SCOTLAND could be given the power to change its time zones under proposals laid out by peers.
First Minister Alex Salmond told The JT:" This is just the first step." Mr Salmond has long argued that Scotland will never flourish unless all powers are devolved to Holyrood- including the power to control space and time itself. 
It is thought that Mr Salmond is meeting with The Lord Of All The World next week to negotiate transfer of the power required to fundamentally alter the space-time matrix. 
Mr Salmond said:" Talking about the meeting in terms of next week is a bit of a simplification since, in a very real sense, Our Creator exists, atemporally, beyond  our common sense understanding of space and time. However, that paradox apart I'm looking forward to meeting with the King of Kings and exchanging ideas."
It is thought that Mr Salmond will take the opportunity afforded of meeting with Alpha,Omega to reassure the diety that  he, she or it would still be worshipped in an independent Scotland. 
"As I said to Her Majesty the Queen only last week, she has nothing to fear from Scottish independence, to which she replied, and I thought this was really funny, "I don't have to worry about anything, you horrible little oik, I'm incredibly fuckin' wealthy, now fuck off out of it before I have you flogged," which I found very funny although I didn't really understand what she meant."
Her Royal Graciousness was in Edinburgh this week to officially start the new term at Holyrood which will now promptly shut for the summer. The sprightly octogenarian participated in something called "The Riding" which turned out to be something to do with fuckin' about with horses and not nearly as interesting as a first glance at the name suggested.
Her MajesticFabulosity  departed Edinburgh in a gold helicopter with a busy eternity of opening and closing things ahead of her. It is thought that when God finally calls time on the Universe, Brenda will officiate, unveiling a space plaque before being presented with yet another fuckin' bouquet of fuckin' flowers. It is thought that on that last day, Prince Philip will turn to The Source Of All Existence and enquire: "So, what do you do then?"