Its funny because its true! (From CouponBook)

This is how The BBC works (apparently)

Lead story, England page of the BBC News website...

.
Lead story, UK page of the BBC News website...

This is why The Darwin Awards exist

Apparently he's leaving his current band Rewind, and joining Numpties...

Almost from "The Gazette". (No, me neither...)

Johnstone teacher lands prestigious science gong

Published: 23 Jun 2015 14:40

A JOHNSTONE High School teacher has been awarded a prestigious accolade by the Young Engineers and Science Clubs Scotland.

Making the award, Science minister Fergus Ewing told The JT:

"We rely on educators like Michael to help future scientests research the really big questions like- 'what the fuck is going on with my tie?' and, for that matter,' what the fuck happened to Heather Reid, I mean, she just, like,vanished...'"

From The Scotsman, but with edit.

Ms Davidson seen here either speaking or sneaking out a botty burp.One of the two, definitely, I would say...

SCOTTISH Conservative leader Ruth Davidson is today expected to deliver a stark warning to David Cameron and Tory ministers that “more needs to be done” to keep the United Kingdom intact.

Following the SNP’s election victory in Scotland in May, giving them 56 out of 59 Westminster seats, Ms Davidson will use a lecture at the Scotland Office’s Dover House home in Whitehall to suggest that pro-UK politicians are in danger of “falling into the trap of thinking everything is OK” because of the independence referendum result. It is thought that Mr Cameron will issue an immediate response insisting that: "I'm sorry,  did you say something?I'm afraid I wasn't listening..." Ms Davidson will probably go ionto say something else to which Mr Cameron will reply: :"Evs, babes, evs."

Now then, now then, what's going on here then?

Two papers, two stories.

"That's the swag from last night's job sorted then..."

"Neeving all. No wait that's not right...Eveng all, no that's not it either.. Fuck..."

Blimey!

From The Scotsman, Euroman Jean-Claude Juncker getting very up close and extremely personal with oor Nicola!

Almost from The Scotsman

Lookit, its easy to see why the SNP government's policy on childcare is unclear.
I mean, just lookit at the policy wonk seen here drafting it...

"There, that's the executive summary all done. Now for juice and a biscuit..."

Hola! From That Palma, Mallorca

Pens at the ready as The JT presents top tips on the city of Palma what The JT editor has just visited  an' that.

• Be very wary of hotels that promise spectacular views of the bay. The cost of this view is staying in a hotel that appears to be nesting in the foothills of Ben Palma or whatever the hill around the bay is called. We stayed at the Hotel Horizonte, Hotel Verticale would've have been more like it. The steps up to the hotel are so steep that I expected to see a memorial plaque in reception dedicated to all the guests who expired on the way up from the city ."At the going down of the sun, and at the closing down of the bar, Sangria, £6 a litre, we shall remember them."
• Be careful of menus that offer "Cheese salad". To the unsuspecting veggie this looks at first sight a dietary option, but read on dear reader, do. Because listed down the playlist of salad ingredients will inevitably feature "Jamon York". Which is of course ham, sourced from the giant pork producing factory at York, a rural hamlet just up the road.
• Drivers in Palma are possessed of a unique second sight. This heightened perception allows them alone to see in the rear view mirror an encroaching, thundering horde of ten-foot tall velociraptors bearing down at high speed. This is why Palma drivers seem to  drive as if being pursued by velociraptors, because they are. The accepted speed limit calculation appears to be:posted limit X 2 +10%. And that's just the buses.
• Even Palma taxi drivers are hot. By that I of course mean the lady taxi drivers. If your normal experience of taxi drivers is confined to blokes that look like orangutans in a polo shirt and trackie bottoms, then you're in a for a shock. In Palma they have taxi drivers who look like fashion models using a taxi as a prop in a shoot, but no, these ladies are actually taxi drivers who can drive and everything.
• Be prepared to witness the somewhat unusual sight of what appears to be a 12 storey block of flats, bejewelled with a chain of tiny boats, sliding out to sea. This isn't a block of flats, but a fuck off ginormous cruise ship which can be seen from anywhere in the world.

Just when it was all going so well (From The Skintman)

for The SNP. Tramp in suit offers potential support, requests 10p for a cup of tea...

Not quite a reverse ferret but close...(From The BBC)

Its easy done given that Jim's not-resigning speech turned 180 degrees into an actually is resigning speech halfway through, but someone at The BBC was caught out...

And with the news

that this circus school will offer clown-training, the earth shifts on its axis as Dalston, Hoxton and Shoreditch empty of fuckin' hipsters who see being a clown as a vocation and not a personality description...

"David Mundell to be made Scottish Secretary."

