Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Linehan should sue

Father Ted co-writer Graham Linehan should get the lawyers on to this one.
Ted, circa 1996, Craggy Island:                                                                                                                        
                                                       








Some bloke, 2011, Paris Fashion Week:



Sunday, 26 June 2011

Ye-e-s...(From the BBC)


"The Scottish government has laid out a revised timetable for new anti-sectarian legislation, with a view to passing a bill by the end of the year.
The move came as Scottish Labour called for football fans to be included in efforts to tackle sectarianism."
Step 1: Set timetable to pass bill.
Step 2: "Consult" with fans.
Step 3: Consult with The Old Firm.
Step 4: "Revise" timetable to pass bill.

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

SFA: "Send in a working party!".




The Scottish Football Association joined Wales and Northern Ireland today in condemning the creation of a UK soccer team for the 2012 London Olympics.A clearly upset spokescommittee told The JT: " The English FA are claiming that this team has been approved by  all the home nation associations. This assertion is untrue." 


The SFA is concerned that such a UK team might undermine Scotland's Fifa recognition but members of the SFA's board  have more fundamental objections.
 " The proposal has totally ignored the most fundamental issue surrounding the creation of a UK team: the design  of committee members' blazers." 


Following the SFA's traditional decision making timescales, it is thought that design approval for a new, multi-association blazer design might have taken some time. 
" Following precedent, the SFA would've appointed a working party to look into the possibility of setting up a steering group to investigate the possibility of drawing up a short-list of possible badge designs for the new blazer subject of course to the scope of the steering group's delegated powers being approved by a full meeting of the SFA Executive board." 
It is thought that the blazer design would have not be finalised much before the return triumphal of Our Lord to Dumbarton.
Even if the English FA had consulted earlier on the UK team,insurmountable obstacles would have still remained according to our SFA source.
" There is just no protocol in place to allow the design of a sausage roll acceptable to all the Home Nation football associations. This would've made the traditional., time honoured, endless round of buffets, enjoyed by committee members and paid for by other people's money very problematic."


Inside: This is true. Stewart Regan, Chief Executive of The SFA has condemned the English FA's actions as "anti-Scottish." Stewart is English. Talk about going native...

Monday, 20 June 2011

Yeuuch...

If this headline from The BBC was to be taken at face value, then it might lead one's mind  down some very disturbing, sexually-othered, alleys.Yeuuch...
 Me first with the brain soap.




Saturday, 18 June 2011

"And that your Honour, concludes the case for the prosecution..."

As the reader of The JT knows,  your editor has long expressed admiration for that  exercise in situational art that is BBC Scotland News. 
Thankfully, I can now illustrate  my thesis  by reference to a the YT clip below. And my thesis is? Simply that either: the production team is 100% made up of work experience persons and they're all on their first day, or: the technology is controlled by a crack squad of chimpanzees who just press buttons at random. Either way, thanks to Highland Pete for the heid's up. Headphones on, people.
( Update:Or perhaps not. Sorry, but the clip's gone  from YT, so I think  we can assume that the BBC has insisted the clip be removed from YT. They might be crap at TV production but they can produce a writ faster than a speeding bullet.)


Thursday, 16 June 2011

Under legal fire Alex's day just about to get worse?

With our Great Leader under fire for criticising the Supreme Court and (allegedly) profiteering  human rights lawyers, informed sources believe that  Alex Salmond's day is just about to get worse.
 Under threat of writ for defamation, it is thought that even now a explosive email is winging its way, (if that's what emails do) from war torn Tripoli. 








Friday, 10 June 2011

See what they did there?

This headline from today's Scotsperson, suggesting that despite circulation woes at the rag, the headline writing person still has a sense of humour. Top gag.


Tangentially reminds me of a real ad in The Herald aeons ago, offering a post within some social work department of "Elderly Abuse Coordinator". And a few weeks later, " Alcohol Development Officer."



