Scots on the box

Terminator:The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Thursdays, Virgin, 9pm

Eeeh, we like the old Terminator franchise in our house we do.

Two great movies, one so-so movie and a new iteration with Christian Bale is in production that promises to erase the memory of a slightly arthritic Arnold in T3. And, in way of keeping us interested we had, last year, the first series of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, showing on Virgin.

The Chronicles show basically picks up the storyline as it was left at the end of T2 and runs with that, via time travel from the early 1990s to the present day, with Mum Sarah looking to protect son John from the bad terminators aided and abetted by a good terminator.

OK, I'm embarrassed now. Having written the storyline down, I'm only too aware that it all sounds the way it actually is: total and utter bollocks. And to be honest, none of the acting performances in The Chronicles last year were anything to write home about, but it was done with a straight face and as long as you didn't think about it too hard, the show hung together.

So what about the second series, now showing on a Virgin near you?

Oh lordy. Two words, Shirley and Manson.

I read somewhere last year that Edinburgh-born Shirley, late of indy popsters Garbage, was jacking in the singing to pursue her acting career. I never thought any more about it to be honest and then guess who turns up as a baddie terminator in this year's Chronicles? Oor Shirley.

And the performance?

You know that clichéd expression "beyond bad"? Well, take BB as the baseline and multiple that by a factor of 10 to the power of infinity. And then double the resultant.

Shirley delivers every fuckin' line in a speak your weight machine monotone at a funereal pace that makes that other (ahem) Scots "actress", Kellee Mick Dawnaahld seem like Daffy Duck in comparison.

For there is a school of acting, mainly embraced by people who don't know how to act, which teaches that all you have to do: Is.Deliver.The.Line.Really.Slowly.And.The.Audience.Will.Think.You.Can.Really.Act.

Is that true?

Is.It.Fuck.

All the audience will think is that you can act nane and they'll be right.

Quite apart from Shirley's thespian deficiencies there are other factors at work here to suggest that The Chronicles casting director should seek professional psychiatric help immediately.

Nae herm to her, but Shirley is a ginger. Hands up who would be scared by a carrot-topped robot? Me neither. And, Shirley's been given one of those scrunchy hair pull-up jobs resulting in what the cruel and unthinking refer to as a "cooncil hoose face-lift".

People may run away screaming but not for the reasons you'd think.

Finally, in what must've been the work of a subversive second-unit director, at the end of the first episode, Shirley reveals her talents as a shape-shifting terminator by morphing back to normal, having taken the shape of? A urinal.

Insert own "I've heard of a performance going down the toilet, I've never heard of anyone performing as a toilet before" gag here.

They say that one's subjective experience of time varies subject to context and I can confirm that when Shirley's on screen, time slides past with all the ease and grace of a wardrobe being dragged up Ben Nevis. With your Granny inside it.

Seconds seem like minutes, minutes elongate into hours and unbidden to my lips comes the anguished appeal to oor Shirley: Please.Jist.Gonnae.Stoap.Talking?

"Nazis were bad, after all." O'Brien in shock new finding.

Cardinal O'Brien, leader of Scotland's Catholics, confirmed this week, however tangentially, that all things considered, the Nazis were probably bad people.

The coded admission came as the Cardinal gave Gordon Brown both barrels for daring to support the new Human Fertilisation and Embryology Bill.

Cardinal O'Brien has apparently decided that this is akin to supporting "Nazi-Style experiments".
Which is all rather confusing, since the last time his Cardinalness spoke bollocks in public on this topic, back in March, he promised to consult with people who actually knew something about the topic - you know, scientists.

The Diocese told The JT: "His Graciosity did meet with the boffins, but he lost track of what they were saying after 'OK, let's keep this simple'."

Anyway, it's good to know the Nazis are now on the official Catholic baddie list and let's hear no more about that Pope, you know, the one, who supported the Nazis.

