Thursday, 28 May 2009

Countdown to Gaymaggeden! Church has just 48 months left NOT to decide anything

The General Assembly of the Church of Scotland found the longest patch of grass in the field this week and booted the question of gay ministers right intae it.

A Church source told The JT: "We've appointed a committee to look at the issue of homosexuality and Christianity. Basically the members will be charged with asking the question 'Who would Jesus do?' Hopefully they'll come up with an answer that appeases all sides in the debate, or failing that, maybe Our Father Which Art In Heaven will find a cure for gayness."

Meanwhile, the compromise means that the Church will not allow openly gay people to serve as ministers ensuring of course that gay people who want to serve will just ixnay it on the yag tib.

Professor Beaker of Glasgow's Department of Oooh Vicar You're A Saucy One And No Mistake! Studies told The JT: "This ruling encourages gay people to stay closeted, leading self-denying, unauthentic, dishonest lives. At first glance that doesn't seem a very Christian thing to insist on. At second glance, it looks worse."

Evangelical sentiment in The Church is seeing the interim ban as a partial victory as one torn-faced, life-denying cleric told The JT: "If the Lord had meant human beings to live honest and open sexual lives he wouldn't have seen fit to marry me off to my spouse: a boot-faced swamp monster, who apparently thinks a blow job is something the hairdresser does.
Jesus Christ, is it not time to die yet?"

Inside: Actually, why would gay men want to be ministers? The Catholics have just fabulous robes and you don't have to fight the ladies for them.

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