Friday, 30 May 2014


In the name of all that's holy, terrible news for gentlemen of a certain age with specialised (ahem) "tastes". 

Judith Ralston, BBC Scotland's resident bespectacled weather wumman and MILF of the parish has taken to wearing contact lenses.Check out the screenshot below that confirms this very, very disturbing development. 

On a happier note, this otherwise disastrous event in the lives of Gentlemen Who Go Quiet When Judith's On , does give me the excuse to retail a letter from the current Viz, neatly encapsulating a larger climate reporting related dilemma.
"When will the BBC stop using MILFs to present the weather forecast? I get enough of that on the internet." (Mike F)
There's another letter, referring to Carol Kirkwood, but I'm not doing that one...


Thursday, 29 May 2014

"Minor"? No. Completely fuckin' surreal? Yes.

"I was influenced by the situationist movement your honour" Stokes tells judge...

Not The Jaggy Thistle

and following criticism of his comparison of Putin with Hitler, Prince Charles adopts a low key public persona...

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

"I've always admired John Cleese"

Mr Salmond told the attending media on a trip to Rutherglen. " I especially liked his role of Basil Fawlty, I mean, who can forget this?"

Saturday, 24 May 2014

Art School saved and design aesthetic playfully preserved...

Not only did firefighters manage to save The Glasgow School Of Art from destruction, they also managed to do so in keeping with the design aesthetic and age of the building.

"Anything more modern would have been far too vulgar" says Fireman Sam

Thursday, 22 May 2014

Cropping to fit

That's the problem you see, always pressed for space in newspapers.For example, here's a photograph as it appeared in The Skintsman:

And, to make it fit, here's the part of the original shot that was cropped out...

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

Welcome to Scotland? (From The Hardup)

Seven out of ten Scots 'back Ukip policy on immigration'

UKIP policies to curb immigration, cut overseas aid and crack down on benefits claimants are backed by a majority of Scots, a surprise new poll suggests, despite the repeated failure of Nigel Farage's anti-EU party to make a breakthrough north of the Border.

The survey shows nearly seven out of 10 Scots back stricter immigration controls, a key pledge in Ukip's manifesto for tomorrow's European elections.
Just over half want international aid budgets to be cut, while six out of 10 people say benefits should only be available to those who have lived in the UK for at least five years
A spokesperson for the Scottish government told The JT:" Its only one opinion poll, this government prefers the opinion polls that portray Scotland as a Guardian-reading leftist culture suffused with balsamic vinegar and extra-virgin olive oil.
Its time pollsters produced more accurate soundings by rigourously reporting the only opinions that matter- the thoughts inside Alex Salmond's head."

Monday, 19 May 2014

"Is this the Edinburgh train?"

"When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life."
Samuel Johnson, September1777

"Hello, is that The Samaritans? Could you come and get me? I'm stuck on The Tube..."
Editor, The Jaggy Thistle, May 2015.

To That London then, a few days past, to squire my significant -other- for- life on a work trip,  visit with family, peruse the culture and free the self of the weight of materialism, mainly by spending all my fuckin' money...

Distance is no object in London because that's what London is: distance. You walk for miles to get to the tube station, followed by more miles inside the tube station, down past the inner circles of Dante's inferno, to reach your train. A few rattles and bumps later you get out of the train and do the same thing as you just did but this time in reverse.
 Managed a trip from Hammersmith to King's Cross all on my oaneeoh, I think I went via Polmont, because by the time I got to KC, i met myself going back the other way...

A warm chat with the newsagent local to our hotel. He has a Scottish neighbour he tells  me, who now finds Scotland too cold. Or as he puts it:"She's become a soft southerner..."

To dinner in Hammersmith, where, from the next table, it sounds that crows have learned to speak English. Oh no, wait. It appears to be two cast members from Eastenders, are deploying not only the dulcet tones of Cocknee but topping it off with linguistic innovation: Cocknee with upspeaking.
 As in: "So ah went dahn the pahb? And you'll never guess who ah met, dahn the pahb? Only bleedin' Brad from bladhy Ibiza!" Resolve to go dahn the lawndret to see if Dot's done me washin'.
 Oh God, I've must have got bit...

Buying food and drink in London can be a laborious business. I found that the best course of action is to simply empty your wallet into the salient till. Saves time basically...

Buying food and drink in London can be a joyful, delightful business. Had lunch with offspring at an Italian cafe near Kings Cross. 
Omelette with tomato and onion fighting for space on the plate with 3 enormous slices of fuckin' real, fuckin' brilliant Italian bread. Offspring couldn't finish her dolomite sized portion of pasta napoli that sung an aria of flavour. 
Two cans of (ahem) "juice" .Total bill: ten pounds forty please. Elsewhere in London they charge you £10.40 to show you to a table, or so it seems...
 No idea where exactly this place is but wherever it is, its too far away.

Talking to the hotel handyperson. He's originally from Macedonia, worked sites all over The Midlands as a spark. Knows my home town basically because he punts my local  team in the bookies. He's never been to Scotland but he reckons its much like Macedonia because of the way Scottish guys working on the sites described it. I take it the guys are describing the lochs and mountains, because if they were describing, for example, the main drag in Alexandria, then Macedonia must be a toilet...

We were in London as visitors obviously, we're too posh to be tourists, but having walked through central London I can safely assert this: if Scotland managed to divert just ten percent of the camera totting spending machines that swarm the streets of London then Scotland would be full.

Looking out the window of the train as it belts past Dunbar towards Edinburgh. There's no one on the beach. There are places where space is no object, there's loads of it and its empty.

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

This just in from the rootin', tootin' BBC: Laing replaces Barney, brother of The King of The Wild Frontier

Aberdeen City Council is to have a new leader.
Jenny Laing has replaced Barney Crockett as leader of the Labour group, and hopes to be confirmed as the authority's new leader on Wednesday.It is thought Mr Crockett expressed a wish to spend more time huntin' varmints,fighting Injuns and the like...
Barney's brother, Davy...

Alexander:" We must prepare for possible Yes victory"

Friday, 9 May 2014

And today's prize for enabling really bad

Photoshopping goes to whatever subbie at The Skintsman let this through...
For shame, Skintsman, for shame...

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

According to this,

 a quite literally new dinosaur discovered by Edinburgh boffins! Dinosaur seen below quite literally rampaging along Princes Street Gardens and quite literally scaring the pigeons, probably...

" and after this fight, we'll do The Scott Monument and then visit The Castle..."

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

From The BBC: summer is coming...

Transport Minister Keith Brown will be questioned by councillors in Aberdeen later about the notorious traffic blackspot at the Haudagain roundabout.
The appearance is a rare move for a Holyrood minister and comes amid strained relations with the council. 
Mr Brown told The JT:" I'd never heard of this place before, I thought it was maybe a  village in Game Of Thrones..."

Sunday, 4 May 2014

Do forgive me

but I snigger every time someone on the telly mentions "beavers in The Highlands"...