Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Cardinal of the week...

a temporary replacement for Cardinal O'Brien, Philip Tartaglia has given early indications that there will be no alleged incidents of "inappropriate behaviour" directed  towards male priests on his watch.

Sunday, 24 February 2013


Britain's senior Roman Catholic cleric has been reported to the Vatican over historical allegations of inappropriate behaviour, a newspaper has said.
The Observer said three priests and one former priest made the complaint against Cardinal Keith O'Brien, 74, leader of the Scottish Catholic Church.
They have also demanded his immediate resignation, the paper said.
 In commenting, the editor of The JT said:"At least there can't be possibly a gay subtext here. I mean given what the cardinal has said on the record about gay sex, it would be unimaginable hypocrisy for him to do one thing and say another. No, I'm sure this is all to do with the cardinal being a closeted Partick Thistle fan and nothing more. 
I personally would welcome a very through investigation of these claims, with testimony under oath, to clear the cardinal of any more serious allegations." And with that, the editor skilfully hopped on to the back of his winged unicorn and flew off to Land of Oz.
Inside: Is this already a thing or have I just made it up? Are gay priests 'fessing up said to be coming out of the cloister?

Thursday, 21 February 2013

but seriously dude... (From The BBC)

Former UK minister Mark Malloch-Brown said that the world would be watching Scotland as the referendum on independence draws nearer. Sorry, Mark who?
In an interview with the BBC's Glenn Campbell, the one-time United Nations deputy secretary general said people in Scotland would face a choice at the autumn 2014 poll that could have a lot of ramifications. "Deputy secretary general"? Is that actually a thing? Does the deputy do secretary generalling when the sherrif's out of town chasing Black Hat Bart and his gang with a posse?

Mr Malloch-Brown, who was minister of state at the Foreign and Commonwealth Office in Gordon Brown's government, also believed the United States would be wise to keep out of the Scottish independence. Apparently he was Brown's minister of state at the Foreign Office. Maybe his Mum got him in or something. You know, he sort of worked himself up from doing the internal mail. Do you think his Mum knows him? Seriously, I've no idea who this guy was...sorry... is.

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Lennon to call on Clark Kent.

The Celtic manager Neil Lennon has conceded that he is unlikely to receive a helpful ruling on the conduct of the Spanish referee during last Tuesday's uber-gubbing at the hands of Juventus. 

He told The JT :" I can't expect UEFA to rule on the ref's conduct, far less order a replay, that's why I'm now calling in Superman." 
It would appear that Neil has watched the first of the Superman films where Superman reverses the earth's rotational spin, thus  reversing the flow of time. 
" I will be asking Superman, in the guise of mild mannered reporter Clark Kent, to don his Superman outfit and return The Earth to just before 7.45pm Tuesday last so we can get another chance at losing."
It is not known at the time of writing, whether the man of steel is sufficiently Celtic-minded given that he wears a lot of blue...

The two players most involved in the now infamous wrestling matches in the penalty box, Celtic's Hooper and Juve's Lichsteiner, are now practising breaking chairs over people's heads and forearming the referee by mistake,  prior to taking on the ghosts of Jackie Pallo and Mick McManus in a tag match sure to be loved by all grapple fans.
Back in Parkhead, Neil continued to insist  that there is clear evidence on a DVD that the referee ignored the wrestling. Neil also has video footage that clearly show President Kennedy being shot by the wife.

Inside:One is reminded of Strachan's response to the reporter asking him in what areas had Middlesbrough been better than his then club. 
"What areas? Mainly the big green bit."

Sunday, 17 February 2013

Feel Free do

to attempt to pick the logic out of this.
 Here's the facts: Scotland has one of the highest rates of teenage pregnancy in Europe. Unlike other countries this might have something to do with the practice of making it very difficult  for our teenagers to either get contraceptive advice or honest, straight forward, guilt free sex education. 
A group of doctors ( The Scottish Sexual Health Lead Clinicians Group) has not unreasonably, suggested that we open up post sexual contact services, including the morning-after pill, to school age girls. Now, bearing in mind that the suggestion is to provide a service to girls who have had sex, let us now turn to Brain of Nowhere, John Deignan, who is apparently, The Mother Church's "Parliamentary Officer" , whatever the fuck that is and be prepared to try to work out what he's on about. I quote verbatim, from the BBC website feature, so belive me, it is as bad as it reads.

