Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Insert own "slum" gag here

"The search is on for 100 local extras to appear in a Bollywood thriller when filming starts in the Inverness area in two weeks time. The Inverness Courier revealed last month that the major Indian film producer ASA...had chosen to film Purple Lake - a title based on Loch Ness - in the Highlands." Inverness Courier,17th March, 2008.

Careful now...
  • Use of film lighting likely to cause panic among locals fearful of "elecktrissitee".
  • Production vehicles immediately become venerated as "hooses that move"
  • "Purple Lake" title only to be used in UK market. Elsewhere film will be called "The dump at the ends of the earth."
  • "Millionaire" plot device of Slum Dog Millionaire to be replaced by culturally appropriate reference to local TV quiz show "Do you know what money is?"
  • Film will climax in mass song and dance number involving 100 extras, performing elephants and monkeys, fireworks, jet fighter flypast,the Ness dyed saffron and the entire city covered in a carpet of lilac blossom. Weather permitting.
  • If wet, big production number to be staged in the function room of the masonic lodge in Gordon Terrace.
  • Danny Boyle turns down chance to direct, refuses to work in Third World conditions...
  • Production shifted from Coatbridge after Indian crew refused to work in Fourth World conditions.
Inside: Thanks to Pete. Sorry Inversneckie dudes.

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