Inside: No excuse needed to link to this


"Dear Adolf, how are you today? Question mark."

Links we like

Rather self serving this post, but bear with me for I shall reward you presently for your forbearance. I've no idea why I finished the preceding sentence the way I did, perhaps it's better just to move on...

Apparently, so the young people tell me, there are now more than a dozen sites on the interweb. Meaning that busy people like you, with many demands on your time, might find it difficult to make time to read the blog you're now reading.
Bear with me, I've taken my meds so any minute now one of these sentences will make sense.

What I mean is, there's this thing called Google Alerts which if you sign up for it tells if the site you're interested in has been updated. At least, I think that's how it works.

Anyway if you can't be bothered with that RSS malarky go here and you'll be either alerted as promised or aliens would eat your brains, one of the two.

Can I also point out to The JT's loyal readers (hello you two) that there's no law against you recommending the blog to the unwary, so do it...

Thanking you.

Finally here's the payoff I promised.
One from long-time JT supporter and kilt-maker to the gentry, Ian. A very old gag but a goody

The second I found on the blog of some guy who subscribed to The JT so, to show my gratitude for his loyalty I'm nicking one of his featured clips, what a bastard eh?

This clip isn't funny or sad it's just cute and lets face it, in these difficult times, we could all use some cute.

Photogags

Lecht - located car dealer admits he hasn't sold a single car since opening in 1950


Insert own "Aberdeen leisure centre" gag here


Morag and Sandra somewhat relieved they didn't use same hairdresser as Shona and Eileen


As credit crunch hits, canny Morayshire family plan to save a fortune in washing up liquid



Labour's Glenrothes candidate "ecstatic" at news PM will visit constituency

"Born to drive responsibly at all times!"

New bikes safe from possible scratches

The Scottish Ambulance Service this week took delivery of nine 1200cc BMW touring motorbikes this week to provide a faster service in Scotland's cities. Here we interview one of the paramedic bikers chosen to provide the new service.


The JT: So tell me, how do you see the new bike helping provide a better service?

Biker: Well, what you've got to remember is that this baby, the BMW R1200 RT, is a real advance on the R1200 GS, they've upped the overall power to 110bhp with a Nm of 115.

The JT: Meaning, I take it that, the bike is quite fast?

Biker: Fast? I'll say! 0 to 62 in 3 seconds. And its top speed is on the toppy side of 120. If you catch my drift...
.
The JT: So, fast bike, fast response time to the scene of an accident, faster treatment for the patient?

Biker: Y-e-e-s, sort of. We'll need to see about that tho'.

The JT: But my understanding is that the bike will be fitted with panniers containing all the equipment the attending paramedic needs to stabilise the patient's condition.

Biker: Yep, that's the problem right there, you see. Too much weight on the backend, talking a black hole in performance terms. I suppose I could carry a packet of plasters, some paracetamol, stuff like that.

The JT: I see, well I suppose it's something at least that the service will be able to get through busy city streets quicker.

Biker: Hmm, don't know about that...

The JT: What, you don't know if it will result in faster response times in urban environments?

Biker: Yeh, see it's the city thing I'm concerned about...

The JT: In what sense?

Biker: Well, I don't want to risk the bike getting scratched do I?

Inside: NB: please note that the new service will be positioned at that tea hut at the Rest and Be Thankful. When phoning with a life threatening emergency be sure to ask for Les.

Photogags

"No bread left" excuse not an option as "Ned" duck about to make clear


Mysterious "big-cat" like creature at large on the moors turns out to be just a really big fuckin' cat


"En George Burley, det er bare en George Burley..."

Ooh, get her! Old queen has go at dead queen

"TV historian David Starkey has called Mary, Queen of Scots, "a whore and a trollop and a murderess"...Starkey, who rose to fame presenting historical television programmes about the lives of the Tudors, was on a radio programme, giving his thoughts on the SNP's idea of returning Mary, Queen of Scots', remains to Scotland." Scotland on Sunday, 19 October 2008

Despotic, autocratic, egotistical, cruel with a tendency to go after anything in trousers... but enough about David Starkey, puddle jumping historian, what about Mary, Queen of Scots?