"The parliamentary officer for the Roman Catholic church in Scotland, John Deighan, said the proposal from the SSHLCG sent the wrong message to children.
He said: "Sexual behaviour is something that's for adults. Children deserve to have a childhood.
"Making emergency contraception available to children is a green light really that that's the sort of behaviour they should be involved in, and I think a lot of young girls especially want to resist that behaviour.
"But if adults are telling them 'no, we expect that of you' then you're really leaving them without the help and support they need."

Friday, 15 February 2013

Note to the sports editor at The Skintman

 If you're going to publish a feature in which Craig Whyte protests his innocence of all doing wrong at Rangers, its probably best not to illustrate the piece thusly:

The possible caption, "I'm saying nothing 'til my lawyer gets here" virtually writes itself.
 Unless, of course the editor,  probably facing the tin tack like the rest of what's left of the paper's editorial team, has just thought to himself, "Fuck it, who cares anyway?"

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Its from The BBC so it must be true...

Scientists hope to recruit 2,000 Shetlanders for a study into the link between DNA and potentially fatal conditions.
Additionally, researchers hope to discover why Shetlanders have wings growing out of their heads.

Viking helmet at Up Helly Aa

Monday, 11 February 2013

Bye Bye Benedict, Benedict, bye bye...

Senior Catholics in Scotland awoke today to the news that the current Pope, Benedict, intends to retire from the post.
It is understood that Cardinal O'Brien, originally thought to be too old to be made Pope, has discovered that he is in fact 5 years younger than it says on his birth certificate. So he is.
Catholics in Scotland recall with warmth the current Pope's visit to Scotland where he handed babies out to the adoring crowd.
"Okay, so that's ein baby for you. Now, who asked for ein double scoop mitt monkey blood?"

Thursday, 7 February 2013

Thank God for The BBC...

Explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes has been fined £450 and had five points added to his licence after he admitted speeding on the A9 in the Highlands last year. He almost told the court that he was driven by the need to explore, in this case  to explore just how fast this baby will go.

Scottish lingerie tycoon Michelle Mone has announced that her estranged husband has left the company behind the Ultimo brand.Regrettably, in a news story about Michele's tit-pant company, the BBC manage to get through a whole item on the divorce without once using the word "separate". And forget "lift", that bad boy wasn't even on the table...

 Gardening programme The Beechgrove Garden will be shown south of the border for the first time when it returns for a new series in the spring. For the first time English viewers will be able to hurriedly reach for the remote as the show's opening titles roll.

Charging points for electric cars are to be installed throughout the Scottish road network, as part of a government scheme to cut vehicle emissions. It is thought that the move will lead to endless iterations of the old gag:" if they want to extend the range of electric cars, they'll need longer power cables" forever and ever, amen.

A number of councils across Scotland are debating how to spend the money they will have over the next 12 months. Councils are facing difficult decisions in prioritizing whose going to get fucked over first.

A team developing anti-cancer and anti-inflammatory drugs from research based on the immune systems of sharks has received a £1.5m funding boost. With £2k allocated to clinical development and the rest ear-marked for a great big mother fucker of an anti-bastarding scary shark cage, like the team have seen on those wildlife documentaries on the telly. And why didn't the clinical lead look into the possibility that hamsters or goldfish might give us a good study population, why did it have to be fucking sharks? Sweet Jesus, I have a wife and family for fuck's sake....

