(Cough)

Britain's senior Roman Catholic cleric has been reported to the Vatican over historical allegations of inappropriate behaviour, a newspaper has said.

The Observer said three priests and one former priest made the complaint against Cardinal Keith O'Brien, 74, leader of the Scottish Catholic Church.

They have also demanded his immediate resignation, the paper said.

 In commenting, the editor of The JT said:"At least there can't be possibly a gay subtext here. I mean given what the cardinal has said on the record about gay sex, it would be unimaginable hypocrisy for him to do one thing and say another. No, I'm sure this is all to do with the cardinal being a closeted Partick Thistle fan and nothing more. 

I personally would welcome a very through investigation of these claims, with testimony under oath, to clear the cardinal of any more serious allegations." And with that, the editor skilfully hopped on to the back of his winged unicorn and flew off to Land of Oz.

Inside: Is this already a thing or have I just made it up? Are gay priests 'fessing up said to be coming out of the cloister?