Well, if David reckons she was a bit of a bitch then that's good enough for me, since he should know dear...

The outburst above was apparently stimulated by the news that an (un)holy alliance between the Scottish branch of the One True Church and SNP MSP Christine Grahame are looking to have the decapitated despot's bones re-interred in some Scottish palace away from the current lair in Westminster Abbey.

Now I can see where the Church is coming from on this. Mary was, not to put too fine a point on it, a bit of an uber-tim. But Christine Grahame?
The daft auld biddie has seemingly got it into her head that Mary was some blameless victim sacrificed at the altar of English perfidy. This, is what we historians call a load of self-serving bollocks.

Christine, a list MSP remember, so no one actually elected her directly, is looking for some historical figure who can be conscripted into the modern nationalist narrative.

Put it this way. If I'd been Elizabeth Tudor I would've had Mary got a lot fuckin' quicker.

Martyr my arse.

Anyway, let's not be too cruel.Christine's getting on a bit and nice to see her keeping busy even if we're all paying for her wee hobby.

Inside: Actually, the real reason Dave's having a hissy is that he knows that he just couldn't carry off wearing one of Mary's royal gowns. Divine darling, divine...

Unexpected credit crunch benefit! Salmond conference speech is cut by two thirds

Following Iceland's turn on the fiscal naughty step so recently warmed up by Ireland, Alex Salmond has now cut the running time of his SNP conference speech at Perth by two-thirds.
It is thought that Alex originally intended to burble on at great length, espousing his elegantly fashioned theory about small, independent nations - an "arc of prosperity" if you will, comprising Ireland, Iceland and Norway.

Given that reality has comprehensively pished on the chips of the first two over the last few weeks, Alex is now expected to re-brand his elegant, if somewhat empirically deficient schema, as a "point of prosperity" made flesh solely by Norway.

It is thought that Alex will tell conference delegates that if Scotland had similar sole control of oil revenues like the fish-liking Norwegians then we'd all be driving about in solid-gold cars or some other fuckin' bollocks.

Elsewhere on planet politics, Gordon Brown, revelling in his new found role as saviour of the international banking system, would like to make it clear that he is in no way related to the Gordon Brown who praised the City of London a few shorts months ago for its "risk taking culture".

That's as in taking risks with other people's money...

Inside: " Alex, it's Fred Goodwin on line two for you. He says he's a pal of yours."
"Oh fuck, tell him I'm not in, tell him I've emigrated! No, wait! Tell him I've died suddenly. Yes, tell him that. That'll work..."

Neil Oliver: because he's worth it.

The BBC this month launches a series of programmes and events celebrating Scotland's history. This week, Neil Oliver, the lovely haired archaeologist asks : " Who were the first Scots and was their hair as lovely as mine?"

I think we all already know the answer to that question, don't we readers?


Look at him, with all his hair lovely....

Scotland 0-0 Norway. Burley: "Well that went rather well"

With a less than impressive performance against Norway at Hampden to contend with, manager George "Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I luv yah, tomorrow!" Burley treated the post-match waiting media to several coats of Professor Pangloss's finest, saying: "I thought we played well considering we don't have an out-and-out striker the likes of Kris Boyd to call upon."

When the waiting media pointed out that Kris Boyd had in fact been sitting on the Scotland bench not ten feet from George, Mr Burley remarked :"It's easy for the press to pick the team, managers have to deal in realities and the realities are that we just don't have strikers of Boyd's calibre available for selection."

Bringing the interview to a close, Mr Burley walked past the squad dressing room noticing Kris Boyd hanging up his unused strip.

An astonished George said:"Has anybody ever told you how much you look like Kris Boyd? Its uncanny."

