Our collective thanks, dear reader, are due to my Significant Other who kindly forwarded this year's Darwin Award (ahem) "winners".
Might I suggest that Scottish readers with direct experience of the sophisticated, charming and polyglot urban centres that so characterise industrial Lanarkshire simply mentally replace the place-names below with their appropriate Lanarkshire equivalent?
Anyone who thinks that risky, pathological behaviour is somewhat outside the norm obviously hasn't enjoyed the unusual carnivalesque ambience that envelops Coatbridge of a late Friday evening.
Or indeed, on any other night of the week come to that.
“Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in
And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer.... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an
8. As a female shopper exited a
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.”
Inside: A relative of mine had occasion once, many years ago, to venture into a newsagents sited in the charming, urban hamlet that is Newarthill, located some three miles north of the sprawling megalopolis that is Motherwell.
Anyway, conversation ensued and it emerged that the newsagent, a local man, had spent time working in The Bahamas, before electing after many years to return to his native Newarthill.
The said relative, mentally comparing the delights of The Bahamas with those apparently on offer in Newarthill asked the newsagent why he'd returned to said hamlet.
To which he replied : "Son, ah've been aw oor the wurld, an' there's nae where like Newarthill."
Which certainly remains true, but possibly not quite in the way understood by the newsagent...