Ex-Minister Henry McLeish reported on the first of a three-volume study of Scottish soccer this week.
At a SFA press conference, Mr McLeish insisted that the youth game needed an investment of £500m.
Mr McLeish told the waiting media that he had arrived at that figure after consulting with Fenella The Fairy, a woodland sprite that only he can see.
Cradling an invisible Fenella gently in his hands, Mr McLeish said : "Fenella reckons that an investment of half a billion pounds will transform the youth game in Scotland; we must do as she commands."
SFA president George Peat thanked Mr McLeish for his work and requested he remain seated 'til the nice men in the white coats came to look after him.