Inside: Terry Butcher defends Burley selection; " I wont 'ear a word said against the guv'nor! He's a diamond he is and no mistake! Reminds me of me dear old dad he does!

Oh, underneaf the archez!" etc.

KB in George-o-vision

and in normal-o-vision

"Money's gone to Iceland!"

Oh fuckin' bollocks news on the money front this week, with the story breaking that Scottish cooncils have invested heavily in Iceland's (the country) troubled banking sector.

One cooncillor told The JT : "When the cooncil's Finance Director said he'd invested 50% of our capital reserves in Iceland, I thought he meant the place wi' the cheap sausage rolls."

Indeed, perhaps the money would have been better stashed away in Iceland (the shoap) where a twenty course Tudor style banquet including roast swan and larks tongues in aspic may be purchased for a very reasonable one ninety nine.

Contacted for comment, The JT's resident authority on everything Professor Beaker commented : "I think this whole sorry episode teaches two very valuable lessons. One, never invest in a bank whose name you can't pronounce and two, never entrust your capital into the care of a country whose most famous export is well-known heid the ba' Bjork".

It is thought that SNP supremo Alex Salmond will now seek out and destroy all previous references he made to Northern Europe's "arc of prosperity", "independent" successful nations that previously included among their number Iceland - the country, no the shoap.

Inside: I see that Iceland advertiser Kerry Katona claims she's bipolar. I would've thought she was a 38 D but I'm no expert.

Clyde tragedy as Muriel Gray rescued

"Broadcaster Muriel Gray and her family had to be rescued when their boat sank as they watched the QE2 in Greenock on its farewell tour of the UK." BBC News

Clyde based rescue services admitted today that they were forced to rescue professional nippy sweetie Muriel Gray as her family boat sank.

Speaking to The JT, a spokeslifepreserver said :"Along with everyone else who cringes every time Muriel appears on the telly, moaning her tits off about something, we would have preferred to have taken no action. However, because her innocent children and spouse were also on board the stricken vessel we were sort of pushed into rescuing torn-scone face as well. Sorry."

It is thought that the rescuers acted correctly throughout, suppressing, through sheer professionalism, the perfectly understandable human instinct to throw Muriel a lifebelt made of lead.

The rescuers will now receive post-traumatic stress therapy to help them come to terms with the awful legacy of their actions - Muriel's forthcoming 26-part TV series, " How I took on the Clyde river and won."

Inside: Years ago, when the world was made of wood, Muriel fronted a TV show called "The Tube". This was before irony had been invented...

Malawians will "struggle through somehow" as Jack doesn't jump ship

Despite previously pledging himself full-time to the cause of Malawi, ex-Scottish Labour leader Jack "anory" McConnell this week pledged himself full-time to saving the Scottish Labour Party.

Mr McConnell was due to leave Holyrood to take up a full-time diplomatic posting in the small, poverty stricken African republic.

However, Jack's now decided that Malawi can go fuck itself as he's decided to stay put, opting instead to take up a part-time role in something called "conflict resolution".

"I'm sure", Mr McConnell told a frankly incredulous Jaggy Thistle, "that I will bring useful skills to the area of conflict resolution. In dealing with Third World banana republics, mired in corruption and poisonous political intrigue, I will draw on my ten years experience in Labour Party politics in Lanarkshire."

While cynics suggest that Mr McConnell has been leant on to stay at Holyrood to avoid a possibly difficult by-election for Labour in Wishaw, Mr McConnell insists that nothing could be further from the truth. He told BBC Scotland, (I'm not making this bit up, honest) that he'd been taking soundings among Wishaw constituents who "would prefer him to stay on as MSP."
Indeed, on the streets of downtown Wishaw, the talk is of little else...

Contacted by the JT for comment a Malawian local said : "I vaguely remember a politician named Jack from somewhere called Scotland visiting us once and having his photograph taken. So he is not to visit us again? Ah, well. We'll manage somehow."

