Monday, 11 January 2010

"It was God's fault"

Justice Secretary Kenny Macaskill took to the airwaves this week to defend the Scottish Government's response to the recent big freeze. 

Despite cynics wondering why oor Kenny was straying quite so far from his own ministerial brief to gob on about the weather, he nevertheless insisted in talking exclusively to The JT.

"After first invoking the idea of a supernatural entity in relation to the Lockerbie Bomber's prostate cancer, which finally seems to be getting worse, thank fuck, I've now decided to drag in The Deity anytime anything bad happens."

Mr Macaskill went on to explain that Scotland's worst winter in 30 years was the result of divine intervention, saying, A higher power than even me has sat in judgement on Scotland and passed a sentence far graver than I could ever impose."

Mr Macaskill refuses to speculate on why the Lord Our God should feel the need to punish Scotland with shitey weather. "I haven't really thought that whole divine retribution thing through, to be honest. It was just something I thought up while trying to sell the Megrahi release to the septics."

From Heaven where he sits on high with all the angels, God confirmed to The JT that he was responsible for the snowy weather, saying, in a booming holy voice, that he sent the snow because he just likes to see people sliding about on icy pavements before falling on their arses.

Inside: Local councils confirm that they will clear icy roads and pavements no later than mid-July.

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