An ashen-faced medic told The JT: "If things carry on this way then we face the very real prospect of Health Secretary Nicola Sturgeon being fatally starved of the oxygen of publicity, with tragic consequences for her fashion sense."
Space-alien, fish monster Nicola has been on TV every day since the epidemic kicked off - even managing, in one blessed day, the fabled treble of appearing on BBC National News, Reporting Scotland AND Newsnight - the real wan, before the Scottish version, the wan watched only by close friends and family of the production staff.
The media exposure has forced Nicola into dressing in something approximating fashionable clothes, eschewing her classic Granny's twin set look or, heaven forfend, the costume used for her Suzi Quattro tribute act.
Meanwhile, Alex Salmond is polishing up the final draft of his fulsome obituary tribute to the memory of Nicola who will tragically die in a bizarre gardening accident if she doesn't shut it.
Inside: Above.That's a photograph of the swine flu virus apparently. Fuckin' hell, how could anyone miss that coming towards them? It's fuckin' huge.
Ms Sturgeon, down at Devil Gate Drive, yesterday, where she apparently exhorted all attending to come alive...