Our Malawian source said that he didn't have much interest in the movements of white Western polticians as he found that the little matter of surviving below the UN standard of the poverty line took up most of his time.

Inside: At some point McConnell can look forward to being criticised for being a "part-time MSP" by Alex, "MSP, SNP leader and Westminster MP" Salmond...

Malawians bravely hide their disappointment on hearing that some white bloke isn't coming to visit...

Bank merger definitely on, maybe...

With confusion still abounding over the proposed merger of HBOS and Lloyds TSB, senior civil servants contacted by the JT describe the situation as "fluid".

Speaking from Holyrood, our source said: "The bank merger is definitely on. Hang on, it's off. Oh wait, that's it back on again. Oh just a minute, that's it back off. On, off, on, off. Fuck it."

Meanwhile, working on the basis that the deal does go ahead, Alex Salmond this week called a special meeting of his Council of Economic Advisors, asking the boffins to come up with a watertight case to put to Lloyds TSB on future banking operations in Scotland.

Mr Salmond told the JT: "I want a hard-headed, no-sentiment business case for Lloyds maintaining a high-level management team in Scotland. I'm asking the Council to come up with ten good reasons why Edinburgh should remain a centre of strategic banking. I've already come up with reason #1 - Edinburgh. It's got a nice castle."

Back in the real world, it is thought most likely that, should the merger go ahead, Lloyds would engage in a round of cost-cutting, as this senior complete banker now explains: "Short-term ramping-up of the share price means big bonus bonanza time. The only rational argument bankers are interested in is the one with big zeroes attached."

Inside: This Council of Economic Advisors... sounds a bit Star Wars, doesn't it? Ah. The Keynesian income multiplier effect is strong in this one, Master Luke" etc.

Cross-border Bronze Age bumming competition continues

"Well, it was they English bastards that started it". That was the message from the cream of Scotland's archaeological talent as this week's Bronze Age bumming contest threatened to spiral out of control.

First into the ring were boffins working for English Heritage who surmised that Stonehenge might actually mark the site of some kind of Neolithic A&E, with ill people travelling hundreds of miles to take advantage of the site's healing stones; a Neolithic 'Casualty' if you will, except on whatever the Bronze Age equivalent of telly was.

Not to be outdone, Scottish archaeologists quickly riposted that relics from the same period found in Scotland indicated an eco-sensitive community living in harmony with nature and all that bollocks.

A spokesstratification for Historic Scotland told the JT: "Our finds definitively prove that Scottish Bronze Age relics are better than England's. So there."

Elsewhere on Planet Ancestry, a report this week rather unsurprisingly found that submititng your DNA to one of those genealogy outfits will be of little use in tracing your immediate ancestral lineage, as Professor Beaker, just back from a long sabbatical, now explains: "All a sample of DNA will show is that the subject is probably human and was probably born on Planet Earth, although there are exceptions to this general rule. When testers received DNA cells from Airdrie, for example, they just say nothing. It's kinder that way...

Inside: Do you know we share 99% of our DNA with primates? If you don't believe me, just stand outside a Dunfermline boozer at closing time.

School dinner bill : nervous throat-clearing ahoy!

With it not at all clear who will be picking up the bill for the new, free school dinners scheme, The JT offers a free, foolproof guide to avoiding picking up what our Amercan cousins term 'the tab'.

• Government says to council: "Have another look in your wallet, I'm sure I saw an extra £60m in there
• Council says to government: "I'm going to the bog. If you get this, I'll square up with you later, yeh?"
• Government to council: "Tcch. Would you believe it eh? I've come out without my credit cards. Or any cash"
• Council to government: "Hang on. Our schoolkids never had the starter. Or the pudding"

And if all else fails... "OK. Whose kids had the macaroni and cheese? OK that's 12000 portions of macaroni and cheese. Right how many kids had the baked potato?"