"Well, it was they English bastards that started it". That was the message from the cream of Scotland's archaeological talent as this week's Bronze Age bumming contest threatened to spiral out of control.
First into the ring were boffins working for English Heritage who surmised that Stonehenge might actually mark the site of some kind of Neolithic A&E, with ill people travelling hundreds of miles to take advantage of the site's healing stones; a Neolithic 'Casualty' if you will, except on whatever the Bronze Age equivalent of telly was.
Not to be outdone, Scottish archaeologists quickly riposted that relics from the same period found in Scotland indicated an eco-sensitive community living in harmony with nature and all that bollocks.
A spokesstratification for Historic Scotland told the JT: "Our finds definitively prove that Scottish Bronze Age relics are better than England's. So there."
Elsewhere on Planet Ancestry, a report this week rather unsurprisingly found that submititng your DNA to one of those genealogy outfits will be of little use in tracing your immediate ancestral lineage, as Professor Beaker, just back from a long sabbatical, now explains: "All a sample of DNA will show is that the subject is probably human and was probably born on Planet Earth, although there are exceptions to this general rule. When testers received DNA cells from Airdrie, for example, they just say nothing. It's kinder that way...
Inside: Do you know we share 99% of our DNA with primates? If you don't believe me, just stand outside a Dunfermline boozer at closing time.