DBS says losses speculation inaccurate: "More than all the money in the whole world" says chief executive

As speculation mounts that the Dunfermiline Building Society may be the next financial institution requiring a bail out, senior sources at the building society acted quickly to reassure The JT, saying "ill-informed speculation in the media put the society's losses at £26m. As everyone knows such an estimate exceeds by a considerable margin all the money in the entire world."

Dismissing as ludicrous the suggestion that a Fife-based financial institution actually deals in sterling, or indeed any form of tender requiring an overarching value structure of abstract reciprocity, a spokesgadgee told The JT; "Like every other institution in Fife we conduct our business with jam jars, empty lemonade bottles and Provvie checks. Ken."

Know-it-all economists from "The Outside" as Fifers describe the rest of the world, initially pointed to St.Andrews as an example of a local economy using conventional legal tender, but it has subsequently been pointed out that St.Andrews is actually part of the Fuckin' Home Counties as anyone trying to get a drink in a St.Andrews pub during university term-time will readily and bitterly attest.

Inside: I see the new principal of St.Andrews is to "widen access" to the university, presumably this means that the road to St.Salavtor's will be improved so Daddy can more easily park the Cayenne.