"Its a conspiracy!" - OF claim from novel direction

As traditional a snow drops and easter eggs, spring-time brings with it the usual claims of bias against Celtic. From the intellectual powerhouse that is Bairds, the diocesan annexe, comes the traditional complaint that referees are dodgy when it comes to The Tic.


 Not to be outdone in the "infamy! Infamy! etc" stakes it is thought that Rangers will soon claim police bias against the club. In a week when Allan McGregor has had (ahem) some explaining to do bizzie-wise, a spokesgrayskull will tell The JT: 


"There's quite clearly an anti-Rangers bias at work in the local polis. There was time when a Rangers player's side of the story was taken on trust by the polis,wishing the player well on his way with a cheery salute after the player had autographed the officer's Rangers scarf. But now? Its no longer sufficient to just say "it was the Taig's fault". Now the police want evidence and everything."


We contacted Strathclyde's Chief Constable, Pope Pius X, for comment. he said : "Despite being dead for several hundred years I want to categorically  reject the  claim of Force bias against the Huns. 'Mon The Tic."

The Chief Constable of Strathclyde Polis, yesterday...

Hello, yet again, Allan...

...so, just tell us in your own way, how many  times is it now that the police have interviewed you about that (ahem) "assault"?



Inside: I see that Wattie is "concerned" about issues surrounding the assault, while Donald Findlay wants to know why the fuck Allan was at a party thrown for a Celtic player.

Murphy's Law:Part Deux

 With Labour's poll ratings likely to suffer following a blistering attack on the Government's family policies by the leader of the Catholic Church in Scotland, the Scottish Secretary said he was grateful to The Church for taking part in the debate

Murphy's Law

Celtic-minded Scottish Secretary Jim Murphy will tell a conference later today that the Labour Party is the natural home for religious voters of whatever denomination. (Honestly I'm not making this up).


He will later tell The JT :"Its only natural that people of faith vote Labour. By which I mean, members of the One True Faith who know God's grace and the rest, living in error, who are going to burn in Hell for all eternity".


Below we show Mr Murphy touching base with his boss, just before Jim spoiled the mood by making the Pope a gift of the Father Ted boxed-set...

Inside: Honest, I'm not making (all of) this up 

Things that suck...

and things that don't.


Watch first if you can, this truly appalling attempt to flog stuff by appropriating the community singing tradition in fitba'.
 To their credit, most of the comments from English football fans below this clip are absolutely scathing.
If  can you bear to endure more that 30 seconds of this then you're a braver person than me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bi7bTOSaJxA


This, on the other hand, is fuckin' brilliant, and I've been looking for an excuse to link to it for ages.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGu5v9_UH78&feature=player_embedded

Form an orderly queue

As the long-term reader of The JT ( ten-years old this April BTW. No flowers please, just send money.) knows, in a world of chaos and inconstancy, certain things remain true for the editor:


- all modern sitcoms must be tested against the sitcom gold standard that is Father Ted,
- in terms of serious political satire The Onion remains the Daddy and,
- no one does everything else funny better than Viz.


As evidenced by the scanned gem below.

Do form an orderely queue....

SPT scandal latest - now meets all satire requirements says JT editor in astonishingly long and drawn out headline.

A relieved Jaggy Thistle editor told himself today how relieved he was following the newest revelations in the Strathclyde Partnership (for) Transport (SPT) expenses scandal. "I'm relieved" he said. 

The editor expressed some concern a few days ago when the story of (ahem) "creative" expenses claims first surfaced. "Unfortunately at that point, the expenses were not specific in terms of purpose. In satiric terms there was a gap between the nature of the expenses and the organisational purpose of SPT."

Thankfully, revelations in The Herald have closed the satiric gap. It was revealed  today that a board member had claimed hunners for travel expenses! 

"With this new revelation, we can safely sit back and go 'Oh a big travel expenses claim lodged with an organisation charged with transport matters. How ironic!' or words to that effect".