David Mundell, David Mundell? That name rings a bell right enough. Oh wait, now I remember...

http://thejaggythistle.blogspot.co.uk/2009/05/david-stop-digging.html

This just in...

And SNP says "Ruth must  just fuck right out of it."

Payback...

May the job be with you (From The BBC)

New appointment at National Museum of Scotland, pledges himself to the rebel forces struggle against The Empire...

National Museums Scotland's (NMS) new director of collections has said it is a "privilege" to take on the role.

Dr Xerxes Mazda worked in museums elsewhere in the UK and Canada prior to his appointment, most recently at the Royal Ontario Museum in Toronto.

When not working in museums Dr Mazda moonlights as a minor character in the Star Wars universe. He told The JT: " As someone with many years experience in curation, I feel I bring a special skill to the fight against The Empire alongside the Jedi Knights, Luke Skywalker, Hans Solo and those two metal gay things. But mainly what I bring to the struggle is a proper, Star Wars, made up name. 

Thanks Mum."

C'mon, everybuddy! Sing alang! (Almost fae Skint on Sunday)

Sadly, not really new news is it?

From The Shitsman?

Possibly the least advisable facial  expression in the history of the known universe- especially when captioning software is so readily available..

So David, if you could just

confirm just how complete a massive dick you are that would be great...

Thanks for that David, you are clearly quite the complete massive  dick...

C'mon everybuddy, sing alang! (Fae The Scotsman, naw?)

LABOUR’S candidate for the east end of Glasgow has called for a law which criminalised sectarian chanting to be repealed.

Margaret Curran, whose constituency includes Celtic Park, said the Offensive Behaviour at Football Act has done nothing to reduce intolerance and bigotry.

They went with this...

although this is probably nearer the truth...

"Opportunity important for those facing imminent job loss" says Willie Rennie

Lib-Dem supremo in Scotland ,Willie Rennie, launched his party's Scottish manifesto today, promising a "Scotland of opportunity". 

He told The JT :" I'm looking to build a Scotland where individual entrepreneurship will create the jobs people, especially those facing job loss in the near future can access to get back into work as soon as possible."

It is thought that a Mr N Clegg, of Sheffield and Westminste, is already enquiring as to the availability of cheap one way fares to Scotland after May 7th...

From The Scotsperson:outright winner,the "No Shit Sherlock" trophy

The only yooni where students stand on street corners trying to flog copies of "Capitalist Worker".Probably...

Its the speech bubble that (almost) writes itself!

"Your right leg I like..." (From the Skintman)

CELTIC manager Ronny Deila has admitted he would rather tie Stefan Johansen up on a longer-term contract rather than risk losing the influential midfielder.

He told The JT:" The one sticking point, is his left leg. If we can't get it to straighten out then obviously that has implications for him on the field of play." 

Mr Johansen said that he'd just woken up one morning with his left leg like that but the problem means he just has to work on his hopping skills.

It is thought

that the towering intellects who wrote anti-islamic slogans on the walls of a Sikh  temple have struck again...

Peter Alliss, golf pundit and the greatest mind of the century-

the eighteenth century.
(From The Skintman on Skintday)

VETERAN BBC commentator Peter Alliss has said that the corporation should have tried harder to win the rights to the Open Championship and that attempts to give women equal rights in golf have “caused mayhem”.

Recent legislation has given women more rights in golf clubs, while St Andrews and Royal St George’s have both voted to admit female members for the first time.

But Alliss told the Radio Times magazine that equality for women had “b******* up the game for a lot of people”.Mr Alliss later told The JT that the abolition of slavery had "fuck*d u*" the economics of plantation production leading to  great inconvenience for the  slave owning class. Mr Alliss also pointed out that banning childen from being pushed into chimneys had resulted in uncontrolled chimney fires and an increase in general griminess. Mr Alliss agreed that his comments made him lok like a reactionary old t*ssp*t and right c*nt.

Yes, well, a bit of a requirement wedding-wise...(From The BBC)

Stop sniggering at the back...

Well thanks goodness for that...

Alex Salmond confirming that voters in the referendum, were not in any way, misled...

The cameron never lies

Thanks to Highland Pete for pointing out to this warm, relaxed portrait of Sam Cameron being presented with the mystery that is a Scottish morning roll. 
Its the look that says "Wait a minute, I'm not actually expected to put this in my mouth am I?Because Dave will tell you there's certain things I completely draw the oral line at."

Will he make bail?

It is thought that The Naked Rambler intends to sue over breach of loonywright ...

In a move echoing

the banning of any in-store advertising of tobacco products, The Scotsman generates a story headline that makes no reference to the story featured.... about fags.

Fowl language?

A “CURSING kamikaze” grouse is fast turning into a legend in a picturesque Highland glen, where it has been divebombing cars, confronting visitors and escorting them off its territory in displays never before seen in the wild game birds.