Thursday, 9 June 2011

And with

BBC Alba's viewing figures still hovering around the nane mark despite the move to Freeview, pressure was mounting on BBC Scotland last night to rebrand the Gaelic channel.
From:












To:

Justice minister

Kenny Macaskill  last night angrily rejected claims that the panel of four  lawyers he appointed to review Scotland's position in respect of the UK's Supreme Court were in  any way biased towards the SNP.
"Wan historically distinctive system of justice separate from the rest of the UK, there's only wan..." 

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Someone, a lot smarter than me, encapsulated the problems of selling stuff as "retail is detail". Meaning, I think, that every aspect of an offer to the public in terms of shopping has to be just right.
Would that TV scriptwriters/casting agents all gargled at the same fountain of knowledge or took into account the fact that some of the TV audience might, like, you know, know stuff?.


Picture the scene, dear reader, do. We had (ahem) "acquired" the pilot episode of Chaos, a well-received and popular US TV show centring on the post-modern doings of a rogue group of CIA agents sticking it to the strait-laced squares who run the agency. 


We settle down to watch, looks promising for the first five minutes. Funny, quirky, slightly subversive, you know, all the good shit.  And then, God in Heaven, we're introduced to agent "Billy Collins", (Sorry, that would be "Buhlee") who we are asked to believe is Scottish, sorry, is "Scawtisssssh".

Our Wullie apparently is originally from somewhere called "North Edinburrah". 
Good luck locating that on the map. I think this means he was brought up in The Forth, but that's just the start. Over the next few minutes the actor's accent goes for a tour round Central Scotland. Now a bit Muirhouse, then a bit Maryhill. Ten minutes in and the only sound the Scottish viewer can hear is the grinding of teeth in their own skull.

Believe me I've nothing against the actor playing "Billy". For the record, it's James Murray, who despite the surname is a Mancunian. I am sure he's giving it his best RADA trained shot at doing  "North British", but fuckin' hell... Is it really beyond the wit of LA casting agents to at least audition Scottish actors for Scottish character roles?

And if they really must cast a non-Scot to play a Scottish role, aren't there any Scots ex-pats in LA they could run the accent past? Actually, maybe they got the Mike "I do a great Scottish accent me" Myers to approve the take.

That would make perfect sense.
"Ahm Buhlee, ahm Scot-issh" Fuck off mate, naw you're no.

Sunday, 5 June 2011

Not one

to intrude on private grief, I wouldn't normally bother with stories like this one:



















However. 
Reading it brought back to mind my all-time favourite hypnotist  joke. 
Ready? OK. Look into my eyes, deep into my eyes...
.
The trainee hypnotist's first stage show was going really well. So well in fact that the ingĂ©nue, somewhat over-confidently demanded of a hypnotised volunteer that he "lightly" hit the performer over the head with a hammer. 
Somewhat predictably, things didn't go quite as planned and several months later our young hero finally starts to come round after months in a concussion induced coma. His grateful family gather round the bed to witness his return to consciousness.A return which involves him suddenly sitting bolt upright in bed, spreading his arms to the sides and declaiming "Ta Da-a-ah!" 


I just love that gag, I don't know why, I just do.

Saturday, 4 June 2011

"The only place a handicap's a good thing."

Golf. 
We Scots gave the game to the world, and for some unknown reason the world didn't give us it right back. 
Thank God for the Irish then, Dead Cat Bounce in particular, for expressing in words and music my deep loathing for good walking spoiled. 
Thanks lads.



Thursday, 2 June 2011

Grrr, grrr..

From BBC News for the undead, Scotland.
A former Hollywood agent who swapped a multi-million dollar celebrity lifestyle for the pulpit is set to be inducted to his first parish.
Sang Cha is being ordained as a Church of Scotland minister at St Mungo's Church in Alloa, Clackmannanshire.
Mr Cha told The JT: "As an agent, I was privileged to help cast many Hollywood films, and I don't know why, but when I'm on the streets of Alloa I'm irresistibly reminded of George Romero's zombie movies."




Insert own "If you think this is bad, just wait 'til the real zombies turn up" gag here.