The Herald report revealed that the board member had claimed for 35,000 miles of travel. To put this in perspective, that's the equivalent in distance terms of one and a half times round the Earth, and would take almost as long as going from Buchanan Street to Ibrox on the subway.

Inside : I see from The Herald report that the SPT delivers “transport solutions for all modes of transport across the region” 
As in  telling intending passengers: "your transport solution has just turned into a transport problem. Your train's cancilt due to huns on the line at Ibrox and the wrong type of snow underground."

Jenny Eclair

is usually credited with the acidic observation that men aren't that discriminating when it comes to matters romantic. 

As in, "men would shag a tree".

(Ahem) From The Scotsman, 15h February.

"A man who was banned from a park after it was alleged he tried to have sex with a tree in broad daylight has been jailed for five months and put on the Sex Offenders' Register for seven years.
William Shaw, 22, of Airdrie, was ordered by a sheriff not to enter Central Park, Airdrie, after it was claimed he dropped his trousers and underpants, exposed himself, and while his trousers were around his ankles, simulated having sex with a tree."
I love the fact that on top of the jail sentence he's also  been banned from the park. No more sex for you, you naughty boy.

Inside: Anyone who identifies the provenance of this post's tree photo must be even older than I am.

Well done you.

"110"

That's the number of percentage points that indicate Alex Salmond's support for his deputy Nicola Sturgeon. Fans of Nicky The Fish will know that she wrote to the local law boys, interceding on the behalf of a constituent, not previously known to her, who'd done the Social, big time. Twice.


"0": that's the number of percentage points that will indicate Alex's support for Nicola should it transpire that not only did Nicola know the constituent personally but also that he was treasurer of the SNP branch in Govan and he's had it away on his toes  with the branch  bank book.


Meantime, let us take a moment to consider the great detectives of history, re-imagined as vehicles for Nicola's boundless compassion.


Tonight Matthew, Nicola is going to be...




Velma off Scooby Doo. 
"Yes I admit it! It was me that pretended the funfair was haunted so I could buy it cheap and then demolish it and build a nuclear power station! And I would've got away with it too if it wasn't for that gang of pesky kids and their dang dog. But thankfully, Velma's going to have a word with the judge and I'll get off."







Inspector Nicola Poirot. 
"So, Lurd Hawlsey you admit that you killed your waahf Ladee Fiona in a feet of jealous rahg? Ah well, never mind, these things 'appen."

Lieutenant "Nick" Columbo of the LAPD.
"Just one more thing sir. Actually, I've completely lost my thread here, I'll just close the case and we'll say no more about it."

Discuss

"Under capitalism, human relationships are over time reduced to commodity exchanges. In turn, over time, human beings are reduced to the status of commodities."
Discuss with reference to the video clip below.


I don't know where to start with this one.


I can only think that either:  the copywriter has been cryogenically frozen before the advent of feminism and has just been thawed out. Or: he or she genuinely believes that the size of a diamond will sway a potential partner's decision vis-a-vis marrying the gentleman and giving it up.

If the latter proposition is true, and there are women out there like that, then might I suggest that a gentleman marrying such a lady had better periodically check on the condition of his car brakes and make a point of not signing up for that little bit of extra life insurance. You know, the policy where the wife is the sole beneficiary and the payout doubles in the event of accidental death. 
That one.


