Friday, 29 May 2015

Hola! From That Palma, Mallorca

Pens at the ready as The JT presents top tips on the city of Palma what The JT editor has just visited  an' that.

  • Be very wary of hotels that promise spectacular views of the bay. The cost of this view is staying in a hotel that appears to be nesting in the foothills of Ben Palma or whatever the hill around the bay is called. We stayed at the Hotel Horizonte, Hotel Verticale would've have been more like it. The steps up to the hotel are so steep that I expected to see a memorial plaque in reception dedicated to all the guests who expired on the way up from the city ."At the going down of the sun, and at the closing down of the bar, Sangria, £6 a litre, we shall remember them."
  • Be careful of menus that offer "Cheese salad". To the unsuspecting veggie this looks at first sight a dietary option, but read on dear reader, do. Because listed down the playlist of salad ingredients will inevitably feature "Jamon York". Which is of course ham, sourced from the giant pork producing factory at York, a rural hamlet just up the road.
  • Drivers in Palma are possessed of a unique second sight. This heightened perception allows them alone to see in the rear view mirror an encroaching, thundering horde of ten-foot tall velociraptors bearing down at high speed. This is why Palma drivers seem to  drive as if being pursued by velociraptors, because they are. The accepted speed limit calculation appears to be:posted limit X 2 +10%. And that's just the buses.
  • Even Palma taxi drivers are hot. By that I of course mean the lady taxi drivers. If your normal experience of taxi drivers is confined to blokes that look like orangutans in a polo shirt and trackie bottoms, then you're in a for a shock. In Palma they have taxi drivers who look like fashion models using a taxi as a prop in a shoot, but no, these ladies are actually taxi drivers who can drive and everything.
  • Be prepared to witness the somewhat unusual sight of what appears to be a 12 storey block of flats, bejewelled with a chain of tiny boats, sliding out to sea. This isn't a block of flats, but a fuck off ginormous cruise ship which can be seen from anywhere in the world.

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