Cardinal Keith O'Brien will announce his attention today to rip the Pope a new one.
The promise to radically reorganise the pontiff's excremental exit will come in a speech the Cardinal will make in the face of continuing criticism of the Church's role in raping kids. Cardinal O'Brien will make it quite clear that raping kids is wrong and people, including priests, are not to do that. Any more.
He will say that the scandals have left Scottish Catholics "demoralised and confused" because the bits in his brain that should describe the appropriate human reaction as "disgusted and apoplectic with rage" don't seem to work.
The attractively-costumed cleric will insist that anyone with knowledge of abuse is honour bound not to try to cover the fact up.Which will lead O'Brien to Rome and an appointment with the holy bottom.
For the current Pope, when a Cardinal in Germany in 2001, specifically instructed clerics investigating child abuse that their findings were not to be shared with secular authorities.
Professor Beaker of St.Andrews' God Bothering Centre told The JT: "I can say without fear of contradiction that there's probably something in the bible about how pontiffs who collude in child abuse should have a new one ripped. I can't find the reference at the minute, but it will be there somewhere.Trust me."
It is thought that after delivering the speech, O'Brien will fly to Rome to enact retribution aboard a giant flying pig, pausing only to promise the rest of us that he fully intends to stop lecturing the wider society on morality for the foreseeable future.
Inside: Dude, what's going on with this photograph? He looks like he's modelling clerical garb for a holy fashion shoot.