, but that's no really the point. 

I mean, going into the match at Hampden with Macedonia, there's still 27 points play for! 
And OK, maybe after tonight's game we might no have got any points, but so what? I can see the team "winning" , as you call it, up there, in the head. OK, maybe they don't win on the ground, but still. 
As I've said, I'll be judged over time on results. 
They'll maybe no be "results" the way you guys in the media understand them, but they'll be results the way the manager understands them and at the end of the day, its the manager's job, no the fans, no you guys in the media, to understand what the results are and be prepared to be judged by them.
 Can I just conclude this press conference by saying that my agent wants bookers to know that I might be available to do panto this Xmas, depending on how results go.
Thank you."

Saturday, 8 September 2012

So Craig, cigarette or blindfold?

So Kenny, how's Vancouver working out for you?
Prior to 3pm today. Under Craig Levein, Scotland played 10, won 3.
Craig interviewed in The Scotsman:"Judge me by results".
4.45pm today. Scotland played 11, won 3.

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

I don't normally re-cycle stuff here

apart from jokes obviously, but I'm making an exception to direct you to Harvey and Benedetti's reading of Leaving Lerwick Harbour. Enjoy soon because I've no doubt the joy-killers at The Beeb will be on the case so it may disappear soon. 
Be quick! Be quick!

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

And just

at the very moment when Alex started to describe the government's legislative programme, Christine and Nicola both found themselves distracted by a cat, lying on the floor of the chamber, nonchalantly cleaning its bollocks.

Sunday, 2 September 2012

From The BBC...

Fisherman escapes shark attack off Islay

SharkThe shark attacked Hamish Currie when his boat was off Islay

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A fisherman has escaped a shark attack after his crew caught the animal off Islay in the Inner Hebrides.
The 7ft porbeagle took hold of Hamish Currie's steel toe-capped boot after the skipper hauled it on to the deck of his vessel.
Mr Currie, 53, from Saltcoats, Ayrshire, targeted the shark after hearing reports of it attacking seals. 
Mr Currie later told The JT: "The one in the boat was big enough but you should've seen The Great White that attacked us as well. Massive fucker that was."
Under attack from The Great White, Mr Currie managed to fool the shark into swallowing a gas canister and then shooting the canister thus blowing the evil creature up. "It was like a scene from the movie Jaws," Mr Currie told us, "except it really definitely happened, and no one can prove otherwise."