The bolshy red grouse, named Jock by local gamekeepers, has been flying at passing vehicles and blocking their way on a single-track road near Dunkeld.

Totally an excuse to reprise great train gag from Big Train...

Blimey! These new trains are a bit wee aren't they?

This is why, in politics, context is everything (From The Scotsman)

The story is of Jim Murphy donating food to a bank while promising to do away with the need for foodbanks. OK, the picture caption indicates that intent but you take one look at the photo and really, the speech bubble writes itself...

From the BBC , so it must be true...

Labour's election campaign manager, Douglas Alexander, confirmed to the BBC that the challenge of securing a Labour majority would be difficult but "doable. ".
 He also took the opportunity to announce the appointment of Harvey, a six foot rabbit  only he can see, as advisor. Mr Alexander told the BBC, "At election time its very easy to lose touch with reality, Harvey's wise advice will keep my feet firmly planted 100 miles in the air, orbiting the different planet I live on."

Nicola gives conference delegates the pure boalk...

Breaking news...making a contribution to making the SNP the largest party...

The SNP is on the verge of “making history” by winning more Scottish seats at Westminster than any of the other parties, its campaign director said.

Angus Robertson predicted that when voters across the UK go to the polls in May the “SNP can become the largest party in the Westminster elections in Scotland”. He also confirmed to delegates that yes, he was the fat bastard who ate all the pies.

This just in...

Star Wars character also enjoys playing rugby!

and Boba Fett's getting a start at scrum -half...

Wait for it, wait for it...(From The Skintman)

THEY are just two miles apart, but people at the tram stop at Bankhead are likely to live around a decade less than those using the next stop at Balgreen.

Residents of Bankhead are being advised not to try stopping the tram by walking out in front of it.

Looking for a photo to illustrate a dictionary definition?

The definition of selfless? Here you go...thank The Scotsman.

"No, I'm a fool to myself, I really am..."


Inside: Previously in The JT, older evidence of Charles being a fool to himself:

http://thejaggythistle.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/green-to-move-ibrox-assets-to-lockup.html

How fecked are you now?

Nick Clegg says 

Lib Dems can pull

 off election 'surprises'

Mr Clegg said the party had a "fight on their hands" but predicted election "surprises"

Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has told the BBC predictions of a Lib Dem "apocalypse" would be confounded.He told a frankly incredulous JT, "For such an apocalypse to occur it would have to be foretold and there would be great signs and wonders manifest, God would cause the moon to obscure the sun and a great darkness would be upon the earth."

The name's the same...

Thank goodness there's no confusion over what David's called- he was and remains, a fat, racist cunt.

How art works

Nicola shown here not life-sized, painting shown  here is life-sized...

How Scottish are you?

If this news doesn't surprise or shock you in the least, then you're definitely Scottish. (Thanks to Highland Pete)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-south-scotland-31769507

Robohack-the future of vote enforcement!

Jim Murphy, facing an electoral meltdown in the May election will today unveil the latest weapon in the fightback-Robohack, a super robot designed to persuade the electorate to vote Labour or else.

Jim told The JT :"We've experimented with synthetic life forms before, but Johann Lamont and Iain Gray were a but pish to be honest, we're hoping that Robohack is better at mimicking human behaviour because those two were rubbish at it."

Boffins have told The JT that Robohack is likely to come up against from Asimov's fourth law of robotics:robots programmed by plausible social democrats tend to be a bit rubbish. 

Professor Beaker, back from a long sabbatical explains:"Social democracy seeks to accommodate socialist programmes within the context of a capitalist economy, which works a bit until the economy drives itself over a cliff taking any socialist notions with it. Robohack will  experience cognitive dissonance engendered by holding two contradictory positions in a single brain. 

It is likely the entity will eventually flail about ineffectually before exploding in a shower of sparks and going all melted- just like Johann and Iain..."

"Who are you?" "Iam Jim, your creator."
"Oh, fuck me."

Almost from The Skintsman...

On this day 1890: Forth Rail Bridge opens. Next day, re-painting begins...

This, just in, from The BBC...

McCall plays down link to Rangers

Posted at16:09

Scotland coach Stuart McCall has played down talk of a return to Rangers, for whom he played for seven years in the 1990s.

McCall stepped down as Motherwell manager in November but is wary of taking up a position that would end his involvement with the national team.

He said: "It's got to be something that would really make me want to go and do it. Obviously, Rangers is a huge club.

"But a team have got to want you to be involved and then you look into it." He told The JT:"I will look into it, then, if I decide to accept the position of manager, I will immediately shoot myself in the face, to save time six months down the road."

So then Malc, what do you say to a big fat consultancy fee for work you could carry out because, according to you, you don't do fuck all anyway?