Nicola Sturgeon:Minister, lawyer and naval architect.

It was exclusively  revealed this weekend that Nicola Sturgeon on top of her many other qualities is also a qualified naval architect. The news emerged as Ms Sturgeon confidently predicted that Scotland, post-independence would be the natural place to build the new generation of destroyers required by the rump of the UK.


She told The JT:" While studying law at Glasgow and working the pubs with my Suzi Quatro tribute act, I also did a degree in naval construction which is why I'm such an expert on the subject.

Ms Sturgeon, confident that orders for UK destroyers will flow north, conveniently ignoring those yards in England perfectly capable of building the fuckin' pointless exercises in post-imperial grandstanding, also revealed plans for The Clyde to become a centre for the building of a world-class new design- pocket battleships.
 She told a heavily sighing JT: "In this modern world of micro-electronics its should be perfectly possible to build a battleship that fits conveniently in the pocket. I think the Germans did something similar in the 1930s but I'm a bit hazy on the detail."

Ms Sturgeon's will be appearing at the Dog and Hammer in Govan this weekend with her one-woman show:"Suzi:the feathered years." Pie and pint, £2.50, nae colours.

"A wan, a two, a wan two three four!"

Inside: On a more serious note, for a reasoned, historically informed, discussion of the Clyde issues have a look at Ian Jack's beautifully written essay in TheGuardian:http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/nov/08/uk-still-needs-ships-build-ourselves