http://www.hamiltonandinches.com/jewellery/engagement-rings.html

From The BBC

David Mundell makes webcast date

David Mundell will be answering your questions An online interview with shadow Scottish secretary David Mundell will see him answer questions submitted by members of the public. BBC Scotland's political editor Brian Taylor will quiz Mr Mundell during the half-hour webcast, taking place around the Scottish Conservative conference. Please submit questions by Wednesday evening, using the form below. You will be able to watch the webcast by going to the BBC Scotland website. Yeh, we know.  We've no idea who this fucker is either. But the problem is you see, that to fulfil our public service remit we've got to interview him. Whoever he is. The word from upstairs at Pacific Quay is to make nice with the Tories, because Lord Snooty and his pals are likely to form the next UK government and they could fuck us over big time. So look, could you help us out? Just make up a question about anything. I mean Brian Taylor can spin it out for ages. Talk about their great shared love of pies or something. God, would you just  look at him? He is a fat bastard isn't he? Go on, please. Any question will do. Maybe ask him if he sees anything when he looks in the mirror. Whether his mother had any children that lived. What's he going to do with all his spare time when Cameron sacks him as Scottish Secretary and parachutes Michael Forsyth in from The Lords. Anything will do honestly. We just need to fill a few minutes of airtime pretending that what this guy, whathisname, fat boy, has to say is interesting or important. We know it's not, but we just have to pretend. Inside: Naw, I'm only kidding! Of course I know who David Mundell is. He's this lying fuck: http://thejaggythistle.blogspot.com/2009/05/david-stop-digging.html

Tiny, inconsequential fault found on "Amfibus"

The trial of Stagecoach's new amphibious bus service had to be halted this week due to a minor technical hitch. The not at all mental God botherer supreme and Stagecoach boss, Brian Soutar, told The JT: "It was nothing to worry about. One of the flotation devices that allow the vehicle to remain above the water's surface wasn't working. But it's all fixed now."

Top boffins contacted by The JT speculated on the impact the snag would have on the service's future potential.

Professer Beaker of Stirling's Department of "Sorry, am I missing something here?" Studies commented : "Given that a major part of the vehicle's working life would be spent on the water, it's not exactly reassuring for the potential travelling public that the bus would appear not to meet that particular part of the specification.

Undaunted however, Mr Soutar is calling for volunteers to play the role of passengers on the new "amfibus".

"I'll be calling on members of my own church's congregation to come forward. Secure in the knowledge of God's love and the promise of eternal life I'm sure my fellow congregants won't worry about the potential risk of drowning in a big yellow steel tube as it sinks the bottom of The Clyde.Praise him, praise him."

We contacted a weegie of a less existentially-confident persuasion to ask if he would volunteer to go on the amifbus, to which he replied: "Am I going on the amphibus? Amifuck."

May God, or...

...any other available omnipotent deity forgive me.

From The Herald:

“A doctor will go before a disciplinary hearing next week after claims he fitted a left prosthetic foot to a patient who had his right leg amputated.
Malcolm Griffiths will face allegations regarding his care of 11 separate patients, along with further general claims of poor performance and record keeping while employed with the Smart centre at the Astley Ainslie Hospital in Edinburgh.”

From Best in Show :
                                                                                                          

Inside: We were going to go with the Pete and Dud "One leg too few" sketch. All together now: "I like your right leg..." etc.

From the BBC

SNP councillor in South Lanarkshire defects to Labour


A SNP councillor in South Lanarkshire has quit the party and defected to Labour.


Councillor John McNamee said he no longer believed in independence and was disillusioned by the in-fighting and lack of vision at local level.
He had been under investigation by the local SNP group over his expenses and allegations of inappropriate behaviour. 


It is understood he was also under investigation for just looking really weird. A SNP source told the JT: "For some time now we've been concerned that there isn't one bit of Mr McNamee that's hanging straight. I mean, look at him, I've seen stroke victims with less squinty faces."


An activist within the local Labour Party, while welcoming the defection  also expressed concern over the ex-SNP councillor's coupon: "Let's face it, at the minute we'll take anybody, but if he's going to go out canvassing with a boat like that then we'll need to get him one of those "Elephant Man" masks."


Labour concerns over the matter stems from a previous election period when Margaret Beckett visited the area to assist in canvassing, leading to  calls from worried locals to the police, the zoo and those two off The X-files.

Mr McNamee said "Grrr! Woof! Woof!"