Monday, 6 October 2008

Malawians will "struggle through somehow" as Jack doesn't jump ship

Despite previously pledging himself full-time to the cause of Malawi, ex-Scottish Labour leader Jack "anory" McConnell this week pledged himself full-time to saving the Scottish Labour Party.

Mr McConnell was due to leave Holyrood to take up a full-time diplomatic posting in the small, poverty stricken African republic.

However, Jack's now decided that Malawi can go fuck itself as he's decided to stay put, opting instead to take up a part-time role in something called "conflict resolution".

"I'm sure", Mr McConnell told a frankly incredulous Jaggy Thistle, "that I will bring useful skills to the area of conflict resolution. In dealing with Third World banana republics, mired in corruption and poisonous political intrigue, I will draw on my ten years experience in Labour Party politics in Lanarkshire."

While cynics suggest that Mr McConnell has been leant on to stay at Holyrood to avoid a possibly difficult by-election for Labour in Wishaw, Mr McConnell insists that nothing could be further from the truth. He told BBC Scotland, (I'm not making this bit up, honest) that he'd been taking soundings among Wishaw constituents who "would prefer him to stay on as MSP."
Indeed, on the streets of downtown Wishaw, the talk is of little else...

Contacted by the JT for comment a Malawian local said : "I vaguely remember a politician named Jack from somewhere called Scotland visiting us once and having his photograph taken. So he is not to visit us again? Ah, well. We'll manage somehow."

Our Malawian source said that he didn't have much interest in the movements of white Western polticians as he found that the little matter of surviving below the UN standard of the poverty line took up most of his time.

Inside: At some point McConnell can look forward to being criticised for being a "part-time MSP" by Alex, "MSP, SNP leader and Westminster MP" Salmond

Malawians bravely hide their disappointment on hearing that some white bloke isn't coming to visit...

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