There is at least some good news for Royal Bank of Scotland, as its finance director writes three cheques for fines totalling £391m: he couldn't find his cheque guarantee card, but its alright honestly, he checked the account this morning and there's definitely £391m in the account, although having said that ,there's a couple of direct-debits to come off. Tell you want, don't present the cheque for payment until later in the week, three working days to clear, it'll be fine. Any problems, give me a phone. No honestly, the bank's good for it man. Scout's dude, seriously...

Key online retailers are joining talks in Edinburgh on fairer parcel delivery charges to rural parts of Scotland. It is thought the retailers will turn up to the meeting with government ministers sometime between 9am and 12noon, and will either leave a "sorry we missed you" card at the door or leave their proposals with a neighbouring high-powered meeting or in the bin-store.

Monday, 4 February 2013

Hold the front page? No, not really.

From yesterday's Sunday Hardup:"Holyrood has become a privileged middle-class club, with the voices of millions of Scots on low and average incomes rarely being heard, according to a report by a leading Scottish think tank.

A study by the left-leaning Jimmy Reid Foundation found that those making and influencing policy decisions are overwhelmingly higher-rate taxpayers and other top earners, while those struggling on lower incomes are virtually excluded from the system."

And From The JT, 15th September, 2008:

Pot, Kettle, Gray...

Isn't it funny when politicians try to sound tough and, not to put too fine a point on it, a bit working class?
Take Iain Gray.
"The Grayster", "The Man with No Plan" etc. etc. was duly elected Labour leader in Scotland at the weekend. After rising without trace, (apparently his own wife's a bit vague about what it is he actually does) he launched what I believe the press would call, "a stinging attack" on AlexSalmond.
It went like this.
When Alex was a civil servant, Iain was a teacher in a "tough, inner city school", when Alex worked for the Royal Bank, Iain was saving the natives in Mozambique. I suspect we're being left to draw our own conclusions here about the contrast between Iain, man of action and Alex, man of, er, expense account lunches eaten off the be-capped heads of the starving, down-trodden proletariat or something.
Factually, the comparison was accurate as far as it went. But, the problem here lies in what Iain left out. Nae herm to the guy, but he was a pupil at George Watson's in Edinburgh. For those of you living in Foreign, GW's is a dead posh private school in That Edinburgh.
Now, as I say, its not Iain's fault that his parents sent him to a toff's school, but why did he leave that fact out? I mean, he could've said something like "I enjoyed a privileged, cloistered education at one of the country's top private schools but I nevertheless developed a burning commitment to social justice". Nothing wrong with that is there? Fair play to him, we'd all say.
Ah, but you see, that iteration doesn't fit in with the man of the people narrative, so the school thing has to be glossed overAlex is a posh twat, Iain's one of us - are we clear? Er, no.
Because the fact is that its been a long time since anyone in Scottish Labour could play that class card without being laughed at.
Iain's career trajectory reflects that of many Scottish Labour politicians, enjoying reasonably-paid, comfortable membership of the public and voluntary sector salariat. Mostly compassionate, certainly mainly conscientious social democrats, but Labour the natural home of life's rebels? Please.
That’s not to say that Alex is off the hook. He may see himself as a tough, no-nonsense type of guy, but be honest, would you look to Alex to cover your back in a fight? No, neither would I.
The truth is that all politicians, irrespective of party affiliation, are lifetime members of that select group of people who actually choose to sit at the front of the class. 
To that extent, Alex and Iain will always have a lot more in common with each other than they have with the kids who sat at the back.
Inside: Presumably Andy Kerr will now have more time to pursue his hobby of "running". What kind of running is it? After the chip van perhaps?

Saturday, 2 February 2013

Right then, so here's the thing.

There's this company who help sort out personal injury claims and they seem legit. The link's at the end of the post if you want to check it out. About 3/4 of the way down the home page on the Right Hand Side, there is this heart-felt vote of thanks from a (ahem) "satisfied" customer. Here's the comment:                                              

OK, so. Either the site's been hacked OR the company will take any positive comment they can get. Either way, thanks to Brighton Joe for the heid's up and the link if you want to check if its still there is: