Thank God for The BBC...

Explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes has been fined £450 and had five points added to his licence after he admitted speeding on the A9 in the Highlands last year. He almost told the court that he was driven by the need to explore, in this case  to explore just how fast this baby will go.

Scottish lingerie tycoon Michelle Mone has announced that her estranged husband has left the company behind the Ultimo brand.Regrettably, in a news story about Michele's tit-pant company, the BBC manage to get through a whole item on the divorce without once using the word "separate". And forget "lift", that bad boy wasn't even on the table...

 Gardening programme The Beechgrove Garden will be shown south of the border for the first time when it returns for a new series in the spring. For the first time English viewers will be able to hurriedly reach for the remote as the show's opening titles roll.

Charging points for electric cars are to be installed throughout the Scottish road network, as part of a government scheme to cut vehicle emissions. It is thought that the move will lead to endless iterations of the old gag:" if they want to extend the range of electric cars, they'll need longer power cables" forever and ever, amen.

A number of councils across Scotland are debating how to spend the money they will have over the next 12 months. Councils are facing difficult decisions in prioritizing whose going to get fucked over first.

A team developing anti-cancer and anti-inflammatory drugs from research based on the immune systems of sharks has received a £1.5m funding boost. With £2k allocated to clinical development and the rest ear-marked for a great big mother fucker of an anti-bastarding scary shark cage, like the team have seen on those wildlife documentaries on the telly. And why didn't the clinical lead look into the possibility that hamsters or goldfish might give us a good study population, why did it have to be fucking sharks? Sweet Jesus, I have a wife and family for fuck's sake....

There is at least some good news for Royal Bank of Scotland, as its finance director writes three cheques for fines totalling £391m: he couldn't find his cheque guarantee card, but its alright honestly, he checked the account this morning and there's definitely £391m in the account, although having said that ,there's a couple of direct-debits to come off. Tell you want, don't present the cheque for payment until later in the week, three working days to clear, it'll be fine. Any problems, give me a phone. No honestly, the bank's good for it man. Scout's dude, seriously...

Key online retailers are joining talks in Edinburgh on fairer parcel delivery charges to rural parts of Scotland. It is thought the retailers will turn up to the meeting with government ministers sometime between 9am and 12noon, and will either leave a "sorry we missed you" card at the door or leave their proposals with a neighbouring high-powered meeting or in the bin-store.