On Etiquette

I have received a number of anxious missives enquiring on matters of etiquette following revelations in the press that certain members of The Royal Family are given to addressing certain people of ethnicity as "paki" and "sooty". 

Given that the question of how to address members of The Royal Family is often  fraught with difficulty, readers are naturally wondering which appropriate, "affectionate" form of address is available in such circumstances. 

I can confirm that such a form exists that will serve. On being introduced to the Princes Harry or Charles the correct form of address is: "How are you white bread, honky pencil-dick?" 

Be assured that their Royal Highnessess will take this in good part.

Inside: I see Prince Andrew "gave" his 17 year old daughter Princess Sophie a BMW as a birthday present. By this of course is meant that we gave her a BMW as a birthday present...